Page 239 of The Havenport Collection

Eliza

I was freaking out. Panicking. Full-on spiraling out of control. And Gina knew something was up, so I was avoiding her as well.

I thought after the world’s hottest make-out session on Friday night Matteo would call me, text me, or attempt to speak to me.

We shared something real and something intense.

So when I saw him on Monday after a full weekend spent pacing and staring at my phone, I was expecting something.

Anything, really. An acknowledgment that his tongue had been down my throat.

But he was all business. Asking me about Val, chatting politely, and then sending me on my way. There were no dinner invitations, no stolen glances, nothing.

And I was pissed. Every time I tried to talk to him or get him alone, he bobbed and weaved away from me. And I couldn’t very well say anything in front of Val.

I was a lot of things, but bitchy wasn’t one of them. I could never pull off that aloof, cold persona. It didn’t fit—like a bad underwire bra.

Sure I could be cranky and mean, just like every other sentient being on the planet. Bitchy was just not my thing. It was Gina’s thing, for sure. And even my friend Sylvie, the fairy princess slash musical genius, could do it. But not me. Even trying my hardest, I came off like a grumpy goofball.

So as much as I wanted to yell at Matteo for playing games or just throw myself at him, I didn’t. And the longer this went on, the worse I began to feel. Maybe he didn’t like me?

Wouldn’t be the first time.

I had learned at an early age that I was an acquired taste.

My mother used to tell me I “marched to the beat of my own drummer.” Which is a quaint expression and only part of the larger picture.

I marched to a beat all right, but it was a beat only I could hear that slowed down and sped up at really inopportune times.

Like when I had to take a test or sit in traffic.

There were times my ADHD created such loud and frenzied noise in my brain that I just had to tap out of life for a bit. Gina called it “hermiting.”

I needed my hermit time to sit on the couch or stare out the window and not have to engage with the world.

Especially after long shifts at the hospital.

It was a struggle somedays, feeling like I was lazy or unmotivated.

The shame of not being “normal.” My efforts were never linear, never neat and tidy.

My teachers called me “inconsistent” and ex friends called me “flaky.”

But through therapy, I learned how my brain worked and how to take advantage of its uniqueness. I wasn’t ashamed of being neurodiverse anymore. But I still felt lonely and misunderstood at times.

Especially living with Gina, who woke up every morning, showered, drank coffee, and set about her day. She tidied up after herself, made plans, executed them, and did what she had to do.

She didn’t ignore mess, and she didn’t forget about dirty dishes that had been there for days. She didn’t get so excited about something she forgot to shower or put on a bra.

So I made lists, and I had alarms and reminders on my phone, keeping me on track and helping my ADHD brain stay focused.

I tried to maintain a consistent sleep schedule—not easy working nights—and I exercised every single day.

I had an alarm on my phone for a fifteen-minute cleaning and decluttering period every evening.

I tried to eat a healthy diet. I had a whiteboard on the door of my bedroom where I could write myself notes and make lists.

So I was feeling especially down when Sylvie called and demanded I come to game night. I was not in the mood, but I had no excuse since I wasn’t working.

I dragged myself into the shower and threw on some clothes and headed to the twins’ house.

Game night had started last year when I moved back to Havenport.

It was a way for us all to get together and hang out without hitting up any of the pricey bars and restaurants in town.

When Meadow and Juniper’s parents sold their house to travel around in a vintage Airstream, they gave them stacks of old board games.

So every Thursday, some constellation of us got together to eat, drink, and play games.

Meadow lived in the guest room of the small row house Juniper had bought a few years ago and used the adorable backyard for her yoga photoshoots.

In addition to each other, they also had two other sisters, and watching them interact always made me a bit jealous.

Being an only child, I longed for a sibling and would have given my arm for a sister.

Even as an adult, I saw how deep their bond was and wanted something like that for myself.

By the time I arrived, Sylvie had already opened the red wine and was gushing about her new boyfriend, Wyatt. She handed me a glass, and I sank into the couch.

Juniper plopped down next to me, drinking a beer. “It’s been forever since we’ve seen you! Fill us in. What happened with work?”

This was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but I knew I owed them an update.

“I got called into HR and told that after my last infraction, I was being placed on administrative leave for six weeks without pay. Apparently my history of insubordination and my personal issues with Dr. Higgins were a problem.”

