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“Then why don’t I feel it?” His gaze searched mine and my jaw snapped shut. I didn’t know. He’d said he was mine too, but was he? He’d barely let me in any further than he had then, his clutches were just tighter now. His phone chirped—a shrill little bird that never gave us a moment’s peace. His jaw clenched as he glanced at it. “I have to get to work.”
“We need to finish this,” I argued but he just waved a dismissive hand. The meeting was over.
“It’s done. I forgive you.”
“You forgive me?” I urged myself to stay calm but it wasn’t working. I was slipping and the more I slipped the more traction he gained.
“Yes. You’ve had a difficult few days, what with Keira and Adam. I shouldn’t have tried to be intimate so soon after what he did to you.”Is that what happened?That made sense. It made more sense that last night had been about me panicking at being touched after what Adam had done. It made more sense than the possibility that Alfie had been trying to?—
The old ghost of me interrupted my thoughts with a scream of protest. I winced inside. I was a conflicted mess and the only person that had answers was Alfie.
He stood, dismissing the issue. The sight of his impassive expression had my frustration bubbling over like lava until, finally, I snapped. I swept my unused breakfast things onto the floor with a yell, sending plates and pastries scattering onto the floor.
Alfie’s head snapped up, his sharp gaze flitting from the mess to me.
“Lola, what do you think?—”
“Enough!” I screamed, my voice hoarse. I was losing it. “Just stop messing with me, Alfie.” My fists slammed down on the table with a resounding thud. “What happened last night? It wasn’t about me panicking after Adam. We already had sex yesterday morning and I handled it. So, explain to me, what the hell were you doing? I told you it wasn’t safe and you didn’t care. I know that I let you, but Alfie, youpushedme. What were you thinking?” Alfie flinched in surprise at my burst of strength, but he wasn’t more surprised than me. I stared him down. I needed an answer.
“I made an error in judgement.”That’s an understatement.
“Not good enough,” I said through gritted teeth. Adrenaline coursed through me, the air between us palpable.
“What do you think happened?” The ghost of me knew, the part of me that had heard Keira’s whispers, but I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t stand her truth. I mentally backed away from the edge that would surely tip me away from Alfie.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything, Alfie. I don’t know my own thoughts, my own words. I need—”I need you to think for me.Was that true? I squeezed my eyes shut and covered them, blocking him out. As soon as he was out of sight it was easier to think, but my thoughts brought Keira’s words flying in on barbed wings. I ran from them and opened my eyes, soaking him in again, letting him wash away my mind.
“Alfie, I need you to swear that you aren’t doing anything you shouldn’t be.” I tried to sound strong but it sounded like a plea instead. He squared his jaw and answered immediately.
“I swear it.” ‘What would I be doing that I shouldn’t?’ That’s what he should have asked,the ghost of me whispered. I ignored her.
“Swear it on my body.”
“I swear it on your body, Lo.” Again, his answer was instant. I searched his face, trying to find a lie, but all I saw was his beauty blinding me.
I didn’t want this distance between us. It shook me to my very core when the cord between us was compromised. Knowing what I needed beforeIdid, he opened his arms and of course I went to him. He buried his nose in my hair.
“I never mean to hurt you, Lola.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“Last night, I just wanted you so badly. After what Adam did to you, I needed to…” I tipped my head up to catch his gaze. He looked how I felt inside. “I needed to claim you. Can you understand that?”
I nodded and buried my face in his chest. I did understand that need, the need to claim ownership. I felt the same way about him when Angie was around, but I didn’t have the nerve to tell him that now. I didn’t want to fight anymore, I just wanted him.
Seventy-One
My day was hectic and I was grateful for it because otherwise I might have been driven mad by the swirling confusion in my head.
Mark still wasn’t here so I guessed Alfie had been true to his word. I’d seen Bradley in passing but always just that, in passing. He left rooms when I entered them, averting his gaze if he saw me. It hurt—Bradley was my friend and I cared about him—but it was how it had to be.
I spent the day getting things in order. My work was up to date and it would be relatively easy for Rosie to train my replacement. I just needed to make sure I left behind as smooth a landing as possible. Tying up the loose ends left a lump of nostalgia in my stomach. To know that my days weren’t going to be filled with soil and plants anymore was painful and my mum’s necklace weighed heavily around my neck.
Doubts crept in, gnawing at me, and every time they did I pushed them away, reminding myself that I could cope without my dreams, but I couldn’t cope without Alfie. In my almost 24 years I had lost so much. I couldn’t lose more and I prayed that I was placing my faith in the right man.
Adam.Adam wove in and out of my thoughts, an insistent wave that I beat back every time it rolled in, until I lay down exhausted and let it wash over me. If Adam’s intention had been to drive me away from Alfie, he’d had the exact opposite effect. Without Alfie’s protection, I would be terrified of him hurting me again, but in a few days I would be gone and Adam would never cross my path ever again.
I worried about Alfie. We had separated earlier on tentative terms. The last few days had tested us hard and even after holding me this morning, Alfie had remained distant, consumed by whatever it was that tormented him. I wished he would tell me. I was so desperate to understand him.