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“I never would,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“I know.”
“You slammed a door in my face, Lola. I wanted to choke you and make you cry for doing that to me.” The cotton of his shirt whispered against the green cloth we lay on and I looked down to see his fists balling up into tight coils.
“But you never would.”
“Never.” He shifted beside me and I lifted my chin to find his steel greys on mine, piercing and honest.“Never.”I sighed in acknowledgement and returned my gaze to the ceiling.
What kind of people were we becoming? Every day I felt less and less like myself. It scared the hell out of me.
Lola O’Connell didn’t get hysterical, she didn’t run away and hide in a games room, and she didn’t lie next to a man who freely admitted to thinking about violence while he was inside her.
But I wasn’t really Lola any more, I was Lola à la Alfie. Lola 2.0. Lola Reloaded.
Was he improving me or damaging me? I had no idea. But I knew one thing for sure.
“That was a punishment fuck, wasn’t it?” I didn’t know why the words came out of my mouth. I hadn’t intended for them to and now they were out there, another peg on the Alfie Tell clothesline of bad behaviour.
That fuck hadn’t been about my argument against leaving with him, it had been about the door I’d slammed in his face. The look on his face when I’d opened the door hadn’t been fury, it had been fear. I’d made him feel weak. And he had punished me for it. It was becoming a predictable habit.
“Yes. Did it hurt?” His gaze roamed over my body, searching for injury, either hoping for it or dreading it, I couldn’t tell.
“Yes,” I answered, speaking for the throb in my core and the ache in my muscles. “Does that make you happy?” I was surprised by how calm I sounded, as if we were discussing the weather and not whether or not he’d enjoyed causing me pain.
Small lines formed between his brows as he processed and filed his emotions into their appropriate place. I watched him practice this mechanical way of feeling. It was careful and controlled, but it was starting to slip. He wasn’t finding it as easy to manage as he used to. His mask was taking longer to put on. This hate-fuck had been an unwilling glimpse into the inside of Alfie Tell. He was scared of me. If I could shake his emotional control, that meant I had power over him, and I knew there was a part of him that hated me for it.
But he had power over me too, couldn’t he see that?
“It ought to make me feel better. Instead I just want to punish myself for hurting you. You’re turning everything on its head, O’Connell. You’ve changed all of the rules. You’ve thrown out the damned rule book entirely.”
I wondered what had happened to make rules so important to him. I knew there had once been an Alfie Tell that hadn’t cared for the rule book. I gave him a soft smile, one that was supposed to say‘I know the feeling,’but apparently it said something different because his eyes darkened in a way that turned my stomach.
“That fucking smile will be the death of me.” He tore his gaze away from mine and resumed his glare up at the ceiling, the muscle in his jaw ticking away. I mimicked him and we resumed our silence, each taking stock of our own thoughts.
Were we in the realms of fucked up? Becoming one of those couples that other people would refer to as toxic?
I didn’t want us to be toxic. I wanted us to be happy.
Alfie shifted beside me as the coil of sexual tension snaked its way through his body again. I couldn’t tell you exactly how I knew it was happening, I could just feel it. Maybe it was chemical. Pheromones or something.
“You’re too far away.” He reached for me, trying to pull me into his arms, but I swatted him away.
“I’m still mad at you.” Toxic fucking wasn’t our only problem, toxic fighting was there too. As usual he’d managed to sidestep a major issue by fucking me and, as usual, I’d let him. I was mad at myself too, but I was mad at him more because at least I’d tried. “I might have to put a ban on you touching me until I’ve decided whether or not I’m leaving with you.”
“I dare you to try.” He settled a defiant hand on my thigh, a silent compromise that I decided to accept. His thumb tapped a restless rhythm against my leg. I had become so in tune with him that the rhythm sent a relentless pulse through my own body,beating a drum inside me, restarting my own primal desires.Will I never be tired of him?I wanted to roll over, straddle him. Just to have him inside me would appease us both, but I was sore and we had things to discuss. Sidestepping couldn’t become our habit. That’s whattoxiccouples did.
I looked up to see his steel greys burning a hole in the ceiling. He was cogitating on something. I dragged my eyes from him and began burning my own hole in the ceiling.
“What is it?” I asked when the ominous silence became too much and threatened to suffocate me. Alfie’s silence was always deafening.
“I don’t understand why you need to think about it. How can you even consider giving this up, Lola?” He sounded distant, as if his thoughts were too complex for him to be completely present.
“You don’t understand how I could giveyouup, you mean. Give up the great Alfie Tell, business mogul and wonder-fuck.”
“I wouldn’t word it like that, but yes. I don’t understand it. I can give you anything, literally anything. I can get you a seat on a fucking moon shuttle if you want it. I fuck you well, better than anyone else can?—”
“Do you even realise that you’re saying all the wrong things?” I cut him off. “Have I ever struck you as the kind of girl that would be swayed by material nonsense? I’m the girl that buried diamond earrings in the garden, remember? As for the sex, yes Alfie, you are the most wondrous fuck I ever had. But it’s not the most important thing. So what else have you got?”