Page 99 of Obligation and Redemption
“First, I need to complete my apology to you, the one that I began at Longbourn.” He breathed in deeply.
“Please accept my sincerest regrets. I have no excuse for my ungentlemanly behaviour towards you. Although I behaved within my rights and authority, I did so out of anger and frustration.” He watched as Elizabeth sat, seeming to be in distant thought concerning something upon her hand. “Do you forgive me?”
Her breathing increased as she tried to maintain control.
Elizabeth wanted to shout out that she could not and would never forgive him for shaming her in that beastly manner.
But then would that not also be iniquitous?
She was reminded that he had every right to do with her as he would.
She considered being the humble and submissive wife, but then the independent, justifiably angry woman inside of her fought that idea.
Elizabeth wanted to walk out the door and live her life without his interference.
Had it only been her reputation, she never would have married the man, but since she had, Elizabeth was now bound to him until death they part, and as such was obligated to submit to his needs and apologies.
A large cloud seemed to descend over her as this thought came to her. “I must forgive you.”
“Does that mean you do?”
“My heart cannot yet follow my mind, but I know that you had every legal right to do what you did. I cannot like it, nor will I ever forget it. You were very cruel in your treatment of me, but I know my duty. I will grant you forgiveness for that offence.”
“I thank you.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes as she looked up at his face for the first time, “I have no choice in the matter, nor any other. You now hold my life in your hands, and I abhor the idea. I am ashamed at myself for feeling that way, but I cannot help it.” Her tears spilt over.
She stood and walked to the window. It would have been so much easier if he had not apologised.
She could continue on in her just indignation at his treatment.
But then she recalled all of the other offences against herself and her family for which he had yet to ask pardon, and her scorn was revived.
Darcy had hoped for a simple resolution to their dilemma.
He would apologise for his conduct in her room, and then she would apologise for meeting with Wickham.
They would each have their say and clear the air, but Elizabeth could not let it go.
Her anger was clouding her better judgement.
Her passionate nature was showing itself to least advantage.
If he were to humble himself enough to apologise, she could too.
“I have said my peace, now I believe that you should as well. We will both feel much better when we have had a chance to clear the air.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Wickham.”
“I don’t know what you think happened between Wickham and myself, but I can assure you that I have been faithful to my marriage vows.
And in truth he has always been more gentlemanly towards me, treating me like the lady I am, than you were upon first meeting.
Wickham has never given me the impression that he wanted more than was proper. ”
“What are you talking about?”
“What I mean is that a true gentleman does not stare at a woman, especially a lady, in a state of undress when she obviously does not wish to be seen!”
“To what do you refer? I have never done such a thing.”
“Then your memory loss obviously and thankfully included the time in the cabin when you indecently stared at me in my wet undergarments while I was trying to rid myself of my soaking clothes, necessitated by my endeavours at saving you .” She could tell that he had in fact not forgotten by the dawning look of understanding upon his face.
“I see that you did not forget. So keep your judgements of Mr. Wickham, me and my genteel breeding to yourself.”
Of course, Darcy remembered seeing her. For days he could think of nothing else, but until now, he had not seriously considered her discovery of his unseemly behaviour; nevertheless, he could not admit to being at fault, to her or himself.
“You knew what you were about that day. You wanted me to see you, as you well know, to entice me.”
She laughed. “You continue in your vain attempt to incriminate me; the whole idea is ridiculous! Surely you know me well enough by now to apprehend that I would do no such thing. Once and for all, I did not try to trap you into a marriage! I was wet and cold and was just trying to get warm. You looked to be asleep, so I took the opportunity to try to remove my soaking dress so that it and my underclothes could dry. You tried to hide your fascination with my person, but I saw it. I did not accuse you of anything ungentlemanly because I thought that maybe your injury had addled your senses, but I see that accusations are the Darcy way. Perhaps your own lust was the real reason you offered for me, under the pretext of a more noble obligation. ”
This was not going well for Darcy, but he knew Wickham to be perfidious and likely to have imposed himself upon Elizabeth at some point.
Indeed, Wickham had never been anything but licentious towards the opposite sex, whether with a lady or a servant, so he continued trying to redirect her judgement from himself, especially in light of her supposition having no merit.
“I cannot believe that Wickham did not attempt a seduction either before or after our marriage, or possibly both.”
“If he did attempt, I was unaware, but I am possibly unskilled in the art as you might be. If you don’t believe me, ask Laura Carpenter, if she is here somewhere.
That evidence you so valued proves my innocence before our marriage.
I don’t know what you believe, but I can assure you that I am not the kind of woman who plays with a man’s affections or subjects myself to a man’s whims. Mr. Wickham has only been my friend, despite your intervention. ”
“He is not your friend, Elizabeth. He means to set you against me which cannot be to your advantage.”
“You, sir, need no help in that endeavour.” Darcy, now standing, was attempting to control his temper, so as not to say something he would regret. He was leaning on the mantle with one hand, the other in a fist, his knuckles against his mouth.
“You take an eager interest in that gentleman,” said Darcy, attempting to deflect her attack.
“Who that knows what his misfortunes have been, can help feeling an interest in him?”
“His misfortunes!” repeated Darcy contemptuously. “Yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed.”
“And of your infliction,” cried Elizabeth with energy.
“You have reduced him to his present state of poverty, comparative poverty. You have withheld the advantages, which you must know to have been designed for him. You have done all this and yet you can treat the mention of his misfortunes with contempt and ridicule. Despite his reduced circumstances and your amassed wealth, you cannot bear for Mr. Wickham to hold the regard or respect of anyone within your acquaintance. You, a man who has everything, would let jealousy drive you to condemn a former friend.”
“And this,” cried Darcy, as he walked with quick steps across the room towards her, “is your opinion of me! This is the estimation in which you hold me! I thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults, according to this calculation, are heavy indeed! But perhaps,” added he, stopping in his walk, “these offences might have been overlooked, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that were the only inducement to lead me to offer for you. These bitter accusations might have been suppressed, had I with greater policy concealed my struggles, and flattered you into the belief of my being impelled towards you by unqualified, unalloyed inclination; by reason, by reflections, by everything. But I would not go into a marriage with deceit on my shoulders. Do you suppose that your condition in life could induce me to offer for you for any reason other than necessity? ”
“Deceit, sir, comes in many forms,” responded she in heightened colour. “You judge Mr. Wickham harshly and seem to be inclined to judge others on that same score; however, your own misrepresentation of facts condemns you as guilty.”
“I have not the pleasure of understanding you.”
“But you did take pleasure in the intervention you enacted on behalf of Mr. Bingley. Had not my own experiences decided me against you, had they been indifferent, or had they even been favourable, do you think that any consideration would tempt me to honestly absolve a man who has been the means of ruining, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved sister?”
As she pronounced these words, Mr. Darcy changed colour; but the emotion was short-lived, and he listened without attempting to interrupt her while she continued.
“I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. No motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted there. You dare not, you cannot deny that you have been the principal, if not the only means of dividing them from each other, of exposing one to the censure of the world for caprice and instability, the other to its derision for disappointed hopes, and involving them both in misery of the acutest kind. Then you lied to me about the whole affair. I remember it so clearly, the night I realised you are not the gentleman you want everyone to believe.”
She paused, and saw with no slight indignation that he was listening with an air which proved him wholly unmoved by any feeling of remorse. He even looked at her with a smile of affected incredulity.
“You cannot deny that you have done it; I heard you bragging to Colonel Fitzwilliam of your noble interventions into their lives,” she said with renewed indignation.