Page 258 of The Havenport Collection

Matteo

I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to vomit and scream and tear the walls down. I was filled with rage, regret, and shame. How could I let my battery die? The first rule of fatherhood was to always have a charged phone. Fuck.

I had finally gotten Val to bed. She was going to be fine. But I took her home and spent hours hovering just in case. It seemed to have been a minor asthma attack. She had her rescue inhaler, and the school nurse observed her. But I was still worried. She hadn’t had an attack at school in a while.

After some intense interrogation, I learned she had been running races in PE. She admitted she was trying to outrun one of the boys in her class.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” she cried. “I know I’m supposed to know my limits, take breaks, and not push myself too hard. But he said girls are slower than boys, and I couldn’t let him win.”

I snuggled her to my chest and kissed the top of her head, smirking a bit. I loved her spirit and her determination, but she had to accept her limitations sometime. It was spring, and pollen was everywhere, and that really increased the odds of a flare-up.

After checking on her for the fourth time, I headed down to the basement where I worked out. I wrapped my hands and started punching the heavy bag in the corner. It was ancient; it had belonged to my dad during his amateur boxing career, but it still got the job done.

I punched and punched until my knuckles bled, but it did nothing to stop the tidal wave of self-loathing washing over me.

My baby girl needed me and I wasn’t available. I was enjoying my weekly fuck date with Eliza without a care in the world. The school couldn’t reach me because I was getting a blow job from my secret girlfriend.

I hung my head, trying to catch my breath. I had failed her. I had fucking failed.

I was backsliding and I knew it. I wasn’t young, stupid, carefree Matteo anymore. And it was silly to think I could even feel that way for a few minutes. I had lost sight of my priorities, and I hated myself for it.

Nora’s words swirled in my head as I resumed punching. Was I being fair to Eliza? I couldn’t be the guy she needed. I couldn’t give her time and attention and the future she deserved. I had completely lost control.

And in addition to hurting Eliza, I was hurting Val, the most important person in my world.

I was so wrapped up in Eliza, I failed to take proper precautions.

I failed to be there when she needed me.

She must have been terrified when the nurse couldn’t reach me.

And what if we both paid the price for my stupidity?

I punched harder, relishing pain that radiated through my hands. I would break all my bones if I had to—the desire was that strong.

The more I punched and ached, the more the truth became apparent. I was the problem. I had lost focus. And I needed to fix it.

I paced around my kitchen with a bag of frozen corn on my knuckles. I needed to talk to Eliza. I had to apologize and explain. This wasn’t working. I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I needed to see her and to talk to her. Make her understand.

The phone rang once.

“Matteo? Thank God. I’ve been waiting to hear about Val? Is she okay? You didn’t respond to my texts, and I’ve been so worried.”

I smiled. I had treated her so poorly, and she was only worried about Val.

“She’s okay.” I paused. “It was minor, and she was mostly just shaken up. I think it was pollen season combined with her getting overcompetitive in PE class.”

I heard her exhale. “Poor kid. How are you holding up?”

I closed my eyes, wishing I could tell her how much pain I was in. The humiliation and disappointment I felt. The thought of letting my kid down just drowning me in shame.

“I’m fine,” I said curtly. “Sorry. It’s been a long day. I really need to talk to you, and I can’t leave Val.”

“Say no more. I’ll be right over.”

I paced around, waiting for her to arrive. I had changed my shirt twice, unsure what to wear for this conversation. I smelled from my impromptu workout, and my hair was a disaster. My contacts had been burning my eyes, so I had my glasses on.

I heard her car pull up, and my heart was in my throat. What would I say to her? Could I make her understand just how fucked up I was?

I pushed those thoughts away, looking up the stairs to where my baby girl slept. If I took my eye off the ball for one minute, could this happen again? What if Mandy was really getting her life together? Could some judge take her away from me?

I opened the door, and Eliza walked in, eyeing me warily. “I’m so glad she’s okay,” she said. I pulled her into a hug, holding her close and inhaling her floral scent before letting her go.

I looked down at her beautiful face, which was currently frowning. She punched me in the shoulder.

“Ow,” I said, grabbing it.

“You didn’t respond to my texts! I was so worried about you both.”

“Sorry.” I led her into the living room, feeling extra guilty. I hadn’t even thought to respond. I was too busy making sure Val was okay and apologizing profusely to Gio, Nora, and every single person who worked at the elementary school.

