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His words rang in my head as he walked away. He was walking away from me. It was like watching a window close, leaving me in darkness. I felt something inside me slot into place and, on the verge of panic and desperation, I knew how to make him stop, how to bring him back.
“I’ll leave with you.” The words shot out of my mouth before I had time to truly register their meaning. He stopped at the top of the stairs and turned, looking down at me where I waited on the bottom step, clutching the banister. “When you leave next weekend, I’ll go with you.” I felt blood rushing in my ears as he studied me. I waited for happiness, but it didn’t come. He raised his brows the barest millimetre and then, with a disdainful look on his beautiful face he spoke.
“Beg me,” he said. I stared up at him, wide-eyed. “Beg me to take you with me.” He gave me a scornful smirk, turned, and walked away. I stared after him open-mouthed for a moment before I ran up the stairs just in time to see him disappear into the bedroom. I was at war with myself. I should tell him to go fuck himself, but keeping him felt like an act of self-preservation.I needed him. I couldn’t lose another person I cared about. It was as simple as that.
I followed him into the room and grabbed his hand, which he immediately pulled out of my grasp. I prepared to degrade myself.
“Please.” My voice sounded a little stiff, what remained of my former stubborn self crying out at me not to give him this power. He arched an eyebrow and my cheeks burned in humiliation. I tried again. “Alfie, please. Take me with you.”
“Why do you want to come?”
I almost groaned in frustration. Why did he have to pick everything apart? Any other man would accept my agreement and be happy, but not Alfie. He needed to take everything I had and then more.
“Because this decision isn’t about what I want, it’s about what I can’t live without. I can’t live without you. Please Alfie, don’t keep me out.Please.” I waited for him to smile but he didn’t. I waited for some sign that he was pleased but it didn’t come. “Alfie, I know you’re hurting and I know it’s my fault, but please, try to find a better way back to me. I’ve said I’ll go with you, isn’t that enough?” He fixed me with his hard gaze.
“Nothing’s ever enough, Lola. I can never have enough. Enough money, enough pleasure, enoughyou. I’m such a fucking glutton, I can never?—”
“Hush.” I pressed a hand to his cheek and his eyes widened in surprise. I don’t know what came over me, but in his darkest moments, my instinct was always to comfort him. He stared at me, searching for dishonesty in my face. I cupped his cheek, my thumb gently stroking his cheekbone, and I waited.
“Let it hurt, Tell.” Slowly, like a stray dog learning to trust its rescuer, he softened, just a little. I’d hurt him so badly, I should have known he would do everything he could to push me away,but like the night that he scalded himself in the shower, I would wade through his darkness with him.
“You were wearing that dress.” I thought about how nervous he’d been when he’d given me that beautiful red dress, how scared he’d been that I might throw it back in his face, and now I had. I wanted to close my eyes, to hide from the pain on his face, but I couldn’t, I needed to see it. He clenched his jaw, his brows knitting together. I watched as the ice left his eyes and there, glinting in the moonlight on his eyes’ surface, were tears.
“Youfuckingbitch,” he whispered the words so low I barely heard it. He didn’t seem angry anymore, just hurt, really fucking hurt. He’d given up his wall. He lifted his eyes to mine, the tears holding their ground and refusing to fall. “Why did you do it? Did your future seem so much better with him?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “It looked the same as the life I have now, just with him in it.”
“And your life with me, what does that look like?”
“I have no idea. I’m falling into the abyss with you, Alfie, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. But I’m with you, if you’ll still have me.” My dream had faded away, but in this moment I didn’t care. I just wanted him to not hurt anymore.
“You’ll really come?” I nodded and bit my trembling lower lip. He looked so uncertain. I leaned in, tilting my mouth up, but he tensed and drew away. “I can’t. Your mouth…I can’t.” The guilt-gilded dagger twisted deeper, but I couldn’t blame him.
“Tell me what you need,” I said into the long silence. He gazed at me in dappled moonlight and once again, I waited to see what he would do.
“Do you trust me?” He’d asked me that question many times and I answered him the same as I always did.
“With my body, yes.”With my mind, definitely not.My brows knit in confusion as he undid the Windsor knot of his deep grey tie. He stepped into my space and walked mebackward to the bed as he pulled it out of his collar with a sharp swish. I felt the bed at the back of my legs and I sat, gazing up at him as he held the tie up in front of me. We were playing an entirely new game now.
“Do you trust me?” he asked again, his voice a low, controlled growl that sent a shiver up my spine. I gulped as I realised his intention. In one instant, my body sprang into life and burst into flame. My heart pounded a bassline in my chest. In a trance-like state, I lifted my wrists, holding them out. His eyes flashed with excitement. His anger, his pain, it was all still there, but he was sending it in a new direction, finding a new path back to me as I’d begged him to do. This path would be harder on my body, but so much better on my soul.
He held my gaze as he wound the material around my wrists, binding me. He pushed me gently onto the bed, guiding me into my back.
I squirmed as he lifted my bound hands, securing me to the wrought iron headboard, tying my wrists close enough for my hands to be able to curl around the metal. I tested the knot and found that the tie, like its owner, had absolutely no give. He stood over me, his chest heaving with the power of his passion for me. I felt the walls rise around us, our souls calling to each other as he sealed us inside a bubble where nothing existed but us. It was the edge of insanity I both feared and craved.
“Do you trust me?” He was giving me one last chance at an out. I didn’t want it. Not even a little. I nodded again.
He reached for me, and with harsh, deliberate movements, he began to strip me. He gripped my shirt at the collar and ripped it down the middle, baring my torso. He reached under me, unsnapped my bra and I gasped in surprise as he wrenched it up my arms, taking my shirt with it, and into my own bound hands where I held it tightly. I expected attention on my breasts but he moved straight to my jeans, undoing them andpulling them away from me in one fluid movement, taking my underwear and shoes with them. Within seconds I was naked, and he stood at the foot of the bed in his charcoal suit, looking down at me. I could barely breathe, yet I panted hard. Alfie Tell was elevating us to a higher level of fucking, a higher level ofus, and I couldn’t wait to get there.
He cocked his head slightly, a silent instruction that I couldn’t fail to miss after he had trained me so well. I opened my legs as wide as they would go, leaving all of my modesty behind me, and bared myself to him.
I barely stifled a needy moan as he reached for the buttons on his jacket and shrugged out of it. His waist coat followed and then his shirt fell away, revealing his marble torso. He removed his belt and I shivered as he squeezed the object in his fist, causing the leather to groan before he threw it aside. God, I wanted him. My core ached and I could feel the wetness glistening there. He saw it too, his lips parting in desire.
“Alfie…” I breathed, not knowing what I was asking but as always, he knew.
“I’m here.” He looked at me. “But I can’t go easy on you, Lola. I have some anger to work out and territory to reclaim.” It was a warning I didn’t need. I didn’t care how he took me as long as he did.
He stripped off what was left of his clothes and my mouth watered at the sight of his erection. My core clenched in needy anticipation. He knelt on the bed and, without instruction, I drew my knees higher, inviting him to take me, showing him I could take it all. I wanted that insanity. Iwantedit.