Page 225 of The Havenport Collection

Nora

“ W hat am I doing here?” I was tired and frustrated and wanted to get my ass back on Cece’s couch. I had been hiding out at her and Liam’s apartment for a few days. I couldn’t run the risk of bumping into Luke—not until I was ready.

And I was far from ready. Luke, to his credit, seemed to realize how badly he had fucked up and had been calling and texting nonstop, begging for a chance to talk and apologize. Flowers had been showing up to the store every day, and I suspected he had been checking in with my friends too.

I knew he was sorry. I truly did. Something had gotten into Luke and spooked him, and combined with alcohol things went sideways.

I knew he was a good man—one argument wouldn’t erase all I had learned about him.

His devotion to his mother, his commitment to this community and survivors of domestic violence, his kindness and humor and generosity—just thinking about him made my heart clench.

But it wasn’t so easy. I couldn’t just go forgive him. This was a crossroads. I had to make some decisions about my future and what I wanted.

The day after I arrived back home, Sarai called and told me that X-Chrome wanted to invest in Jeanious Bar.

I was interviewing tech consultants next week to outline and plan out the web platform and flying back to New York next month to meet with the board and walk through the first phase of implementation.

It was everything I had ever wanted. Investors who believed in me and believed in my business and were willing to let me do things my way.

They had the kind of connections that could make my dream a reality.

I was thrilled. And I had a mountain of work ahead of me and needed to be totally focused and believe in myself. This was not a time for self-doubt.

I walked around the barn on Violet’s property. It was beautiful and all, but why was I here? Violet had a raging fire going in the enormous firepit on the patio, and everyone was gathered around, warming their hands.

“Are you gals going to tell me why you kidnapped me?” I asked, annoyed.

Astrid smiled. “This is an intervention.”

“Yes,” Emily added. “And there is so much space so you can yell and scream as much as you want.”

I rolled my eyes. “Guys. There is nothing to scream about. Can I go back to bed now?”

I looked around at my friends assembled in the barn. They were all wearing winter boots and coats and sporting serious expressions.

“No,” Cece said. “We’re here to kick your ass.”

“My ass doesn’t need kicking, and I’m fine. Just busy.”

Violet shook her head. “Nope. Save it, Rossi.”

“You’ve done it for us and we’re doing it for you,” Astrid added, wrapping her oversized scarf around her neck. “We never leave a coven member behind.”

“Truth,” Maggie said, offering her a fist bump.

“You’re spiraling and you’re hurting and you’re trying to do it all alone. And that’s not what we’re about.”

“When things imploded with Liam, you were the first person to have my back,” Cece said.

“Remember when you all ambushed me at my apartment in Boston?” Astrid asked.

“What about the time you all teamed up to help me with my business plans for the farm?” Violet asked.

They all nodded. “We love you, Nora. And we are so proud of your success, but you are in pain.”

“And you’ve never let any of us suffer alone.”

I nodded. “Okay, okay. I get it. I’m an amazing friend. You’re welcome.” I paused and looked at their serious faces. “But I’m fine. My business is about to explode, so I’m a bit overwhelmed, that’s all.”

“Nope.”

“Not buying it.”

“Bullshit.”

“If that’s the case,” Cece said, “then why are you sleeping on my couch, afraid to go back to your house?”

I shrugged, not wanting to open this particularly painful can of worms.

“So we’re here,” Emily added. “Ready to help you heal. Just scream. Let it all out. We’re here for you.”

“What?”

“Scream,” Violet said. “It’s very cathartic.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why the fuck not?” Astrid asked. “I love screaming.”

“Because there are people around.”

“My kids are watching a movie with Cal with headphones, so they won’t be scared,” Violet said. “There is no one else around. I mean you might spook Rose’s horses, but they’ll be fine.”

Cece touched my arm. “Just let it out.”

I stared into the flames and looked up at the brilliant full moon. And then I opened my mouth and screamed. It was loud and shrill and felt surprisingly amazing.

I stood for a moment, letting the feelings wash over me. I was sad. And angry. And confused. I let out a mighty scream, giving it everything I had.

