Page 95 of The Havenport Collection

Declan

T he minute Astrid left my house I regretted it, and days later, I was still disgusted with myself. How had I spoken to her like that? How could I have pushed her away?

And I wasn’t the only one. Ginger was confused and kept pacing around looking out the picture window toward Astrid’s cottage.

“It’s no use, Ginger,” I told her. “She moved out last weekend.” Emily had come by with her SUV and helped her get all her stuff.

We briefly made eye contact through the window, and Emily flipped me the bird. Guess I deserved it.

So she was gone. And everything sucked. But at least I knew she was back where she belonged.

As much as I knew she was hurt, I hoped that it would be temporary and she would be busy and back to kicking ass in no time.

I had even reached out a few times via text, as a friend, but she hadn’t responded.

She probably blocked my number. It was for the best. I bet she was doing great.

And me? I was not exactly killing it. I wanted to be at peace with my actions, but I wasn’t. Doubt crept in, inch by inch, until I was drowning in it. I regretted everything about what had happened and was currently wallowing in my loneliness.

To say I missed Astrid was an understatement.

I ached for her. I missed her presence, her conversation, her sense of humor.

Astrid’s beauty was just part of her appeal.

I fell for her attitude. She was self-assured and aloof, and it was clear she did not give a shit about what anyone thought about her.

She was cool and impassive, and I desperately wanted to know what she was thinking at all times.

She could sit silently and observe everything.

If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn she was a spy.

Nothing escaped her meticulous attention to detail.

I found myself replaying conversations we had, memories we shared, over and over again.

I was resigned to being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. I worked and lay on my couch drinking scotch, because it reminded me of Astrid. Rare, earthy, and an acquired taste. Fuck, I missed her.

Thankfully, everyone left me alone—except for my brothers, who insisted I show up in person to our Tuesday night meeting at the brewery. It was the last place I wanted to go, but I was committed to launching our business, and if I didn’t they would probably try to show up at my house.

I walked through the door, a few minutes early for our six p.m. meeting, hoping to keep a low profile. Unfortunately that was impossible for the Quinn brothers. “Cal, look who decided to show up?” Liam shouted over the taps.

Callum turned around and took one look at me and winced. I knew I was not my best, but he wasn’t exactly helping.

“Where’s Ginger?” Liam asked. “I bought her some cookies from that fancy dog bakery downtown.” Poor Liam had been trying to win Ginger over for years, and she wasn’t having it. No amount of fancy cookies would change that.

“She didn’t want to come,” I replied, taking a seat at the bar. “She hates me.”

“Dude, she’s a dog. She doesn’t hate you.”

I looked Cal dead in the eye. “She peed in my shoes last night. I went to put them on this morning and got a big surprise.”

“Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she had to go?” Liam offered.

“If you really think that then you don’t know my dog.” I knew Ginger. We had been through a lot together. And she was mad at me. I knew why. I was mad at myself. I deserved to have my shoes peed in.

“Fair enough.”

Liam slid a beer across the bar to me. “So are you going to tell us what happened?”

I took a big sip. Liam’s beer was annoyingly good. “Isn’t this a business meeting?” I growled. “Let’s work.”

Cal clapped me on the back. “I would love to work. But we’re not going to get anything done with you in your current state.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.”

They exchanged a look. “Declan, you are not fine. You look like shit.”

I rolled my eyes. My brothers loved to pick on my appearance. They were just jealous I was the tallest and had the best hair.

“No,” Cal said, jumping in. “You look worse than shit. You look like shit that died of dysentery.” Liam laughed and I glared at Callum.

“Wait, what? Don’t try to be funny, Fabio. We all know your job is to look pretty,” I growled.

I went back to staring at my beer. I wished it was whiskey, but it would do for now.

“Dec, we’re not talking business until you tell us what is going on. The whole town knows Astrid left and went back to Boston.”

“Yup.”

“And?”

“Did you have anything to do with that?”

“Yes.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“No.”

“Oh good. You’re chatty today,” Liam mused.

“Just tell us already so we can get on with our lives. We care about you. If you’re not okay, we’re here for you,” Callum said.

“Astrid left. She went back to Boston. Back to her law firm. Back to her old life.”

“And she dumped you?” Cal’s face was sympathetic. He really was such a good big brother.

“Not exactly.”

“Then what happened?”

“I sort of broke up with her?” I mumbled into my beer.

I stared at their shocked faces.

“I had to. It was the right thing to do,” I explained.

“I’m not following. You let a goddess who actually wanted to be with you walk away? Willingly? You deserve to be alone, dude.” Liam grabbed a rag and started wiping down the bar.

He wasn’t wrong. “Yup. I do. Can we stop talking about this now?”

They shook their heads.

My stupid brothers weren’t going to let me get away so easily.

“Guys. We come from different worlds.” She told me many times that she couldn’t be in a relationship and climb the ladder at her firm.

She was so talented and ambitious. I didn’t want to hold her back.

“I knew that she would get bored with me, and with Havenport, and resent me. I couldn’t live with that. I want good things for her.”

“So this was altruistic?” Callum’s face was skeptical.

I shrugged.

“Bullshit,” Liam muttered. “I call bullshit.”

“I already feel terrible enough. I’ve tried texting her a few times, just to show that I still want to be friends. And she hasn’t responded. I’m afraid to go anywhere in town. I half expect to wake up and find that Nora and Cece slashed my tires.”

“That is something they would do,” Liam said wistfully.

“I know.”

“So you don’t love her?”

“Of course I love her.”