“Have a seat.” I gestured awkwardly to the couch. She sat down quietly, looking up at me with those big brown eyes. My stomach clenched.

“First, I want to apologize for earlier. I was rude to you, and I’m sorry.”

“I was really scared too, Matteo. I know you were worried and overwhelmed. But you treated me very cruelly.”

I nodded. I am such a piece of shit.

“You called me flaky. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? How I have spent my entire life fighting that assumption?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am not a flake, Matteo. I am an adult woman. I have a career, I pay my bills, I have friends and family and a lovely life. I manage my health and have taken excellent care of your daughter. No matter how upset you are, it’s never okay to speak to me like that.”

She was right. Of course she was right. We had all been worried about Val. It wasn’t an excuse for me to be a total ass to her.

I wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her how scared I had been. Beg her forgiveness. All this time, I thought I was in control. I thought I was managing everything. But I wasn’t. Control was an illusion. I had been hurting Eliza and myself all along.

She looked up at me expectantly, and I knew I had to do it. Lay it all out on the line. I was in love with her and the thought was making me panic. I didn’t know how we could continue; I couldn’t see a path forward.

I ran my hands through my hair again, wanting to pull it out with frustration. “Sorry, I’m doing this wrong. Eliza, I’ve loved hanging out with you and getting to know you these past few weeks…”

“Wait, what are you doing?” She crossed her arms, and her eyes narrowed.

I needed to reset this conversation, make her understand how scared I was.

I decided to just be honest with her. “I care about you—so much more than you even understand. But right now, I feel like I can’t invest in a relationship with you while giving one hundred percent to my daughter and my business.

I am maxed out and I feel constantly torn.

Every day, I worry that I’m fucking everything up with Val, with you, with the restaurant.

I can’t do it anymore. The secrecy, the sneaking around, the constant feeling that I’m neglecting my responsibilities to be with you. I just can’t.”

I stopped pacing and looked at her. She sat silently, clearly digesting my words.

I watched her wipe a single tear from her face. “You wanted to sneak around, Matteo. You wanted to take things slow, keep things casual. I have been clear about my intentions and my feelings from the start.”

“I know. This is my fault, not yours. I was selfish. I just wanted you so much. I didn’t stop to think about what I could actually give you.”

“I have never asked for anything or complained about your responsibilities. I am proud of the man you are and how hard you work. I am in awe of what a wonderful father you are. I have never once asked you to compromise for me.”

I hung my head in shame. She was right. “I know.”

“It’s not selfish to have feelings for someone. It’s not selfish to want love and passion and partnership.” She stood up, walking toward me. “And I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed, but there are a lot of people who would love to help you, myself included. But you are too much of a coward to ask.”

That stung.

She poked my chest. “And you are clearly afraid—afraid of what you feel for me and how good we are together. That’s why you are not willing to give this a real chance, and that’s why you are pushing me away.”

“I am facing a custody battle for my daughter, the very person I’ve been trying to protect all this time. I can't take any risks right now. I can’t fuck up. I can’t lose focus for even one second. I am doing this for Valentina.”

“Don’t blame her. You don’t get to push your bullshit onto her. Be a man and take responsibility for your shitty actions.”

She paced around, and I could feel the rage in her voice.

“You once told me you were a man, not a guy. But you know what, Matteo? You are just like every other guy. Chickenshit and selfish.”

Her eyes were fiery, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and make it better. But I couldn’t. I had hurt her and didn’t know how to fix it. So I had to live with the consequences.

“You hold yourself and everyone around you to impossible standards.”

“This isn’t about you, Eliza—it’s about me,” I offered lamely.

“I know that. This is your shit. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re hurting me because you’re not man enough to face it head-on and deal with it.”

“For weeks I have been ignoring my needs, letting myself get completely wrapped up in you. I felt shitty being your dirty little secret. I hated keeping something so special and so precious from my friends and family. I neglected my self-care to make room for you and all of your needs.”

I tried to speak but she glared at me. I let her continue.

“And you never reciprocated. You didn’t consider my needs; you didn’t reciprocate what I was giving you. So thank you. Thank you for showing me exactly what I don’t want. Thank you for showing me how much better I deserve.”

I stood, chastened by her words. She stared at me, her chest heaving and those beautiful eyes filled with anger. “I can’t believe I thought I was in love with you.”

“Eliza,” I called out. She turned around, her face framed in the doorway. “I’m sorry.”

She shot me a look of pure disgust and then slammed the door behind her.