Page 19 of Obligation and Redemption
“Thank you for telling me, Papa. I think I understand you both better. That time in your life could not have been easy for you, losing both of your parents at once, then being thrown into an unequal marriage, lacking in affection, while losing the love you would never know. I have the utmost respect for you and your ability to find contentment in a difficult situation.”
“Do not praise me, my dear; I am afraid I have found regret more often than contentment, but I have accepted my lot.”
“That is why you retreat to your study.”
“Yes, I do.” He took a deep breath and then said, “I tried at first to encourage your mother to exercise her mind, but she would have none of it, so I found other ways to seek pleasure in our relationship; I found amusement, instead, and if I could not change her, I could shape the disposition of our children. After my first two daughters, your mother’s influence took over.
To her credit, she does set a fine table, and if she did not spend so much time and money on frivolous pursuits, she would be credited with a lovely and welcoming home. ”
“Are you saying that I should accept my lot concerning Mr. Darcy and consider that there may be at least some good to come from a match?”
“No, I am not. I hope for you to have the love match which I never had.”
“So what are we to do?”
“I have been thinking on a proper course, and have determined that we will wait. Perhaps the gossip in Meryton will die down, but we will also need to see if Mr. Darcy is willing to do his duty.”
“But I do not want him, and you just said that you hope for something different for me.”
“I know what you want. We are like-minded, my dear. I would not have you marry that man unless there were no other viable options, but you must see that should the rumours gain acceptance, that we will have to consider a future with Mr. Darcy as a real possibility.”
“Must I truly consider marriage to that man? He disdains me; I would know a life of misery. Perhaps I could go to Aunt and Uncle Gardiners’ until another scandal takes over the attention of the town. And then….”
“Come Lizzy, you are not silly like your younger sisters. Do you not see what this has the potential to do to your family? I am not one to worry about others’ views of the Bennets.
What do we live for, but to make sport for our neighbours and laugh at them in our turn?
” Elizabeth had seen his account to be truer than she could wish.
“I have rarely taken the time to concern myself with my family’s security should I leave this world; your mother has adequate nerves to cover the both of us, so why should I?
But Lizzy, even I can see the problems that will arise should this continue on its current path; I lived through that myself, you remember.
Society does not care what happened in that cabin, or folly, or wherever you find yourself alone with a man.
People will judge you based on their own depravity.
Nothing would please Meryton more than stopping your mother’s gossip by spreading rumours about her own daughters.
It is all part of a game such as chess, but with far more cruel intent. ”
“What have I done?” Elizabeth softly replied as she turned her head and gazed into the hot fire. “I should have left him in the woods. Surely his friend would have found him soon enough.”
“Lizzy, you cannot know what would have or would not have happened. You must accept what you did and remember that you did so with the best of intentions. I cannot believe that Providence would be so cruel as to make you suffer for the rest of your life when your intentions were honourable. And you may not remember, but I do; several trees were down around the lane, which made travel through the woods difficult and treacherous during the storm. If this makes you feel any better, I must tell you that I am proud of the way you acted on Mr. Darcy’s behalf, despite his condescension towards you.
That showed a real strength of character which is rarely seen in this world. ”
“Truly?” Elizabeth had spent no small amount of time while sick in the bed worrying over her father’s judgement of her – in addition to her worry over the possibility of the news of her time alone with Mr. Darcy leaking to the public.
Unfortunately, her worries were likely the catalyst that began the rumours, as she must have spoken her concerns out loud, just when her mother could hear.
“I have always been most proud of you.” Mr. Bennet stood and assisted Elizabeth to her feet.
“If your mother seeks you out, you must continue to stick with our original story. If we can convince her of our claims, we may have a chance with the rest of society.” He kissed her wet cheek and sent her out in search of her dearest sister, Jane.
“JANE, THERE YOU ARE. I have been looking for you,” Elizabeth said as she joined her sister in the stillroom.
