Page 45 of The Havenport Collection

Cecelia

M y suit was scratchy, and my heels were pinching my feet.

I hated this. I hated pantyhose. They were the work of the devil.

I swear to God, pantyhose are an invention of the patriarchy intended to oppress women.

Yes. I am so smart. This is a great idea.

I should write a book about this. The feminist war against pantyhose .

I got out my phone and started typing in my notes app so I would not forget this brilliant idea.

“Can I get you another?”

“Yes, Fran, you can. Please and thank you.”

Fran busied herself behind the bar, clearly stalling on pouring my next drink.

“I appreciate you, Fran. You are a feminist and a badass. And you make good drinks.” I love Fran.

I love this bar. I wish Christian and Dante could make over my life.

It would be like Havenport Queer Eye. They could probably fix my crazy hair and find me a job.

And then they would talk to me about my deep-seated problems while gently building up my self-esteem.

Ooh. I need to pitch this to them. I’ll put it in my notes app too.

Just as I was congratulating myself on my creative brilliance, I felt a cold burst of air as the door opened. Nora swept in looking enraged and wearing a bright purple wool coat and matching purple knee-high boots.

“Here you are! I have been looking all over for you.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you. Maggie is worried, your mom is worried. What happened today?” She sat on the barstool and shrugged off her coat. “Did the interview go badly?”

Fran finally returned with my refill. “No, it went well.” I took a huge gulp and it burned so good.

Nora and Fran exchanged looks. Weirdos. “Ok…so if it went well, why are you sitting here drinking whiskey alone in the middle of the afternoon in a powersuit?”

I turned on my barstool to face Nora and accidentally splashed some whiskey on my skirt. “Because I hate everything and I just want whiskey. I like the way it burns my esophagus on the way down like it’s mad that I actually drank it. Makes the rest of me hurt less.”

“Oh, Jesus.” Nora put her purse down and rolled up her sleeves. “Fran, can you get my dumbass friend a water, please?”

“Sure thing, Nora.” It was curious, Fran moved a lot faster to get what Nora asked for. I was beginning to feel outnumbered here.

“Cece. You are acting insane. What happened?”

“They offered me the job, on the spot.”

“Okay…”

“And I don’t want it,” I spat out. Just talking about this was making me mad again.

“Okay. Well, there are other jobs.”

“I mean, I do want it.” I hiccupped loudly and took another gulp of my whiskey. For the expensive stuff, it really tasted like burnt ass.

Nora gently took the glass out of my hand and slid it across the bar to Fran. “Okay. I’m not following.”

I decided not to yell at her for taking my drink. “It’s a good job. More pay and better benefits than my last gig and a chance to lead my own team.”

I took a gulp of the water she handed me. This isn’t whiskey but it also isn’t setting my GI tract on fire, so that’s a plus. “But I don’t want that life anymore. I walked into the fancy Cambridge high-rise and had a panic attack. I hate fancy office buildings with TVs in the elevators.”

I had hated every minute I was in that building.

“Everyone was dressed up and walking and talking and clicking away on state-of-the-art laptops. There was constant talk of “saving lives” and “putting patients first.” The same generic corporate speak I’d been throwing around for years.

I despised it and wanted no part of that world.

“I hate the idea of having six bosses again and trying to get anything done in another soul-crushing bureaucracy.”

“Sounds like a nightmare.” She nodded sagely.

“You get it!” I screamed, sloshing my water over the rim of my glass.

“So are you here drinking and feeling sorry for yourself about the job? Or about Liam?”

“Stupid Liam and his stupid handsome face. I hate him.”

“Sure you do.” Nora patted my head like a child, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

“He is a controlling jerk who can’t admit he needs help. That he needs me. He acted like I did nothing, like I added no value.”

“Are you sure? Cece, everyone knows what an incredible job you did at the brewery.”

“Right!” I kicked the underside of the bar with my uncomfortable shoe and Fran shot me a dirty look.

“Sorry, Fran.” I smiled at her weakly. “He’s just a big dick control freak who couldn’t handle all of my awesomeness.

He was scared of my professional brilliance and what an amazing casual dating kind of girlfriend I am. ”

“Okay. I can’t unpack that right now. So what you are saying is he was a dick to you and you’re mad?”

“Not just a dick, Nora. A big dick. A big dick who happens to also have a big dick. Ugh. There is nothing worse than a big dick with a big dick. Amirite?”

Nora laughed. “We should put that on a bumper sticker.”

“Oooh, good plan. I’m going to put that in my notes app.”

“So what do you want, Cece?”

I was afraid to tell Nora what I really wanted.

I want Liam. And I want the brewery. And I want to be with him and work together and build something of my own.

Something I can be proud of. I want to help other small businesses market themselves and grow.

I want to have Monday breakfast with you at the diner and watch my niece and nephew grow up.

