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“He doesn’t exactly know about it,” I admitted. Bradley gave me a meaningful look and I waved a hand at him. “I know, I know, you think I’m an idiot,” I grumbled, throwing my now empty milkshake into the back of my van along with the rest of my crap.
“No, I don’t think that. I think you know your own mind better than anyone else and you can decide for yourself what you should do. Just do me one favour? Don’t let anyone push you into anything.”
“I’ll try.” We were quiet for a moment, caught in a strange silence that I couldn’t figure out. Now that we were in this limbo between friendship and something else, where did we go from here?
“But you’re really leaving?” he asked and I nodded, giving him a small smile.
“Yeah, I really am.” I looked up and found his gaze unusually intense, his carefree ease gone.
He gave a small nod as if he’d made up his mind about something. “Then…I have to do this.” He took a step towards me, then another. I was frozen, my feet glued to the ground. His hand cupped my cheek and slid into my hair, and my breath hitched at the heavenly feel of his skin against mine. “Just once.” He leaned in, tilting my mouth up. I could count the freckles on his face…
I should say something, I should stop him, but before I could react, his lips pressed to mine in the softest of kisses. I let out a small moan of happiness. It was a kiss I hadn’t known I needed and I could feel the desire emanating from him, so much want bleeding into just that one touch, that one small place where our bodies met.
It ended too quickly. He pulled away with difficulty and my chest, so full of desire and guilt, felt as though it was about to break open. Bradley stroked a gentle thumb over my cheek, his eyes full of longing and regret. My own eyes began to fill with tears and I had to look away.
“Don’t cry, Lo. You’re in love and you have the world at your feet. And you won’t be the only girl for me. I’ll get over it.” He leaned in again, pressing his lips to my cheek this time, and then drew away. I braved a glance up at him and nodded, offering him my best brave smile. His hand dropped to his side and I missed it already, missed its reliable comfort. He took a few steps then turned around, walking backwards towards his car.
“By the way, I love your dress,” he called and walked away, unaware of how his words had sliced me. Alfie’s gift. I’d been wearing the dress he’d bought me as I kissed another man.
What the hell have I done?
Fifty-Nine
My guilt over kissing Bradley weighed on me, and was only alleviated when it was replaced by my guilt over telling Natalie I was leaving.
I waited until after dinner, when Ryan was engrossed writing the latest chapter of Geoffrey the Giraffe. Then I sat her down at the kitchen table and told her everything. I hadn’t planned what to say but in the end I knew I couldn’t keep anything from her, it wasn’t fair. So I stammered and stumbled, my heart pounding in my chest as I told her about Alfie and my college offer.
She listened calmly as I spoke, sipping her chamomile tea, her dark eyes steady as ever. I expected her heart to break, but instead it burst with pride. I had expected her to be angry that I was leaving her but instead she broke into a smile, and as her arms wrapped around me I sobbed with relief.
“Don’t cry, Lo, we’re going to be fine. It’s you I’m worried about. You’ve got a hell of a decision to make.” She pulled back, her hands clasping in mine.
“I know.” I laughed bitterly. Almost a week had passed since Alfie had asked me to leave with him and I was still no closer to making my choice. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wasn’t even sure I could bear to go. I don’t want to leave you.” My voicecracked as I spoke and I bit down on my lip, trying hard not to break down in front of her.
“Oh love, there’s a difference between leaving and abandoning. Our dad abandoned us, butyouaren’t abandoning me and Ryan. I left my family to come here and build a new life for myself. You need to do the same.” She squeezed my hands, emphasizing her words.
“But you need help with Ryan?—”
“I was raising him alone before I met you. Do you really think I can’t do it again? I’m a mother, Lo. I don’t get the luxury of being scared or tired. Having to wear that front every day builds a strength inside you you didn’t know you had.” I thought of my own mum. Even when she was facing her own death, she still hadn’t let her fear show. She had been strong, right up until the end. Natalie smiled and I couldn’t help but return it.
“I’m going to be fine, love. I don’t need you to hold my hand, and you don’t need anyone holding yours either. Not me, not Keira, not Alfie.” I stared at my sister, wondering how I’d ever thought she wouldn’t be able to cope without me. She was a tower of strength. I was the one who wavered. I sighed, relief flooding through me.
“Don’t be too relieved. You haven’t told Ryan yet.”
Telling Ryan I was leaving was awful. There was no other way to describe it. My tough, monster-fighting nephew with a skull and crossbones ‘tattoo’ drawn on his arm, cried like the little boy he was as Natalie broke the news. It took all I had to hold it together but finally, after lots of cuddles and promises of ice-cream, he managed to calm down his sobs to gentle hiccups. I held him in my lap, stroking his hair as I answered all of his questions and helped him straighten out this huge life change in his eight-year-old mind.
“Will you ever come back?” he asked in a small, broken voice that twisted my heart.
“Of course. This is still my home, but I’m a grown up and grown ups have to go on adventures so they can learn how to be better grown ups,” I said softly as I rocked him back and forth.
“Can I come on the adventure too?” His voice was full of hope. I gave him a small smile and wiped his tear-stained cheeks.
“Not this time,” I told him gently. “You’re still little so you need to have different adventures right now. You need to have adventures at school or with your friends or up here, in your imagination.” I tapped a finger to his head. “Maybe you could write about the adventures you have and send them to me while I’m away? So that I don’t miss out on anything.”
“Like sending you chapters of a book?”
“Yeah, like that.”
He thought about it, his little face screwing up in concentration. “Yeah okay, I can do that.” Just like that, the storm had passed and his world was the right way up again.