Elizabeth was trying to keep up the appearance of cheer for her sister’s sake, who would be certain to take Elizabeth’s concerns upon herself.
On the previous day, Jane, her sisters and Mr. Collins had gone to Meryton in order to take in some shopping after several days of rain.
Elizabeth, having learnt of Jane’s encountering the local busybodies, was anxious to speak to her to discover the extent of her troubles, but was reluctant, not wanting to upset her with questions.
“Lizzy, I was hoping you would come looking for me. You look as though you are feeling much better today. I have been uneasy about you, since you rarely get sick; you have been in bed for almost a week complete.”
Genuinely smiling at her sister’s heartfelt tenderness, she responded, “As you see, I am almost back to normal. I appreciate all of the time you spent nursing me. I am sure I can give you the credit for my recovery.”
“I was pleased to have the opportunity to repay you for all of your kindnesses towards me. You have always been fortunate in your health. You must have been chilled to the bone that day.”
“I could not get warm, as I was soaked through, and there was not nearly adequate firewood to sustain a fire for long. I do not think I got warm until I arrived to my own room with a hot cup of tea. ”
“I hate even thinking about your being gone for so long. I cannot express to you my worry – my dearest sister out in the storm. But you always know how to take care of yourself. I always admire your fortitude, Lizzy. If I could but be more like you, I am sure I would never be frightened.”
“I assure you, Jane, that I know fear. In fact I find myself rather fearful right now.” At Jane’s look of puzzlement, Elizabeth continued, “Tell me what you know. What are people saying about me? Papa told me what Mama has done. Do I have hope?”
“Oh, Lizzy, I am so sorry for leaving you alone with Mama. I tried to stay, truly I did, but she would not hear of it. She said I needed my rest to look my best in case the Bingleys were to call on us. She would not take no for an answer. You looked so peaceful when I left. You had fallen asleep, and although you still had your fever, it seemed to have improved somewhat. When I returned, you were alone and burning hot. Hill walked in shortly after I did, and said that my mother had sent her in to watch you, but she had other duties that she also had to accomplish and did not know what to do. She apparently had been checking on you off and on over the previous hour.” Agitation entered Jane’s words, “If only I had not fallen asleep, I may have heard her going up and down the stairs, and could have arrived sooner. I took over from there, of course. You were saying some things about Mr. Darcy, but nothing coherent, really. I do not know what Mama heard or what Hill may have heard. If only I could have persuaded Mama to let me stay.” Tears came to Jane’s eyes. “This is all my fault.”
“Jane, do not be silly. Of course this is not your fault. You have been a devoted sister. My only remembrances of the past few days have been of your taking care of me. I can go through anything just knowing that I have you beside me.”
“You are too kind to me, but I will endeavour to be worthy of your faith in me.”
As Elizabeth began assisting her sister with the dried herbs, she continued, “Jane, you have not yet answered my question about the rumours. When you went to town yesterday, what did you hear?”
Jane continued diligently working, as Elizabeth waited patiently.
She could tell that her sister was agitated and needed time to gather her thoughts, so that rather than helping Elizabeth’s nerves, her delay increased her worries.
“I went into town with my sisters and Mr. Collins. You will be happy to know that he continues in his attentions to Mary, and we are expecting a proposal any day now. I believe he has only waited this long to ensure your recovery before bringing our family joy.” Elizabeth was aware that Jane was stalling, but she was happy for Mary, if this is what she truly wanted.
“We went into the milliner’s shop, for you know Lydia and Kitty would not find peace until we did.
Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins were both in the shop that day.
She came out to us asking if we needed assistance.
I could tell she was perturbed with Lydia and Kitty as they made a mess of the ribbons.
I began straightening them before she came over to do the same.
She noticed you were not with us and asked about your health.
Of course, I said as little as I could, saying you had decided not to join us today.
Then she indicated that she had heard from Mrs. Taylor, who heard it from Aunt Philips, who heard it from Mama that you were ill due to having gotten caught in the storm with a gentleman, Mr. Darcy to be exact. ”