“Are you sure? Because generally you don’t push people you love away.”

“I’m so fucked up that I do.” And wasn’t that the truth? I was a mess. “I love her. But I know I can’t keep her. She has to go out and do her thing, and I can’t hold her back. I’m not enough. This town is not enough for her.”

“How do you know that? Did she tell you that?”

“No. She didn’t have to. I knew it. We had an amazing couple of months together and that’s it. That’s all I get.” I drained my beer and wanted to be back on my couch, wallowing alone, with only Ginger to judge me.

Liam poured me a refill and paused for a minute. “You need to stop gushing about your feelings and do something,” he said.

There was nothing I could do. I knew that. “Astrid said feelings are sexy,” I muttered to myself, smiling at the memory.

“Yes,” Callum said. “To women. We are not women.”

“You should be talking to your woman about your feelings. Not us. If you told her how you feel you probably wouldn’t have screwed things up so badly,” Liam said.

“That’s kind of the point. In a relationship you talk about your feelings with each other.

Not random third parties.” He was so smug I would punch him if I had the energy.

“So you are the relationship specialist now?” I quipped.

He shrugged. “I’m engaged.”

I smirked. “It’s not legal yet. The poor girl might come to her senses eventually.” He threw a bar rag at me. I wished Ginger was here. She would have growled at him. Then I remembered that even my fucking dog hated me at the moment and sank further into my depression.

Cal clapped me on the shoulder. “You need to apologize, beg for forgiveness, and pray that she takes you back.”

“Yup,” Liam seconded. “Not only would that end this life crisis, but it would get you out of our hair, which would be excellent.”

“Why can’t you guys just let me wallow in peace?” I griped.

“Because we’re your brothers. And we don’t do that. Plus, this is supposed to be a business meeting. Not that we can conduct business with you looking…like that.” He gestured at me with his beer stein.

“I’ve been working a lot,” I snapped. “Paul and his wife had a baby. I gave him a few weeks off. So I’m Captaining his boat right now.”

“Wait, if you are out on the water all day, who’s doing all the other work?”

“I am, after hours. I just hit the office once we come back to port. I moved some meetings around and am basically handling everything at night.”

“That’s stupid. You can’t safely Captain and run a crew if you aren’t sleeping.”

“Or eating.”

“Or showering.”

“Dec, you gotta get it together. Remember when I pushed Cece away? I was a mess.”

I snorted. “That’s generous. You were a basket case.”

“Fine. But you two yelled at me until I got my head out of my ass and groveled. I got so lucky that she took me back. Trust me. I will never screw up that badly again.” He shuddered and I believed him.

Cece was amazing and had generously forgiven him after he acted like a total asshole.

The great thing about my brother was that he was smart enough not to make the same mistake twice.

“But there is nothing I can do. She has to go back to her career in Boston. It would have never worked out between us.”

“What did she say?”

“She didn’t say anything.”

“I’m not following.”

“I told her that she should go back to the firm and that we had to break up because I would only hold her back. That she should go forward and kick ass and do great things with her life.”

“So you told her what to do?” Cal looked exasperated.

“Dude…never tell a woman what to do. EVER,” Liam shouted.

“Are you crazy?” Cal said, running his hand through his hair. “You’re lucky she let you live.”

I just sat there and took it, knowing that they were right. I had overreacted and projected my issues all over Astrid. I didn’t even stop to listen to what she wanted.

“So, let me get this straight. You told the woman you’re in love with, who had been violently assaulted weeks before, that you were breaking up with her for her own good and gave her no say in the matter?”

I nodded. Hearing it out loud made me feel even shittier.

I held my hands up in surrender. “It’s for the best, guys.”

“How? Did you ask her what she thought? What she wanted? She told you she loved you. And you decided for her that she can’t be a lawyer and be in a relationship with you?” Callum was so logical and loved being right. I could tell he was enjoying rubbing salt all over my wounds.

“I take it back,” Liam said. “You can’t grovel, you can’t apologize. You’re not coming back from that.”

“Thanks a lot, asshole.”

“Stop,” Callum said. We both looked at him as he paced around the bar. “It’s not over. Declan screwed up, but he can fix it. We are Quinns. We don’t give up when things get hard.”

I tried to protest but he silenced me with a look.

“Our ancestors were starving to death and got on a boat in the hopes of a better life. We come from hearty stock, boys. We just have to put our heads together and figure something out.”

“She hasn’t returned any of my texts. I’ve tried to apologize. I’ve tried to reach out.”

“Let me see if I can get some intel out of Cece,” Liam said hopefully. “I can find out if she went back to her firm and if you have any shot at getting her back.”

“Good thinking,” Cal said, pointing at Liam. “I’ll ask around. There has got to be some info floating around. Emily is family—she will know something. And I see Derek at the gym all the time. We will figure this out.”

“But,” Callum continued, gesturing at me, “you need to get it together. And in the meantime, you need to make peace with Dad. You need to realize that you are good enough. You deserve good things. You should take over the business and you should get Astrid back. But sitting here being depressed isn’t going to accomplish anything. ”

He wasn’t wrong. But I didn’t want to give myself any false hope. I had a good life. I always believed that I had everything I needed. I couldn’t let my heart hope for more.

But was it enough, having my business, my home, and my dog?

It wasn’t a bad life, that was for sure.

But could I do better? Could I get out of my comfort zone and stretch myself?

Reach for a brighter, messier, future filled with love and fun and family?

I wanted to. But part of me wanted to just stay in my comfy rut and live here forever.