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Later, after Ryan was tucked up in bed, Natalie and I curled up on the coach with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s each. It felt like an age since I’d really seen my sister and now I felt as though I’d left it too late. There wasn’t enough time. We talked about how I was going to care for my Memory Garden while I was away. I figured I would try to come back every few months to tend to it. I hated the idea of weeds growing up over my family’s ashes, but the idea of letting anyone else tend to it was worse. I wasn’t ready for that.
It was the perfect evening with my family, even if it was going to be my last one for a while.
My phone didn’t make a sound all night as, for once, Alfie let me be. Though Elliot remained an ever present vigil outside my home. But where once that would have bothered me, now I was grateful for it. For better or for worse, neither of us were the same people we had been that very first day at Harrington House.
Seventy-Three
On Friday morning I drove my old van into work and opened up the cabin for the last time.
“Surprise!” A harmony of voices hit me and I squealed in shock, my eyes wide at the sight of the cabin filled with my colleagues. The girls from the cafe held my favourite Death by Chocolate cake, which Daisy was eyeing with interest. The shop assistants and growers were holding a huge sign with ‘Good Luck!’ painted on it. Rosie was openly weeping and threw her arms around me. Only Bradley and Mark were nowhere to be found.
I spent the next hour being passed from hug to hug with one well wish after another. In all the madness over the last few weeks, the impact of leaving these people had gotten buried in the box of things I didn’t have room to deal with, but now that it was here, the pain was sharp, yet it felt right to be leaving. I was never supposed to be here forever.
A while later my colleagues began to filter out one by one, returning to their duties. When they had all gone, I looked around my empty cabin. I was glad Mark wasn’t here. I felt unsure of what to do with myself. The bulk of my work was pretty much done and I…I was ready to break ties with thisplace. I needed it over with now, and I needed Alfie. After today, it would just be him and I.
I spent the rest of the day tying up loose ends—sending final documents, shutting down my email, and clearing out my desk. As the end of the day approached, my last task was to clear out my van before handing the keys over to Rosie.
Armed with cleaning supplies, I set about the unpleasant job. An hour later, I’d scrubbed every inch of my faithful old van. Every food wrapper and Starbucks cup had been stuffed into a bin bag until there was no sign I’d ever been there. Stupidly, I found myself feeling sad at the thought of parting with my stuttering, grumbling companion. I shook that off and did a final sweep. I checked the door compartments and emptied those too, then flipped open the dash. A pile of receipts, old MOT documents, tissues, and chocolate wrappers poured out. I stuffed them into the bin bag, frowning as the ever shrinking pile gave me the niggling feeling that something wasn’t right. When I finally realised what was bothering me, my heart began to beat a little faster.
Where were they?
I looked in the bag full of rubbish as if they might suddenly appear.
My stomach turned over.
Panicked, I dropped the bag and emptied the dash entirely, shaking out every document and wrapper. My pills. They weren’t here. I went through the bag again but…no, no, no…
“Miss O’Connell?” I jumped out of my skin and spun to find Mike standing behind me. “I apologise, I didn’t mean to frighten you. Would you like me to carry that rubbish to the bins for you? I would have approached you sooner but Mr Tell told me to keep my distance whilst you’re working.” His tone was even, unnerving me.
I paused. My racing heart seemed stuck in my throat, halting my words. I took a deep breath and plastered a smile on my face.
“That’s okay. I can do it.” He eyed me for a moment. His gaze was sharp and shrewd. It mimicked Elliot exactly, except there was no hint of kindness in this man’s eyes. This man worked for Mr Tell and didn’t give a good goddamn about me.
My pills had been stolen out of my van. Elliot had driven my van multiple times, but just two days ago I’d left this man alone with it while he moved Keira’s things for me. I itched to accuse him but I held it back. My stomach turned over again and fear crept up my spine. Could I be overreacting? I had to be sure before I started throwing accusations around.
“Is everything alright?” he asked, his gaze sweeping over me.
No, everything is very much not alright.
“Of course. I don’t need any help though, thank you.” He eyed me for another moment before giving me a stern nod and returning to his car. With trembling hands, I cleared up my van, locked it, and dumped the bin bag in the industrial bins before heading back to my cabin.
I was trying so hard not to think what I was thinking, to avoid stepping onto this road that I’d fought so hard to avoid. My handbag sat on my desk, waiting to tell me what the ghost of me already knew but Alfie’s new Lola had refused to believe. My palms were sweating as I opened my bag and unzipped the inner pocket where just a few days ago I had hidden one of three sets of pills. My knees buckled and I sank into my chair. It was empty.
No, no, no…
He couldn’t have.
He wouldn’t.
Alfie…
‘I trust you with my body.’I had said it more times than I could count. I shook, my body a volcano, my anger and fear rumbling like lava threatening to erupt out of me.
Without thinking, I grabbed my bag. I was suddenly sick of this damned cabin. Sick of who I was in this place, sick ofmyself.
I locked up and spotted one of the growers pushing a wheelbarrow towards the perennial greenhouse. I called over and tossed them the keys for the cabin and the van, asking them to pass them on to Rosie. Then I scanned the car park until I found Mike leaning against his car. I headed straight for him, walking past my old van without another glance.
“Take me home,” I told him and threw myself into the back seat, not missing Mike tapping on his phone before he got behind the wheel.