Page 210

Elliot will collect you at seven.
Alfie Tell.
P.S. Happy Birthday, baby.
My chest constricted as I read his words over and over, soaking in his elegant script. My hand went to my necklace, my thumb rubbing over the glass as I tried to soothe the pain away, but it was pointless. Even my mum’s necklace couldn’t ease what he had done to me.
Alfie…
“Are you going to go?” Keira asked, her fingers playing over the intricate embroidery of the dress’s neckline. I knew she could tell me the name of each kind of stitch. She was exploring and absorbing the same way I did in a new garden.
“I have to. He needs to know.” I felt like I was on the train tracks running head-first into an oncoming train. I didn’t have a choice and we both knew it.
“That’s going to be a shit show.”
“I know.” A heavy silence hung in the air. We had talked this around and around last night after getting the result of my pregnancy test. I had to talk to Alfie and I knew she understoodwhy but it didn’t stop her being afraid for me, though she tried to hide it underneath sarcasm and her trademark blasé attitude. She was scared that Alfie really was responsible for Adam’s death and she was scared that he would bend my mind again. I was scared of both of those things too, but it changed nothing. She wanted to come with me to see him but I refused. I had to tell him myself, and I had to do it alone.
Last night I had been so broken, and today I still was, but in place of my inconsolable sobs was the dim memory that I was Lola O’Connell and I could handle anything. I had been fierce once and I would be again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day I would be strong again.
“Well, at least you’ll be pretty.” We shared a grim smile. There was not one part of my day that wasn’t going to rip my heart out.
“I need to borrow your car,” I told her before swinging my legs out of the bed, leaving her to put the lid back on the box. I had shit to do.
After sending Alfie a text, saying nothing other than I’d see him tonight, the first thing I did was go to Rosie’s. The office closed on weekends but the nursery didn’t and I had a birthday tradition to uphold. I stopped at the cafe and, armed with a blueberry muffin, I went in search of Rosie. I found her amongst the plum trees.
“Darling! Happy birthday!” She pulled me into her arms, squeezing me tightly.
“Thanks! I thought you might have forgotten this year, what with me leaving and everything.” I hugged her back, relishing in her comfort. She pulled back and smiled at me.
“Don’t be silly! So, did you make a decision?”
“Yes, but I can’t talk about it now.” I kept my voice even. I would not break in front of her. I refused.
“I understand. Sacrificing something you want for something you need is always hard.” It was a painful lesson but one I was learning fast.
I felt a gentle nudge against my leg and looked down to see Daisy bumping me with her shoulder, eyeing my muffin with interest.
“Hey, old girl.” I broke off a tiny corner of the muffin and knelt down to feed it to her. “Thanks for always sharing my treats with me.” I pressed a kiss to her head. I let out a decisive breath and stood, facing Rosie. “So, as it’s my birthday…” I trailed off and she clapped her hands together.
“Yes! Don’t worry, I’ve set aside the best ones for you. You can take your pick.” I followed her to the back of the nursery where a selection of our best bleeding hearts lay, beautifully arranged. I selected one in seconds and Rosie raised her eyebrows at me.
“That was quick,” she said but I just shrugged. I knew what I wanted today. I pulled her in for a hug, absorbing her warmth one final time. For now anyway.
“Thank you for everything.”
The afternoon was just giving way to the evening as I sunk my hands into the rich earth in my Memory Garden, adding another bleeding heart into the family. Its rich pink hues shone bright in the dying sun and I leaned down to breathe it in.
Every year on my birthday I added a bleeding heart to my garden as a thank you to my mum for giving me…well, everything.
What would she make of what I was about to do? I sighed. Maybe it was time I stopped worrying so much about what everyone else would think of me. Alfie, Keira, Natalie, Bradley, Rosie, Mark…I cared about all of their opinions so much, but I couldn’t live for them. I had to live for me.
With Alfie.
Without Alfie.
Both roads in front of me were agonising, but after that test told me my fortune, I knew which one I had to take.
I stayed in my garden for a while, saying goodbye to it for who knew how long. When I finally left, I found that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I was stronger than I realised and my mum and my gran were tied to me, not to this place. Besides, my garden wasn't going anywhere. I would see it again soon.