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I heard footsteps and for a pathetic second, a part of me thought it could be her. That I would turn around to see her running at me, her firelight hair flying around her face, the blue dress whipping around her soft thighs. She would leap into my arms and tell me she could forgive me, I could have another chance. Hope was a cruel bitch.
“Alfie?” My faithful servant approached, keeping a careful amount of distance in case I lashed out as I had done many times in the beginning. “What happened? I saw your girl leaving…Did she turn you down? Do you want me to go after her?”
“No. Let her go,” I said, wondering how I sounded so calm. But that’s what the dead mask was for. This was why I lived in the grey. “It’s not as if there is still a threat to protect her from.” I sank into the seat she had vacated, her sweet scent emanating from the cushion. I closed my eyes, breathing it in. I wanted to roll about in it like a dog, to imprint her onto my skin. When I opened my eyes, Elliot was still there, concern etched into hisageing face. “She knows about Adam. I’m not sure how but I don’t suppose it matters now. It’s over, Elliot.”
The lines in his forehead creased in confusion. “She blames you?”
“I told her I was responsible, yes. I might as well be.”
Elliot sighed and ran a hand over his jaw. “I’m sorry, Alfie. I’ll go after her, explain that I acted alone?—”
“You will do no such thing.” I cut him off. “You might have acted without my consent but I am glad you killed that worthless shit.”
“But I can get her back. If she knows what he was planning to do to her, if she knows?—”
“If she knows, she will be tempted to come back to me,” I said, my tone clear, commanding, every bit the CEO. A tone that Elliot didn’t deserve. I pulled it back, returning to the grey. “No, Elliot. She said that the way to keep her had been so simple and I think, finally, I understand. Finally, I care about her needs more than mine.”
It was her final lesson to me and I would treasure it. Treasure that here, at the finish line, I had finally learned how to show love. She hadn’t let me say those words, but I had shown they were true. By easing her passage away from me, by calming her and telling her to go, I had finally gotten it right.
“Alfie…” His voice trailed off, tinged with pity. Pity I couldn’t stand. I searched quickly for another subject.
“She got into college.” I’d forgotten about it. How could I forget something so important to her? Selfishness, that’s how.
“That’s great news. It’s about time too,” he smiled.
“You remembered?”
“Of course. It was in the dossier you had me put together. She’s been applying for years. Please tell me you didn’t interfere. She’d be furious if she only got in because you pulled some strings.”
“No, I didn’t interfere.” I gave a short, choking laugh. That was the one thing I got right and I got it right by accident. Because I forgot about it, because getting her into college didn’t benefit me.
Elliot frowned at me, his fatherly gaze searching mine as he tried to find the right words to comfort me. He always tried. He was rarely successful, but in all the years I had known him, he had never stopped trying. I suppose he felt he had his own sins to make up for. His gaze dropped to the table where he eyed the barren test.
“She thought she was pregnant?” I didn’t answer. I stared at her shoes instead, admiring the small indents where her toes had pressed. “What did you do, Alfie?” Instead of waiting for my answer, his sharp eyes scanned the scene. He picked up her glass and sniffed it, then sipped, wincing. “Youthought she might be pregnant? That’s why you gave her this non-alcoholic shit?” He wiped his mouth, grimacing as he tried to escape the taste. He didn’t understand how I could drink it. I didn’t much like it either, but drinking it was easier than explaining why I didn’t drink at all.
“How could she be pregnant? I thought she was on the pill?” He stood over me but, unlike with my father, I didn’t fear Elliot’s anger. No, it was his disappointment I feared, disappointment I was about to get by the barrel. I looked up, facing him.
“I’ve been having Mike steal her birth control.”
He blinked, danger flickering there. I saw the man that wanted to break my wrist the same way he had done to Adam. Were Adam and I so different? He had violated her, and so had I.
“I love you like you were my own son, Alfie. That is the only reason you’re still standing.” He turned away from me, running a hand over his jaw. “Christ, are you mad? Nevermind the damage to Lola, tampering with birth control is reproductive coercion. It’s illegal, Alfie.”
“Illegal? You murdered a man this week, Elliot.”
“Killing rapists shouldn’t be illegal.” He gave me a meaningful look that called to the secret I’d been carrying for ten years. I ignored it, like I always did. “Lola wasn’t his first and she wouldn’t have been his last.” We had discussed this topic before and, for Elliot, it had always been black and white. I knew what he said about Adam was true. It was the only way I could square off his death with my conscience. His death kept Lola safe. It was as simple as that.
I could feel Elliot’s eyes, hard with anger and disappointment at what I had done. I soaked it in, letting it into my pores. I deserved it. If a man who shrugged off murder was judging you, that was a surefire way to know you were crossing a line. Mike, though, he’d been only too happy to do my dirty deeds for a pay bump.
“Alfie, you’re a bloody fool.” I smiled a wry smile. Elliot could always be counted on to say what was on his mind. He and my Lo both shared that quality. “What the hell were you thinking, lad?”
“I was thinking that I’d found the impossible and I was about to lose it. Earning her was my redemption, Elliot, and I’ve failed.”
“You earned her lad, you just tripped at the last hurdle. Don’t go backwards. The life you’re living is no life.” He sighed, clearly caught between wanting to help me and wanting to slap me over the head for the shit I’d pulled. I wondered how many times Lola had been caught between that rock and that hard place. “Go after her, fix it. Promise her whatever you need to. Tell her about Charles, about your father. She’ll understand, I know she will.”
“No.” That was not going to happen.
“You can’t carry their ghosts forever. What happened wasn’t your fault?—”