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“Understood,” he said and my jaw almost dropped. “What else?” He turned to face me and stepped closer, backing me against the wall and blocking me in. My eyes flashed instinctively to the locked door over his shoulder, my only escape. He followed my gaze and then looked back at me, bitter disappointment clear in his eyes. He reached into his pocket and came out with the door key glistening in his palm. He took my hand and placed it in my own palm.
“Run if you have to. I won’t stop you.” His words floored me and I stared down at the key. How many times had I run from Alfie and the threat he posed to my heart and mind? I looked at the door behind him. I could go through it and be out of this heart-wrenching mess. I could go home and have dinner with my family. I could be safe.
I tilted my palm and the key clattered to the floor, the noise obnoxious in the empty room. I wasn’t going anywhere.
I looked up at Alfie, his face a pure picture of relief. A thick wave of guilt settled in my stomach that I still wanted to run, even when he was trying so hard. But this wasn’t all my fault. He’d made this bed too.
“What else, Lola?” he asked again.What else?He was asking me what else I was upset about? I folded my arms over my chest as a fresh memory of his callous rejection coursed through me.
“You hurt me, Alfie. Really bad. And after…after last night, what I told you…you just ignored it, brushed it away like it meant nothing.” My words caught in my throat and I couldn’t bear to look at him, his gaze so piercing, so all-seeing, I had to look away. “It wasn’t nothing to me. Last night?—”
“—was the best night of my life.”
Did I hear that? Were those words truly his?My gaze sprang up to his and for once he was as clear to me as the open sky. His eyes were full of pure, undiluted emotion, shining with the vulnerability he was so afraid to set free. There was no lie there, no ulterior motive.
“I’m not ready to explain why I reacted the way that I did. I wish I could promise you that I will never behave that way again but that would be a lie. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do to keep you and I have no doubt that I will upset you again. The only promise I can make is that I will endeavour to do better.”
I waited.
I waited for the big words, the happy, fairytale ones, but they didn’t come.
“That’s it?” I asked, my voice small and uncertain.
“That’s all I have. In the absence of money or pleasure, which you’ve already proven aren’t enough to sway you, this is all I have.” He tilted his chin up, straightening his shoulders in the manner of a man whose pride was on the line. “Is it enough?” I heard the real question there—Am I enough?
Silence stretched between us as I considered his words. He was asking me to jump and all he could promise was that he would try to catch me…but wasn’t that how it was for everyone who fell? You had to jump and just hope that the other person would catch you, or at the very least that they’d hold your hand on the way down.
“Yes, Alfie, you’re enough.”
I expected us to fall into one another’s arms the way that other couples did after a fight, but Alfie remained as stiff as a statue. His jaw ticked and his fists remained clenched at his sides. He was restraining himself, refusing to resort to sexual manipulation to win me over.
“Alfie, please touch me,” I whispered, my voice hoarse and needy. I could feel the pull of him with every inch of my body, every nerve ending alive and crying out for him. A low growl emitted from his chest and he reached for me, his hands wrapping around my waist like a python.
I watched as he transformed into a different animal, a creature of pleasure and passion. He slowly squeezed me, his grip acting like a corset, his thumbs meeting just under my breasts. This sensual asphyxiation was a strangely erotic feeling. He’d put his hand to my throat before and the restricted air during orgasm was incredible, but this claustrophobic suffocation was something new, something dangerous, and yet I felt safe, because they were his hands and his hands would never harm me.
“Do you still trust me?” he asked with barely-restrained urgency. My hands gripped his biceps, and my core ached so desperately for him it was all I could do not to drop to my knees and beg him to take me. To an onlooker we merely looked like a couple about to kiss, but in truth, we were about to do so much more and I needed to brace myself. Alfie could reach a level of intensity that was hard to withstand, but I got off on the limits he pushed me past, and with our issues aired and laundered, I felt free to let him take me.
“With my body? Yes,” I told him, leaving the rest unsaid.
“That’s good enough.” He pulled my body up against his, his hands so tight I could barely breathe for the heady intoxication of him. “For now.”
Fifty-Five
One of the things I admired most about Alfie was his single-minded focus. When there was something he wanted, nothing would distract him until he had it. It didn’t matter that a moment ago he’d been uncertain of himself. The minute I’d put sex on the table I’d put him firmly back in the driver’s seat. Sex was an area where he would always dominate me. I was becoming addicted to it, as if he were heroin or some other nirvana-inducing drug.
“I can’t be gentle, Lola.” I gave him the slightest nod to indicate I understood. He was giving me a fair warning that this was going to be a rough ride. He turned, pulling me away from the window, and walked me backwards until I hit the wall. The smell of plaster dust tickled my nose but I couldn’t take my eyes off him as, with no hesitation, he yanked the wretched grey dress up around my waist. His hands found my underwear and he knelt, pulling them down to my ankles and helping me step out of them.
I expected him to come back up to me and claim my lips, to lift me and take me like I knew he wanted to. Instead he raised my leg and placed it over his shoulder, attacking my core withhis hot mouth. I moaned aloud, the sound echoing around the empty room.
“Quiet,” he growled against my flesh. I bit my lip to keep from crying out again as he continued his assault on me. His fingers found me and slid inside without warning. After feeling out of sync with him all day, having his body so in tune with mine was heavenly.
He worked me with firm insistence, my clitoris a willing captor. The flesh of my core was tender and sensitive, every touch of his fingers pushing me higher and higher.
My leg buckled as my orgasm peaked and he held me up as I rode the wave. I ground against his mouth, silent except for my rapid breaths. I yelped as he suckled my bud hard, dragging his lips tightly over it as he released me. I felt light-headed and my body slumped against his as he stood.
“Stand up, O’Connell. I’m not finished yet,” he whispered in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. I straightened, forcing my trembling legs to support me. My wetness glistened on his lips and I traced it with a finger before bringing it to my own lips and tasting myself. His pupils dilated as he watched me.
We attacked each other with a fury, both of us vying for control. His strength overpowered mine and I was suddenly spun around, my chest pressing up against the bare plaster of the wall. I ground my bare backside against him, desperate to feel him inside me.