“Shit.”

“So many nurses have quit because Higgins mistreated them and mismanages the ER. So I don’t know how having one fewer nurse is going to help the cultural problems.”

“He is the devil,” Meadow shrieked.

I took a gulp of wine. “I defended myself. This isn’t my first run-in with overzealous HR reps. I laid everything out, and Anna helpfully gave them all the information as well. So they will be investigating the case and determining whether I was in the wrong or not.”

“I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.”

“Thanks. But even if I was right, it doesn’t change the fact I was placed on leave.”

“Motherfuckers.”

“I need a new job anyway. I’m going to update my résumé this weekend and work on finding something new.”

Before they could interrogate me further, Gina came in bearing two massive bags.

“That smells amazing,” Sylvie gushed, clearly having had too much wine; she was a notorious lightweight.

Gina placed the bags down on the counter. “It’s my night to provide the food, and you know I can’t cook. So I headed over to Nonna’s Kitchen for takeout.”

Several sets of eyes turned in my direction, and I pretended to study my stemless wine glass.

“Gimme the eggplant parm!” Meadow shouted, snatching one of the bags.

“It’s not vegan,” Gina chided, and Meadow rolled her eyes.

“I am listening to my body and honoring its desires,” she said, peeling the lid off the container and breathing it in. “And right now my body wants fried eggplant smothered in cheese.”

“Sure it does.”

Juniper passed out plates while Gina unpacked the food.

“Is that garlic bread?”

“And chicken piccata? Yum.”

“And I’m going to put these in the fridge for later,” Gina said, holding up a cardboard box tied with string. “I told Matteo that I was having dinner with you all, and he gave me these cannoli.”

“OMG, I love cannoli,” Sylvie declared, forgetting her inside voice. Someone needed to get her some garlic bread.

“I didn’t realize he made cannoli,” Juniper said, digging into the chicken. She did not share her sister’s commitment to a plant-based diet.

Gina paused and stared at me. “Matteo only makes cannoli once in a while. And it’s usually only for family. But he seemed very interested in making sure I brought them for you, Eliza.”

She walked over to the couch, where I was trying to act cool.

Gina stood and stared at me, not saying anything but raising one eyebrow. “Are you dating my cousin?”

I froze. I was not dating her cousin. I had made out with him, and he had touched my boobs, but we were technically not dating as he had not said one word to me since.

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“But you want to, right?” Juniper asked. “He’s a sexy older man.”

“Ooh yes,” Sylvie added. “He’s got a whole silver fox vibe happening.”

“He doesn’t have gray hair,” I protested.

“But he will at some point, and it will be soooo hot.” Juniper had a known obsession with older men. Her celebrity crush was Colin Firth.

I headed over to the counter and grabbed some food.

If my mouth was full, I couldn’t answer the barrage of questions I knew were coming.

Everything smelled divine, and I smiled as I stuffed a piece of garlic bread into my mouth.

Men who could cook were hot. Matteo had many sexy qualities, but watching him in the kitchen was especially a turn-on.

His movements were so precise and strong.

The way he handled his knives, chopping and mixing. Damn.

By the time I headed back to the living room, Meadow was telling everyone about her adventures in substitute teaching, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe I had played it cool enough and everyone had forgotten about Matteo.

Juniper refilled my wine glass. “So now you’re fed and watered, wanna tell us about your older man?”

I shot her a glare. “We’re just friends. I’ve been helping out with his daughter, babysitting and taking her to appointments. So we’ve gotten to know each other.”

“You are such a liar,” Sylvie quipped drunkenly.

Gina swirled her wine in her glass. She had that effortless “don’t give a fuck” coolness that I coveted. “You have no chill, Eliza. That’s why we play Candy Land and not poker.”

She was right about that. My poker face was nonexistent.

I sat up straight. “Okay. I might have a teeny, tiny crush on him.”

“Knew it,” Gina shouted. Meadow offered her a high five.

“In my defense, have you seen him? He is so handsome and a devoted dad.”

“Isn’t he kind of an asshole?” Juniper asked.

“I don’t think so. He’s just closed off. I’ve spent some time with him, and he’s funny and kind.”

“Oh shit,” Meadow said, pacing around. “It’s happening again, guys.”

They all groaned.

“It’s not like that,” I protested.