Suddenly, I heard a strangled crowing noise. “What is that?”

Violet waved her hand. “Just Mr. Pickles. After Cal hit him with his car, he’s stopped giving a shit, and crows whenever he feels like it. Good job waking him up!”

I laughed. I had disturbed the rooster. Great job, Nora.

“Keep going,” Maggie encouraged.

“Fuck everything!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Fuck Luke Kim for making me fall in love with him. Fuck my mother for treating me like shit and destroying my confidence.”

“Yes.” Astrid pumped a fist. “Get it, girl.”

“And fuck everyone who hasn’t taken me seriously. Who treated me as less than because I’m a woman.”

Cece put an arm around me and kissed the side of my head. “I’m proud of you,” she said, beaming at me.

I felt surprisingly good. Who knew screaming into the void could actually accomplish something? While Cece hugged me, Violet busied herself pouring hot chocolate into cups.

I held my hand out. “This smells amazing.”

“Wait,” Emily said before I could take a sip. She held out a bottle of peppermint schnapps and poured liberally into my steaming cup. “There, that’s better.”

After everyone was served and standing around the fire, they all stared at me expectantly. “Talk,” Astrid barked, a hot cocoa mustache on her perfectly symmetrical face.

I rolled my eyes and started at the beginning. The fire at my house, what Luke did, how we grew closer, and then the fight that we had. At some point the tears started to flow.

“So he’s tried to apologize?” Maggie asked gently.

I nodded. “But it’s not about him. It’s about me. I’m feeling trapped and scared, and it might just be easier to let him go.”

“How would that be easier?” Emily snapped.

I sat up straight. “I have been fighting since childhood to be taken seriously—to do things my own way. And I’m not stopping.

I’ve finally gotten to a place in my life where I call the shots.

And trust me, it’s not pretty and I’m making plenty of mistakes.

But it’s mine.” I took a sip of fortifying cocoa and continued, “And I just don’t know if I can give that up for a guy. ”

“What makes you think you’re giving something up?” Violet asked.

I shrugged.

“Do you love your life?”

“Most days, yes.”

“Do you love your life with Luke in it?”

“I did. For a short time.”

“What if by getting serious with Luke you’re not giving something up but gaining something? An ally, a partner, someone who will champion the fuck out of you when you need him to?”

“Yes,” Violet added. “What if he liberates you instead of oppresses you?”

“Do you think Declan oppresses me?”

“Not at all.”

“Correct. He knows better.” We all laughed. Declan was a surly bear of a man, but his devotion to Astrid was never in question. “But he makes my life richer, better, and more meaningful.”

I smiled at my friend. “I am so happy for you guys. But you need to understand. This has happened so many times to me. Guys are into me initially and then get to know me and want a watered-down version of Nora, not the real thing.” There.

I said it. My deepest darkest fear. That I was too much and eventually Luke would realize that, if he hadn’t already.

“I think he wants 100 proof Nora—nothing watered-down for him,” Emily said, raising her cup of spiked cocoa.

“You don’t know that.”

She shrugged. “I don’t. But you could ask.”

“Have a conversation with him. Explain your concerns, talk it through. That’s what partnership is—facing problems together,” Maggie said.

“Also,” Cece said, pulling me closer, “this is about you, Nora. It’s not about Luke. He owes you an apology, and you should absolutely make him grovel for a bit, but you need to fix yourself.”

“Wow. Thanks,” I said sarcastically.

“I’m not picking a fight with you, Nora. I’m on your team.”

I huffed. She had a point.

“Best friends don’t blow smoke up each other’s asses. We love you and support you, but it's our job to call out your self-sabotaging bullshit.”

“A-woman,” Violet trilled.

They all raised their cups toward me.

I wiped my eyes. “God, you guys are such amazing friends, and I fucking hate you right now. Can’t you just be self-absorbed bitches who don’t really care about me?”

“Nope. You’re stuck with us.”

After several hugs, more tears, and some refills of spiked cocoa, Violet announced, “Okay, is it time for the ritual?”

