Page 44 of The Havenport Collection

Cecelia

T hat bastard. Who did he think he was?

I thrashed around my room, packing up clothes, books, and camera equipment. Where was I going? I had no idea. But I was overcome with the urge to run away. To leave Havenport and put this entire mess behind me.

Everything hurt. I had done the one thing I promised I would never do. I opened up my heart. I exposed myself, and I got what I deserved. I had spent thirty-one years protecting my heart, and the one time, the one time, I let my guard down, Liam Assface Quinn stomped all over it.

I was so busy raging around I didn’t even notice my mother standing in the doorway.

“Sweetie, I don’t want to push you.”

“I know you don’t.”

“But I do need to know you are okay. And if you’re not, that’s fine too. But we are going to get you better, I swear.”

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You haven’t been fine for a long time.

It’s my fault. You were always my easy kid.

You go along to get along and never cause a fuss.

Your sister scared the shit out of me with her compulsive perfectionism and her surprise pregnancy.

I never had to worry about you. But looking back, I should have paid more attention. I am so truly sorry.”

“No, Mom. Please don’t say that.”

She tried to blink back tears. “Sometimes I worry I failed you kids.”

“That’s not how I remember it. Not at all. I remember you being totally involved and positive and upbeat. You kept us moving, kept us busy. You sat and did physics with me every night junior year when I almost failed. You showed up to every game, concert, and play even though you were hurting.”

“I could have done more. I could have been stronger.”

“No, Mom. You did the right thing. You showed us how to be vulnerable and showed us how to push through pain and grow from it. You are a real human being and I am so grateful for that.”

We sat on my bed, and she stroked my hair. I loved my mom. Even though my heart was broken, I loved having her here. I loved knowing she had my back no matter what.

After a few minutes of sniffly silence she looked down at me.

“Cecelia, I love you completely no matter what. If you want to go back to New York, I support you and will be proud of you. If you want to go to the moon…same. I want what’s best for you.

And I want you to be confident enough in yourself to figure that out. ”

“Thanks. I’m trying do that.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

“There is nothing you could do to disappoint me. If Liam is not the right guy for you then that’s fine. If this new job is not right for you, that’s fine too.”

I nodded as the tears started to flow again.

“But I don’t want you to walk away from something or someone wonderful because you are scared.

If you do, then I really did fail you. Because I did not empower you to trust yourself and your choices.

I didn’t create a safe place for you to take risks, fail, and get back up and try again.

And that breaks my heart more than you moving away ever could. ”

I couldn’t hold back now. I sobbed and sobbed. Curled around my pillow on my bed, I just let it all out.

“Mom, how did you get so wise?”

She kept rubbing my back. “Pain, baby. Lots and lots of pain. Hey, I have an idea. Let’s go bake some cookies. It always helped you feel better when you were little.”

I nodded, happy for any distraction.

My mom was a master of misdirection. No sooner had I preheated the oven and creamed the butter and sugar than she restarted her interrogation.

“So do you want to leave Havenport? Is it too small for you?”

“No. I love it here. I love it more than I ever thought I would. It’s smaller than New York, obviously, but there is a lot going on here. It’s vibrant and busy.”

She smiled at me while rummaging around for the vanilla extract.

“I love you and Maggie and Nora and the entire community.”

“And you love Liam.” God, she was sneaky.

“Of course I love him, Mom. But love isn’t enough right now.”

She slammed her hand on the butcher block countertop. “What a preposterous thing to say! If love isn’t enough, then what is?”

I was kicking myself for saying that. “I don’t know, Mom. A plan? Security?”

My mother threw her hands up.

“Mom, you don’t get it. He dismissed me and the work I’ve done. He just brushed me off and didn’t listen. That hurt more. Having him not respect my intellect and my hard work? That’s where I draw the line.”

She nodded sagely. “I hear you, Cecelia. And I am with you. But he was surprised and overreacted.”

She wasn't wrong. But I was not exactly in an understanding mood. “Yes, I may have pulled away, and I should have told him about the interview sooner, but he still hurt me deeply.” And it wasn’t just the hurt, it was the realization that I was no closer to figuring out my future.

Earlier this year, my life was great on paper, but not so great in reality.

When I lost my job, boyfriend, and apartment this summer, I thought my life fell apart.

But I am beginning to realize it was just starting to come together.

I came to Havenport to get myself back on track.

Get focused, get organized, and finally manage to get it together.

But the irony was that coming back here made things messier. I had no interest in the career that I had carefully cultivated over the last decade. I fell in lust and then in love with someone who did not love me back. And now I was back where I started, but with a broken heart.

He didn’t ask me to stay. He didn’t even ask me to consider it.

I wasn’t expecting him to ask me to move in or even to keep working at the brewery, but I thought he would want to be with me.

I was willing to do anything to make that happen.

I had developed real feelings for him. I’d fallen for him and it scared the shit out of me, but I couldn’t deny it.

I had spent so many years lying to myself, I had to face the truth. He didn’t love me like I loved him.

“I know you are hurting, sweetie. But he might be hurting too. Did you consider that?”

“Of course, Mom. But he got so mad about my interview, and I can’t understand it. I took the interview so I could build a life here, a life where I could be with him. I did this for him. I wanted to get settled into my career so that he and I could have a shot long-term.”

“Are you sure about that?” Damn my mom and her stupid perceptiveness. “Are you sure you aren’t just scared and grasping for security?”

“Of course I’m scared. But right now I have to get my life together. I have to figure out my career and my next steps. This interview is important, and I have to focus on that. I can’t be distracted by Liam right now.”

“So you’re not going to return any of his calls?”

“How do you know he’s called me?”

“Because you have your phone on vibrate, and I can hear it buzzing constantly. I know it can’t all be Nora. Give him a chance, Cecelia.”

I shook my head. I would not be returning any of his calls or texts today. I had to work things out for myself first.