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“What’s going on?”
I couldn’t answer. I tried but no words came out. Even now, I didn’t want Keira, I wantedhim. I could have him, right now. I could walk out the front door and have Mike take me to him. In his arms, this pain would go away. He could take me away from all of this, to anywhere in the world. I would never have to think about this ever again. I would never have tothinkagain at all,and when did that become the preferable option? How had I let this happen?
I ached with the need to go to him. It was visceral, instinctive. Staying away felt like throwing myself overboard on purpose. I forced myself to stay here, to hang onto Keira like a life jacket.
“Lo,” Keira cupped my face, forcing me to look at her. “What has Alfie done?”
Broken me.
That’s what he’d done.
Inches away from the finish line, he had broken me.
Seventy-Four
“That twisted, psychotic, son of a…ugh!” Keira kicked at one of the packing boxes piled in her living room. I sat on a worn armchair, one of the few pieces of furniture left. Everything else in her house had been sold, donated, or packed into storage, turning her home into a ghost house, and from the uneasy way she held herself, I knew she felt it too.
I’d cried as I’d told Keira everything, then I’d thrown up again, my system attempting to purge itself of Alfie fucking Tell. A strange kind of numbness had washed over me. I welcomed it. Right now, it was better to be numb than to feel.
It was stupid to be so destroyed over a man. What had he done to me?
Exactly what you allowed him to do, Lola.
Guilt and shame poured through me—a thick syrupy mass weighing down on the thin sheen of detachment that served as my only protection. I had let this happen. I had ignored, excused, and looked the other way all because I had been too afraid to feel the pain of loss again. Now, here I sat, throwing myself at my best friend’s mercy who had every right to toss me out after the way I’d spoken to her. Guilt and shame was no more than I deserved to feel.
Keira paced, muttering and pouring another glass of wine. She stopped at the window, peering outside. “There’s a guy parked across the street staring at my house.”
“That’s my bodyguard.” Mike, the man I was pretty sure had stolen my pills.
“You’re joking?” I looked at her, wondering if I looked like I was in a joking mood. “Because of Adam?” I tried not to wince as I nodded.Adam. “Well, I guess Moneybags did one thing right.” I wondered about Mike’s presence, why Alfie bothered with it if Adam was truly…I couldn’t bear to think about it. Was Mike here to keep up appearances that Adam was still a threat? Or perhaps Alfie didn’t know about Adam and believed the security really was necessary? No, even to me that sounded flimsy. I tried, I tried so hard to pull the wool back over my eyes, but I couldn’t. It was too late. I could see everything now, and it made me want to rip my own eyes out.
I’d told Keira everything, every sordid thing about Alfie and I. She’d listened, and she hadn’t judged, though I could tell she wanted to. I’d told her about him making me kneel and pulling my hair after Bradley, and as I spoke I couldn’t believe those words were mine, how crazy they were. I told her about him burning himself, about how he fucked me on the snooker table and left bruises. I told her about the grey dress and the jacuzzi. I told her how I’d instigated and fought. I’d gone along with it, every toxic thing, every step of the way.
I told her through my sobs how he’d asked if I could love him. I told her about the red dress, about him feeding me Chinese food and how he’d spent an hour driving Ryan around in his car. I told her about the bleeding hearts, about the garden I’d made for him, about how he had taken such gentle care of me after what Adam had done. But was any of it real? Had he done those things because he wanted to or was it all part of the game? Why had he sabotaged what we had? Stealing my pills…It just didn’tseem right. It felt sloppy. Alfie Tell was so many things, but sloppy wasn’t one of them. I didn’t understand.
I dropped my head into my hands and dug my fingers into my scalp. I felt like my brain might explode.
My phone lit up in my handbag and my whole body tensed.
“That him?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. I knew without looking that it would be. I flinched as Keira dug into my bag and pulled out my phone.
“What are you doing?” I asked, panicked.
“Texting him,” she replied with a grim look on her face. I flew out of my seat and lunged for the phone but she held it out of my reach.
“No! No, Keira you can’t! Please, please don’t!” I begged her, my chest tightened, twisting me down the centre. Alfie was a bear that I didn’t want to be poked, a hungry tiger I needed to hide from. I envisioned what would happen after Keira had finished giving him a piece of her mind. He would come here and I wasn’t ready. Not yet.
“Lo, chill the fuck out, okay? I’m telling him that you’re making up with me before you leave. We’re having a girls night. I don’t want him showing up here doing his caveman routine.” She turned her attention back to my phone, her thumbs flew over the screen, her hands perfectly steady. She wasn’t scared. Alfie was potentially responsible for murder and she wasn’t afraid. Or maybe she was just very good at hiding it. She finished up the text, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip. “I should never have left you with him. I should have seen it,” she murmured, her voice catching.
“You did see it,” I whispered, refusing to let her tell herself that this was her fault. “Keira, I’m so sor?—”
“If you tell me you’re sorry, I’ll throw my wine at you.” She tossed my phone onto the armchair and turned to face me. Iforced myself to hold her gaze when all I wanted to do was hang my head.
“I messed up.” The words were easy to say. It was a relief to admit them. To stand in front of a friend I knew loved me unconditionally, with my palms open in apology. I had no need for false pride in front of Keira. She had always loved me as fiercely at my worst as she had at my best and I had thrown that back in her face. Guilt and shame. I deserved to feel all of that weight. .
“Yeah, you really did and I’m gonna be pissed about it for a while, but we’re lifers so what am I gonna do? Not forgive you? Please.” She rolled her eyes and sat on a packing box that protested her weight. She wrapped her arms around herself, thinking. “Are you scared of him?”