Everyone nodded. Astrid grabbed a cardboard box from one of the picnic tables and brought it over.

She started to place candles around the edge of the fire pit, and Violet walked behind her, lighting each one.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We’re doing a ritual,” Emily answered.

I shook my head. “What?”

“You’ve been calling us a coven forever…seemed like a good time to dip our toes in the Wiccan water,” Astrid replied, smiling. “We’re doing a full moon burning ritual.”

“Don’t worry,” Violet assured me. “I connected with some women at a yoga class who practice Wicca, and they sent me some materials and gave me some pointers. Obviously we do not want to co-opt their practices disrespectfully.” I nodded, confused and intrigued.

She handed out pieces of paper and pens. “Okay, ladies. Ground yourself, take a deep breath, and write down the things you want to release on your paper—negative thoughts, bad feelings, whatever you want. Let’s get rid of the things that no longer serve us.”

We all stood for a few minutes, writing with our winter mittens on, as the fire crackled. I had a lot of emotional baggage I would happily unload, but I was drawing a blank. I watched as my friends scribbled, clearly having had time to think about this.

After a few minutes, everyone looked up.

“So the Native Americans who inhabited this land before us called the March full moon the ‘sugar moon,’ because maple syrup starts to flow in March. It is when winter begins to recede and the first hope of spring arrives. For this reason, this moon signifies rebirth and renewal,” Violet explained.

I gazed up at the moon. It was enormous and lit up the sky beautifully. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the cold air tickle my lungs.

“So now, we join hands and say the invocation and throw our papers into the fire.”

“Repeat after me, ‘Dear Universe, I no longer need the lessons that these feelings teach me. I vow to learn these lessons in a different way that opens my heart.’”

We repeated the phrase and then one by one everyone threw their papers into the fire.

“I release my self-doubt,” Emily said, “and my shame about being a bad mom. I am doing my best.”

Astrid was next. “I release my guilt about my career. I’ve made the right choices for me. I release the weight of other people’s expectations and welcome my own happiness.”

Violet stepped forward. She was such a tiny little person, and her fiery-red hair danced in the light of the flames. “I release my insecurity. I am a good mother and a smart businesswoman. And I am a supportive and loving partner to Callum.”

“Mags, you’re next,” Violet said.

Maggie adjusted her purple knit hat and sheepishly walked toward the fire. “I deserve to be happy,” she yelled. “I release all my guilt. I forgive myself. The past doesn’t control my future.” Then she let out an almighty roar that I would never have expected from the prim and proper Maggie.

I smiled. I loved these women so much.

“You’re up, Nora,” Violet said, clearly taking her ritual duties seriously.

I stepped forward and dropped my paper into the fire. “I release the shame I feel about my body. I release the shame I feel about being too ambitious, too loud, too honest. I am allowed to take up space in this world.”

I nodded to Cece, who was the last to go.

“I release my fear,” Cece said softly. “I release the fear that I won’t be a good mother to this baby”—she cradled her flat stomach—“and my anxieties about this big change in my life.”

“What?” Emily screamed, running over to Cece. “You’re pregnant?”

Cece nodded as she was crushed into a group hug. Everyone was cheering and hugging, and it was so beautiful.

“Okay, ladies,” Violet said. “Join hands.”

We grabbed hands around the fire, leaning close to keep warm.

“I love you guys,” she said. “And that was awesome. I can feel the righteous feminine energy flowing through us.”

“Woo hoo,” Astrid yelled. “This feels so good. We are women. We are fucking invincible,” she shouted.

“Sisterhood,” Emily screamed.

“Family.”

“Fuck self-doubt,” Cece chimed in.

“Fuck bullshit societal expectations,” I yelled. Astrid was right, this felt amazing.

“Fuck the patriarchy,” Maggie screamed.

“Yes.” I high-fived her, and we all started screaming at the top of our lungs. Howling at the moon like a pack of goddess wolves.

I had a lot to work on. I was a deeply flawed person, and I had a lot of growing left to do. But I had the best group of women holding my hands and leading me toward a better version of myself. And in that moment, I knew I was the luckiest bitch in the world.