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His jaw flexed, his eyes flashing. I watched as he recalculated, trying to figure out a way to turn this game around and keep me out. I watched the cogs turn, sputter, and come to a creaking halt. For once, he didn’t have any clever moves. Without a word, he turned on his heel and stalked into the bathroom.
I sighed, but decided to give him a moment to himself. I got dressed, slipping into the blue sundress I’d packed the night before, before following him into the bathroom. Wordlessly, I set about cleaning my teeth and trying to fix my hair as he got himself ready for the day. He was completely naked, but for once it didn’t distract me. His eyes were those of a wounded animal, frustrated and scared. We moved in silence and after a few minutes, with his hair perfectly styled, he left and I followed him into his closet.
Ignoring me, he pulled a fresh pair of Calvin Kleins out of a drawer, and before I could think I’d yanked them out of his hand. His eyes widened.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t answer because I really wasn’t sure. As always, in moments like this, I just followed my instincts. I knelt in front of him. I tapped his ankle, indicating I wanted him to lift his foot. I watched his fists bunch, the veins popping in his forearms. I didn’t understand what caused this storm-stricken sea in which he was stranded, but I’d ride those waves with him whether he liked it or not.
I held his ankle as I held his gaze, waiting. I’d wait all day if I had to. Eventually, he lifted his foot. I slipped his underwear on and stood as I guided them up over his calves, his muscular thighs, until the waistband rested on his hips.
I opened the drawer I knew contained his socks. There they sat in neat little black rows. I grabbed a pair from the bottom,messing up their strict order with a satisfied smile. He watched me, his gaze wary.
“Enough.” He forced the word out through gritted teeth. I sighed and cupped his cheek, rubbing my thumb over his cheek bone.
“No, Alfie. It isn’t enough. We’ve done this dance before, remember? The morning after I told you about your garden. I offered you my affection and you responded with cruelty. But I remember what else happened that day. You told me about a girl who played the violin, who had been so poorly treated that she believed she was unworthy of any kind of attention or kindness.” I fell into his eyes, wishing I could exorcise his demons for him. “You are worthy, Alfie.” His eyes narrowed but I didn’t dwell on it. I knelt again and this time he didn’t resist as I slipped the socks over his feet.
Next, I selected a deep grey suit, wishing for a blue one but knowing that I had to take baby steps. I slipped his trousers on first, leaving them undone. Next his shirt. I guided one arm through and kissed my way along his shoulder blades as I moved around him to guide in the other. He watched me as I fastened one button at a time, slowly covering his exquisite torso. I tucked his shirt in and fastened his trousers with care. Next his tie. I had watched him enough times to know how he liked it. I pressed myself close as I wove the fabric into a Windsor knot that wasn’t quite perfect. I straightened it for him, knowing it would drive him crazy if I didn’t.
I moved to fasten his cuffs but paused, thinking as I stared at his bare wrist.
“Wait here.” I dashed into the bathroom and grabbed the small scissors from his toiletry kit. I returned to find Alfie hadn’t moved a muscle and looked thoroughly tortured.
He watched, expression wary as I untied the deep blue decorative ribbon around the waist of my dress. I cut it offaltogether before selecting the smoothest piece and cutting off a smaller length. I tossed the pieces and scissors onto the dresser and stepped towards him.
Without a word I took his hand and wound the blue ribbon around his wrist before tying it in a gentle knot. I lifted his hand and kissed the smooth skin on the inside of his wrist. I could almost feel his pulse racing against my lips. I peeked up at him and my heart broke. He’d never looked so confused. I watched reluctant tears shimmer in his eyes as his gaze flicked between me and the bright colour burning his ghostly skin.
I wanted to say something but I decided to leave it be. This was a huge step for Alfie. He needed time to process. I turned back to the chest of drawers and selected the same cuff links that had driven me to insanity last night. I slipped them on, allowing myself a small smile at the memory.
I placed a Rolex on his wrist and helped him shrug into his jacket. Finally, I selected a pair of Oxford-style shoes and guided him to the cream pouffe. He sat and I knelt at his feet so I could slip his shoes on. I tied his laces with care and felt along the shoe to make sure it fit.
“Are they comfortable?” I looked up but Alfie was distracted, his fingers rubbing the blue ribbon through his white shirt. “Alfie?” He looked at me. “Do these shoes fit okay?” He stared at his own feet, wiggled his toes, and then nodded.
He looked so lost and I hated it.
His gaze fell back on the ribbon, barely visible through his shirt. “This isn’t right. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It makes every kind of sense.” I climbed into his lap, straddling him. Cupping his face, I forced him to look at me. “We’ll make it, Alfie. We’ll fight and we’ll fuck, but we’re going to make it to the finish line.” I gave him one of my softest kisses. “Just don’t break me before we get there.”
The day flew by me in another blur. I’d left Alfie this morning, quiet but calm. I was glad for once to not be spending the evening with him. After this morning, he needed some time to process and I needed time with my family. I was going to miss them so much when I was gone.
5.30 came quickly and I stepped into the car park, expecting to find Mike waiting for me. I paused when I found Elliot waiting in his place. It felt like weeks since I’d seen Elliot, but it had only been a few nights since I’d watched him break Adam’s wrist like it was nothing.
He seemed to know my thoughts because he gave me a steadying look as I approached.
“You don’t need to fear me, Miss. There’s not many people in the world that can say the same.”
A short laugh escaped me, taking the tension with it. He was right. I had nothing to fear from him, in fact, I owed him more than I could ever repay. I rose up on tip toe and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Thank you, Elliot. For everything.” As much as the memory of what he had done disturbed me, he had saved me from an awful fate. In the madness of the last few days, I hadn’t spared much thought to the enormity of what he’d done for me and I couldn’t deny the guilt I felt over that.
“Of course, Miss.” He gave me an abrupt nod as if breaking a man’s wrist was just another day at the office.
“I haven’t seen you since that night. Have you been staying away from me on purpose?” I asked, hoping to put his mind at ease that it wasn’t necessary.
“Mr Tell thought you might not want to see me, that you wouldn’t be able to handle being reminded of what happened.” He opened the car door for me and I detected the barest hint of a smile in his eyes, “I told him he was underestimating your strength.” I felt a grin spread over my face. Feeling light for the first time in days, I released a breath and got in the car.
For my birthday I got a signed copy of Geoffrey the Ice-Cream Eating Giraffe and a bottle of my favourite perfume. Ryan had hidden gummy worms in the cake which I pretended to be surprised by, and to round off the night we snuggled up on the sofa and watchedThe Simpsons Moviefor the hundredth time.