I want to spend more time with my mom because she is amazing and I’ve been too self-absorbed to realize it.

I want to be happy and loved and challenged every day of my life.

“I want Liam. And I want to stay in Havenport. And I want to be challenged and have fun and see the people I love every day. But I don’t want to want those things.

Well, not all of those things, but I don’t want to want some of those things so I am confused and mad.

” I took a deep breath and slumped on the bar. “That speech took a lot out of me.”

Nora patted my hand. “I’m sure it did, sweetie. You can have all of those things.”

“No, I can’t. Liam pushed me away. He doesn’t want help. He doesn’t want a partner.” He rejected me. Not just me as a girlfriend but me as a professional, and that really hurt.

“I think you may be overthinking this. It was one fight.” I hated when Nora was the rational one in this relationship.

“But there’s more to it. I don’t know if I can love him.”

“You already do.”

I was shocked. “You don’t know that!”

Nora looked at me like I was a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. “Um…news flash, Cece. Everyone knows that you’re in love with him. You are being a dumbass.”

I stared at her. She was totally wrong.

“Back me up, Fran.”

“Yup,” Fran deadpanned, “you are a huge dumbass.”

“Just admit you love him.”

“I can’t, Nora. It’s not that easy. Imagine how much worse it will be if I love him for years or decades?

I don’t think my heart can handle that. You of all people should know that, Nora.

” I gestured to her. Nora was as anti-monogamy as you could get.

She was the queen of hit it and quit it.

She did not let anyone hurt her. She had to understand what I was going through.

But instead of agreeing with me, she just looked pissed.

“Stop it. You know I believe in love. My Nonna and Puppa loved each other for life. It’s been eight years, and Nonna still wears black to mourn him.

My parents love each other and made a big, messy, amazing life with six kids and two restaurants.

I am not anti-love for anyone. I just haven’t met the right guy yet.

” She stared me down and I shrank in my seat a bit.

“And the difference is you have. And if you let him get away, you are a dumbass.”

Fuck. Nora is right. I am a dumbass. And apparently the entire town knows this and I have been blissfully unaware of my dumbassery. This day keeps getting better and better.

“So what do I do?” I needed to get my shit together and I had no idea how.

“Well first, let’s get you home and sober. And then after a long shower and a good meal we can formulate a plan. I am taking you to the diner. I’m going to stuff your face with grilled cheese until you see sense.”

I checked my watch. “The diner isn’t open. They closed at three.”

Nora patted my cheek. “Yes, darling. But Jackie and Joe owe me several favors. I’m texting them now.”

After I paid my tab and thanked Fran, Nora dragged me up the street to the diner. The door was locked, but Jackie came over and opened it for us.

“You weren’t lying,” Jackie said to Nora, “she looks like shit.”

“I would never lie to you, Jackie. You have known me since birth. We need to get this girl some grub and then yell at her until she sees sense.”

Jackie smiled. “Well then, you came to the right place.” She turned around and started yelling toward the kitchen. “Joe. Turn the grill back on. We got orders.”

After three grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato and bacon—and a pot of coffee—I was feeling more like myself. Nora licked her fingers. “These are so fucking good.”

“I know. Reminds me of when we were kids.” When Nora and I were in middle school we would save our allowance money and then come to the diner after school.

We would sit at the counter and eat grilled cheese and French fries and drink Diet Cokes while reading all the high-end fashion magazines from the newsstand.

It felt so good to be back here with her, eating grilled cheese and talking about boys.

I reached out and grabbed her hand across the table. “Thank you for being my best friend.”

“You’re welcome.”

“No, I mean it. Thank you for making me get it together. Thank you for not letting me wallow in self-pity. You are an incredible friend.”

“Oh, I know I am. And you’re welcome. So now we need to figure out what you are going to do about Liam.”

Jackie came over and sat in our booth with a cup of coffee, and I told them all about our fight and the things we had said. I told them about how I had been pulling back because I had been so afraid of my feelings. They listened and nodded, encouraging me to keep going.

“So you guys are right. I am going to talk to him and be honest. Tell him how I feel. If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least I tried.

” I was feeling really good about this plan.

“And I want to stay here. I don’t want to go back to New York.

I don’t want to live in Boston. I want to be here in Havenport. ”

“Good. It’s about time you got your head out of your ass.” Jackie saluted me with her coffee mug.

“Thanks, Jackie.”

“It’s worth it, you know?” She looked at Nora and me. “Take risks. Because getting to spend your life with your soulmate is wonderful. I would know.” She looked wistfully at the counter where Joe was reading the newspaper.

Nora and I looked at each other and smiled.

Jackie narrowed her eyes at us. “Now don’t ever tell anyone I said that, okay? No one. If you repeat one word of that you will never get an after-hours grilled cheese again. Understood?”