“You do this,” Meadow continued. “You fixate on a guy and ignore the red flags and then things go downhill.”

Juniper agreed. “Truth. Flags are important. Red flags, yellow flags, green flags.”

“What about a checkered flag?” Sylvie asked.

“Oh, that means he’s into freaky shit,” Meadow answered. “Some would call that green, others red—no judgment.” She shrugged.

“Guys, this is not a relationship; this is a crush. You know me. I have crushes all the time. I am a crusher. Rarely does it lead to anything.”

“That’s true—you mainly sleep with people you don’t like.”

“Hey, that’s harsh.”

“You slept with Ryan many times. But you haven’t liked him in a decade.”

“It’s much more complicated than that. Ryan is a bad habit that I slide into from time to time. He’s not a bad person; he’s just wrong for me. But I told you I’m done with that.”

“You know, the thought of being with a full grown man is pretty hot,” Meadow said.

Juniper raised a glass. “Guys in their twenties are such garbage.”

“Remember that guy I hooked up with at the summer music festival? Turns out he didn’t have a checking account,” Meadow said.

“Or Matt, the guy I met at the engineering convention? The one from Vermont?” Juniper added.

“Yes, he was so cute,” Sylvie squealed.

Juniper nodded. “Lives with his parents and has no plans to ever leave. His mom packs his lunch every day.”

“Wyatt isn’t like that,” Sylvie gushed.

“Wyatt is a sexy bearded unicorn that rode into town to save you from yourself. He’s not like the others,” Gina said, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

Sylvie threw a pillow at her.

“Just let me enjoy my crush, okay? It’s not a thing. He’s not interested in me, and I can’t get involved with someone who has a kid.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. If I’ve learned one thing about you in our twenty-year friendship it’s that you don’t shy away from challenges. You pivot, you adapt. It’s who you are.”

I was taken aback by her assessment of me. A compliment from Gina was something to be savored. “Thanks.”

“I mean it. You never let anyone or anything define you.”

“So you should explore this,” Sylvie added. Gina did not look convinced, but she didn’t object.

I looked around. I loved my friends. They truly wanted what was best for me and always had my back. My head was a mess over Matteo, and I needed their help.

I sighed and filled them in on what had happened last weekend.

“So he’s said nothing?” Juniper raged. “Red flag!”

“Calm down. It’s not a soccer game,” Meadow said. “This seems like an opportunity to communicate. He’s a grown-up. So treat him like one. Don’t dance around avoiding him. Show up, look him in the eye, and ask him. It sounds like you took plenty of initiative last weekend.”

“I am good at making the first move.”

“But…” Gina started. I held my breath. I knew she’d be upset about me making out with her cousin. “Is this a good idea? Starting something with him? He’s in his forties and a single dad. That’s serious.”

“Are you the serious type?” Juniper asked kindly.

I bristled. Just because my prior relationships hadn’t been serious did not mean I wasn’t capable or willing to go there with the right person.

“First, yes. I can get serious. But more importantly, why does everyone automatically assume we have to get serious because he’s a dad? Are single parents not allowed a few casual orgasms?”

Gina’s eyes narrowed.

“Why can’t I have a good time with him? I barely know the guy, and I have to plan a future and open a joint checking account?”

“That’s not what we’re saying,” Meadow interrupted.

“Here’s the thing. If anything, a single dad like Matteo is more likely to want casual.

He has a kid and a business. He’s been doing his thing for decades, so why would he add a serious relationship to the mix?

He doesn’t have the time or the mental energy.

If anything, single parents could use some fun. ”

“So this is a public service you are performing?” Gina said drolly.

“These cannoli are a public service. If you can hook us up on the regular then I am giving you my blessing,” Sylvie added.

Gina shook her head. “This is a bad idea.”

“Look around, Gina. There aren’t many other possibilities. And things are not going awesome for me right now. A sexy romp with an older man is just what I need. I’m twenty-nine, for fucks’ sake.”

“Who knows, maybe you will learn to adult from him.”

“I adult just fine, Meadow.” I stuck my tongue out at her.

I continued to pace around, annoyed with my friends but more annoyed with myself.

I needed to put on my big girl pants. I let Matteo off the hook.

That man’s tongue was in my bra last weekend.

And I couldn’t ask him what was going on?

I liked him, and I wanted to spend time with him.

It was time to grow up and go after what I wanted.