Page 279 of The Havenport Collection

Gio

I reclined the seat in Matteo’s SUV, shielding my eyes and trying to stop his six a.m. lecture. My twin had generously offered to drive me to the airport, and because it was impossible to keep any secrets from him, I was spilling my guts about Sam before we even pulled out of my driveway.

He glared at me, shaking his Dunkin cup in my direction. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

Matteo was intense, grumpy, and deeply loyal, so of course I told him about our kiss. I couldn’t help myself. He read my face when I jumped into the car with a goofy, nervous grin.

I sipped my coffee, letting him get his initial freak-out over with. It wasn’t as good as High Tide, but we had to make do with a drive-through at this hour.

“What are you thinking?” he asked again, jarring me out of my thoughts.

I ran my hands through my hair. “Honestly? I haven’t been thinking. Kissing Sam, finally, after all these years, getting to touch her…it scrambled my brains. This could be the world’s worst idea, and I don’t actually care.”

“It’s absolutely the worst idea and you should care; it’s your heart that is going to get stomped on.”

I shrugged, looking out the window. My brain knew it—knew that getting involved in any way would be emotional suicide. But after last night, there was no going back. Hearing her say she was attracted to me? Hearing her admit to the connection between us? This was a new world.

“This will break you, Gio. You can’t sleep with her.

I know you like to pretend you’re mister happy-go-lucky man-whore, but you do not have a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement with the woman you’ve been in love with since grade school.

It defeats the purpose. FWB is when you don’t have feelings.

Not when you have the biggest, messiest, most complex possible feelings of all. ”

He was right, of course. My feelings were enormous…so enormous I had little room left for rational thought. And complicated, because I wanted Sam, but I knew I could never keep her.

“This isn’t friend with benefits. It’s not even anything yet. We are exploring the chemistry between us and having some fun before her treatment. I can’t say no to her. I never could, and especially not now.”

“I know, and there are lots of good ways to be a friend and support her that do not involve sticking your dick in her.”

“Don’t be crude,” I snapped.

“Dude, I love you. But I also know you. She will leave again; she will recover from her cancer and go back to her life. And it’ll break you.

When whatever this is ends, you might not recover.

And I can’t watch that. You have a great life here.

You have everything you could ever want.

And if you want a woman, you have never even had to try that hard. ”

“It’s not like that. Sam is not just some woman. Our relationship is so complex and layered. And I’m not doing friends with benefits. I told you that. I want something more with her.”

“I get it, we’re forty-one now, and you want companionship and compatibility and stability. I want that for you too. But she will never give you those things. You can find more with someone else—someone you can take time getting to know and let the feelings build up over time.”

I turn toward him, taking in his messy beard, man bun, and flannel shirt. Matteo was the family bad boy who transformed into an overprotective, risk-averse planner when he became a single dad. I loved him, but he was too cautious for his own good.

I held up my hand. “We are old. Shit, I take baby aspirin for my heart now, for Christ’s sake.

And don’t you think there is something special about just taking a leap?

My life has been routine and settled for a long time.

I own my home, I have good routine. I travel and work and spend time with my family.

I build things and babysit Valentina and go to dinner at the family restaurant. ”

Matteo nodded, clearly understanding the monotony of middle age.

“And yes, logically, jumping headfirst into a messy, unclear, physical and emotional arrangement with my childhood best friend is a terrible idea.”

“Yes it is.”

“But,”—I raised my eyebrows—“it’s not boring.

And I’ve been waiting for this chance for decades.

She has always been the one, you know? The one I compare every woman I meet to.

And if I can have her, even for a few weeks or months, I’ll take it.

I’ll take a few amazing weeks with Sam over every other lukewarm relationship I’ve ever had.

Because I’ll tell you right now, the feelings I have for this woman—they are huge. ”

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to keep talking until this all made sense.

“We both know forever doesn’t exist.” Matteo raised an eyebrow at me.

“I mean, I hope it does for you and Eliza. You know that. But we both watched our parents’ marriage implode. We know that the odds are never great.”

Matteo nodded. We had learned at a very young age that happily ever after doesn’t always last, and both bore the scars from our parents’ disastrous marriage.

“And so I get it. My feet are firmly on the ground. Yes, Sam will leave. And that’s probably a good thing, because if she didn’t I’d be dumb enough to try for forever. So a fling with an expiration date is probably the healthiest option.”

“Stop deluding yourself. None of this is healthy.”

I rolled my eyes. My brother found a wonderful girlfriend who didn’t tolerate his bullshit, and now he thought he was emotionally evolved? “You’ve been to what, three therapy sessions and now you are an authority on healthy relationships?”

“Fuck off. I’m just looking out for you. What happens when she changes her mind? Or she backs out? She is going through some scary shit right now.”

He was right; of course he was. But this was Sam.

I would follow her lead. We had only kissed.

And I knew she was going through a lot. She might change her mind tomorrow and I’d be fine with that too.

There was too much history between us to ignore this.

And I knew she was terrified, even if she wouldn’t admit it.

If I could distract her for a few weeks and make this whole ordeal easier for her, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would give her whatever she wanted.

“I’ll do anything she wants. I will be her friend. I’ll be more. Or I’ll leave her alone when she needs me to. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

“Anyone with eyes can see that. But what happens after? You give and give, Gio, and then what does that leave you with?”

“The knowledge that I tried, Matteo. That I took the leap and, at the very least, was there for my friend. I haven’t been a kid in decades.

I’ve dated, I’ve had relationships, and no woman has ever meant as much to me as she does.

I’m not young and naive anymore. I know the consequences and I know the risks and I know this is not a forever thing. ”

“Just be careful. Guard your heart. I know she’s into you—we’ve all suspected it for years. But Sam is not like you and me. And while this cancer is horrific, she’s going to beat the shit out of it and then go back to living her Sam life.”

I stared out the window. That was exactly what was going to happen. I knew in my bones that Sam would beat this cancer and emerge more powerful, beautiful, and amazing than ever. That was a certainty.

But I also knew that I would be changed by this experience too. I would be given the chance to love someone completely, after decades of only being able to partially love them. And that scared the hell out of me.

I had always held something back, my entire life.

I was too afraid to show my true self, especially to a woman.

Matteo, and of course Valentina, knew the depth of my loyalty and devotion.

But for some reason I had never fully let myself go with another person.

And while that had served me well so far, I knew that with Sam I would be all-in from day one.