Page 168 of The Havenport Collection

Josh

I missed Maggie. The time we had spent together at the cabin had been a brief taste of what we could have, and I wanted more. I needed more.

I needed to fall asleep with her in my arms every night. Needed her head on my chest while she told me about her day. To sit with her at Jack’s soccer games and Ava’s violin concerts.

“I didn’t think you were coming,” my dad said from the doorway of his condo. He was wearing his usual khakis and a perfectly pressed polo shirt. His arms were crossed, and his mouth was turned down in a frown.

“Sorry, Dad,” I said, showing him the takeout bag in my hand.

“Eggplant parm?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, you’re forgiven. Get inside.”

It was our Wednesday night tradition. I brought takeout, and we’d play chess and talk for hours.

My dad loved Italian, so I would stop by Nonna’s Kitchen if I had time and grab all our favorites.

It had started in college and had continued until recently.

I owed my parents everything, and my dad meant so much to me.

I realized then, grabbing plates and napkins, that I’d never actually told him that.

“I’m glad we’re doing this again, Dad.”

“Me too. It’s been good to see you more these past few months.”

I ran my hands through my hair and let out a frustrated sigh.

My dad opened the takeout containers and gestured for me to sit at his small kitchen table. “Come now, things can’t be that bad,” he said, handing me the penne pasta.

“They’re not. I just…I’m just tired. I did everything I could, and it wasn’t good enough.”

He put his fork down and gave me a look. It was his you’re an idiot look. “You don’t know that. Give the woman some time. You’ve only been in therapy for a few months.”

I shrugged, taking a huge bite of lasagna. It was so hot, the molten cheese burned the roof of my mouth, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have many options right now, so eating my feelings would have to do.

“You’ve always been like this, Josh. Throwing yourself into everything with both feet. You don’t look before you leap. It’s wonderful and admirable. But not everyone moves at your speed. Especially your wife. Give her some time. Be patient and let things happen.”

“I’ve given her a lot of time. I’ve gone out of my way to show her how much I’ve changed.”

“I know you have. But you have to let her come around and adjust to these changes. You can’t muscle through this. I know it’s your way, but you have to give it time.”

“But you’ve always pushed me to be my best. To give 110 percent every day.”

“I have.” He nodded, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “And I’m so proud of you, son. But this isn’t a biology test. You have lots of things competing for your time and attention, and being so singularly focused isn’t helping anyone.”

I pushed my food around my plate, unable to meet his eye.

He was right, of course. Obsessing about my marriage was no different from obsessing about work.

My time in therapy had taught me to seek balance.

To prioritize how I spent my time and to find my emotional capital.

Falling into an obsessive thought spiral because Maggie hadn’t called me yet wouldn’t help either one of us.

“Why don’t you tell me about the job front? Anything new?”

“Not really. Dr. Collins called me—when I was in the car with Maggie, actually—about another corporate opportunity. This time in Boston.”

“Is that what you want? To give up being a doctor?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Don’t be so judgmental, Dad. I’ll always be a doctor. No one can take away my MD.”

He eyed me warily. “I understand that. But wouldn’t you miss treating patients? Being in the hustle and bustle of the hospital? You’ve never struck me as the corner-office type.”

He was right, of course. I didn’t want to suit up and sit at a desk all day.

The thought made me want to throw up my delicious dinner.

“I thought it was what I wanted. The abstract idea of going corporate was tempting. You know: more money, no overnight shifts, and all the prestige that comes with it. The stock options alone would have paid for both kids to go to college.”

He cocked his head. “Do you need that, Josh? To feel successful? Stock options? Prestige? Lots of money?”

I shrugged.

“I know we didn’t have a lot, but we did well. We held our heads high. After we lost your mom, it was hard, but we did it. We didn’t just get by; we thrived. And it wasn’t because of money—it was because of character, kindness, and humility.”

“I’m grateful for all you did, Dad.” I covered his dark, wrinkled hand with mine—it was a few shades lighter and a size bigger. “And I’ve always wanted to make you and Mom proud.”

“Of course I’m proud. When I graduated from college, I remember your grandmother telling every person she met.

She would go to the post office to buy stamps and brag about me to anyone who would listen.

And then when you became a doctor? I was overwhelmed with pride, not just in your accomplishments, but in the kind of man you had become. ”

I smiled, chuffed at the praise. I had honored my mother’s memory with my success, but I couldn’t help but wonder at what cost.

He continued. “You’ve carried a lot of weight, and I’m sorry if that held you back from what you really love. I’m sorry if I made you feel like your professional success was all that mattered.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, regarding him. “I’m learning that I have a lot to offer beyond being a provider and an earner. But I still have a way to go.”

“I’m so proud of the man you are and the man you’re becoming. But you need to find balance; you need to find what’ll work for you. That ambition won’t fade. You’ll always love medicine, and you’ll always want to be with your family. There has to be a middle ground.”

“There is. I just haven’t found it yet.” And I wouldn’t give up until I did.

I pushed my food around my plate. Just thinking about my career was difficult right now.

I worried I would backslide and obsess. I had worked hard in therapy to create a healthier mindset and couldn’t bear the thought of ignoring it.

“Sometimes you take things to extremes. But you are a dad and a husband, and you need to lead by example.” He was always great at giving pep talks.

It was his inner teacher and coach coming through, even in retirement.

“Teach your kids to seek equilibrium in their lives and teach them that they can do anything they want. There are no limits to what they can be. Show them that they can prioritize and live their lives according to their values.”

“I want to do that. I need to win back their trust and show them my commitment. But I miss my patients. I want to be a doctor, always have. I just need to find a way to do both. Maggie does it effortlessly, and so do many of my friends. So why is this so hard for me?”

He shrugged and gave me a half smile. “You’ll figure it out, Josh. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”