Page 97 of The Havenport Collection

“You can’t go back to your firm!” Emily shouted. “After what they did to you? You should be suing their asses into next year.”

“I know. Trust me. It’s complicated. I went last Thursday just to fill out some paperwork and I got sick.

I threw up in a trash can. It was terrible.

I don’t want that life anymore.” I took another sip of mimosa.

“You have all shown me there is so much more out there for me. And Declan”—I sighed—“Declan taught me a lot too.”

Nora wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

I dried my tears. “Everything is shit right now, guys. My career is effectively over, and I’m not even that upset about it.

I think the love of my life doesn’t want me.

And I can’t even manage to shower regularly.

I’m a mess.” Tears rolled freely down my cheeks as I took in the sympathetic faces around me.

“Hey,” Maggie said gently. “There is nothing wrong with being a mess. We are all messes in our own ways. It’s part of the human condition. You just have to get up every day and try your best.”

“Yeah,” Cecelia said. “Liam and I are fighting. He wants to get married yesterday, and I want to take my time and plan a wedding. It feels like we’re not on the same page about anything right now, and it’s making me nervous to be married to him.”

“And I don’t think Josh and I are going to reconcile,” Maggie said softly.

Nora reached out and grabbed her hand. “I’m so sorry, Mags.”

Maggie gently wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’ll be fine.”

“And I spend every waking moment of my life feeling like I’m failing and I’m a terrible mother,” Emily said. She gestured to her four-year-old. “I think that iPad is going to be fused into his hands. It’s the only way to keep him quiet sometimes.”

“You’re not a bad mom,” Cece said.

“And me?” Nora said. “I’m perpetually single and will die alone.”

I smiled. I loved these women. They really got me. “Okay, okay,” I said. “I get it now, we all have our shit.”

“Which is why we have the coven. We call each other out. We don’t allow self-pity or any negative self-talk,” Emily said.

“Ha. I told you the coven was going to catch on,” Nora shouted. Emily shrugged.

“Astrid, you are a beautiful, brilliant queen who is going to go out into this world and slay whatever you want,” Cece said.

Nora cheered. “And you are going to start with that grumpy fisherman. He messed up. He tried to be noble and made everything worse.” Part of me knew that.

Knew that he wanted to protect me and support me.

But part of me was pissed. I was no one’s doormat, and I made my own decisions, thank you very much.

“But he thinks he can tell me what to do,” I protested.

“Yes, that’s a problem,” Maggie added. “But I’m confident you can set him straight.”

“Of course I can.” As the words left my mouth, I knew they were true.

Thinking back, I could have been honest with him from the start.

I could have explained that I didn’t want to go back to the firm regardless of what happened.

But I had been so confused and unsure of myself.

Walking away from my career was unthinkable just a few months ago, and now I was ready for it.

He didn’t know that. I had never told him.

So as pissed as I was at him, I could recognize the part I played in the confusion.

“So now we need a plan,” Emily said, rubbing her hands together.

I made a time out signal with my hands. “Wait. Wait. Why do I have to do anything? He broke up with me. He should be groveling right now.”

“But he did. Or at least he tried,” Cece said.

Maggie nodded. “Yes. You said yourself you wouldn’t speak to him or respond to his texts.”

“And there will be plenty of time for him to grovel. But you have to go see him and force the conversation. Lay down the law and tell him to cut the shit,” Nora added.

“The Quinn boys are incapable of properly expressing their feelings. Trust me on this one. Especially Declan. He isn’t exactly a talker,” Emily mused, while turning down the volume on Jacob’s iPad.

“I don’t see how this is my job,” I argued.

“Because you are smarter and more evolved. Plus you have us,” Cece said.

“Correct. Poor Declan only has his brothers. And although there is a lot of handsome there, there’s not a ton of emotional intelligence,” Maggie added.

“Bingo,” Cece shouted. “So let’s put our heads together, ladies. It’s time to plan.”

Predictably, my mother had not taken my decision well. When she invited me to lunch I knew it would be tense and I knew it would be miserable, but I couldn’t have predicted just how nasty she would get.

Thankfully, we were in her chambers, so I didn't have to worry about making a scene at a restaurant. I almost threw my SweetGreen salad at her when she accused me of giving up my career for a man. She didn’t care that I was heartbroken.

Didn’t care that I had been assaulted. Something inside me snapped, and I just let loose.

I unleashed all of the hurt, all of the disappointment, and all the sadness I had been holding inside me for years.

I told her that I would never be like her, loveless and cruel.

It was hurtful, but I couldn't help it. I was done with her constant criticism and the unrelenting pressure to live up to some impossible ideal.

I needed to be free to live on my own terms, and I made sure she knew it.

I headed back to my apartment, feeling weary.

I wanted to put on some sweatpants and cry for the next few hours.

I wished I was back at Aunt Connie’s cottage, sipping tea and watching the waves crash over the rocks.

I walked off the elevator, desperate to get out of my uncomfortable shoes, and found my sledgehammer propped up against my door.

There was a note taped to it in a familiar scrawl. Oh shit.

I dragged the sledgehammer into my apartment, propping it up next to my coatrack, and stared at the letter.

I was overcome with the need to read it and hear his words and also the desire to set it on fire and be done with all the heartbreak.

Instead I placed it on the counter while I collected my thoughts.

After losing the uncomfortable clothes and my bra and gaining a large glass of Pinot Noir, I sat down and opened the envelope, bracing myself for the impact of what lay inside.

Astrid,

I am so sorry. I know you don't want to talk to me, but there are things I need to tell you. I love you and I miss you and I shouldn’t have pushed you away.

That night at the gala I got spooked. First, I let your mom get to me.

Her words were cruel but she wasn’t wrong.

I am not good enough for you. But I realize now that I could be.

And I want the chance to prove it to you.

Second, I still blame myself for what happened to you.

The caveman part of my brain just wants to protect you and keep you safe forever.

I was so overcome with rage at Max and what happened to you, I wasn't thinking straight.

I blamed myself and felt like I failed you as a man.

I am still tortured by what happened to you.

The thought of that prick putting his hands on you makes me see red.

I know you probably hate me and don’t want to see me again.

But I just had to tell you how sorry I am.

I had no right to tell you what you wanted.

I had no right to take away your power and your agency like that.

And although I’m the idiot that pushed you away, I am also the idiot who is trying to do the work to be worthy of you.

I have a long way to go, but I won’t stop trying.

No matter what happens, never give up the fight. For yourself, for others, and for justice. It’s your superpower and the world needs you.

Love,

Declan

It was a gut punch. I could ignore his calls and texts, but I couldn’t ignore this. My stupid pathetic heart wouldn't let me.

I missed him desperately and wanted nothing more than to go back to him immediately.

But he hurt me and rejected me and tried to push me back into my old life.

A life I hated. I hated Burns & Glenn, I hated this sterile apartment, and I hated feeling so lonely and empty without my friends.

And I hated that he was there, and I was here.

I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him how I felt and what I wanted.

He owed me that. But the past few weeks had taught me that I was in control of my own destiny.

I was Astrid Wentworth. I never backed down from a challenge.

And I always went after what I wanted. And, as angry and as hurt as I was, I wanted Declan Quinn.