Page 154 of Obligation and Redemption

“No true harm, Elizabeth? He violated you, even if you were able to stop him! And you were left out in the wilderness for two days! I will call him out to defend your honour!” he said heatedly. Darcy had been growing more and more agitated as she spoke and could hold back no longer.

“You will do no such thing! You would cause a rift in your family that would never heal. I could not bear to think that I played a role in the destruction of your relationship with them.”

“That would be an unfortunate consequence, but can in no way keep me from seeking satisfaction. You have been completely innocent. Langston is the one who deserves punishment, and I mean to mete it out.” Darcy stood, pacing while he ran his hand through his already tousled hair.

“But if you were to lose, if he were to succeed, I … I could not bear it. And then I would have absolutely no protection from him. I shudder to think what he might do to me without your presence. Please, Darcy, I beg you, do not fight him.” Although weakened by her fever and days of little nourishment, her voice gained momentum as she spoke to him across the room.

He turned to her abruptly. “I thought that I had lost you. While searching for you, I felt the full weight of what that loss would do to me. Elizabeth, can you really ask me to forfeit my right to fight for you? It would be a privilege for me, I can assure you.” Then he stood up straight, eyes penetrating.

“I have every reason to expect I would win any challenge.”

“I have no doubt, my husband, but please, do not say such things. Just let it go. God will take care of vengeance as he sees fit. I have read that we are never to avenge ourselves, but to leave it to God. Darcy, are you to play God?”

He looked away. Had he not spent his life doing just that?

— Playing God by praising himself for his status and accomplishments, placing judgement on others, relying only on himself alone.

And where did it get him? “I will consider your request, Elizabeth, but I make no promises. I cannot let him just get away with what he has done to you, to our marriage.”

Darcy continued to pace as he pondered the repercussions of Langston’s perfidy upon their marriage thus far.

Unable to ignore the increasingly unbearable thoughts that intruded, he spoke on what might distress her, but could not be helped.

“Elizabeth, when we were intimate after the ball, that was after my cousin had assaulted you at his parents’ home.

” Elizabeth nodded; she could not bear to look at him in the eye, mortified with the incident.

“You were very upset that night. At first, I thought that I might have hurt you.”

Elizabeth was shaking her head. “You did not hurt me,” she said trying desperately to contain her emotions.

“You were thinking of him, of what he had done to you.” She nodded quickly without words and could no longer hold back her tears as she brought her hand up to cover her face.

“I didn’t know. I should have paid closer attention.

” He then sat down upon the floor of the cabin beside her, pulling her to himself.

This time, she let herself be held by her husband as she gave in to her grievous emotions.

After months of fear concerning how he might respond if he learnt of the viscount’s attack and efforts to put the dreadful ordeal behind her, the floodgates of her emotions opened.

She had not yet allowed herself to dwell upon Langston’s most recent attack, for in her escape and injuries, she had other troubles to weigh on her mind, but with her husband now holding her in an embrace, her distress had free rein.

“You were so much like your cousin! — Your size and bearing are like his, and you were holding me and touching me the same way. I kept envisioning him pressing on me. I could not escape, so I just closed my eyes and tried to disappear!”

“My God, and then I afflicted you at Longbourn!” Darcy’s anguish was much less overt than Elizabeth’s but terrible, nonetheless.

“It was very wrong of you, but you did not hurt me. I felt a betrayal of our wedding vows, but in truth neither of us had fulfilled our promises to the other that day. I know that I selfishly chose to disregard your strictures in order to feed my own pretentions.” Elizabeth was taking deep calming breaths trying to gain control again, as she continued, “But regardless of my own error in judgement, the whole ordeal truly frightened me. I have felt oppressed not just since your cousin’s attack, but since our marriage began.

” She looked up to his eyes, pained at her own confessions.

“Darcy, I have tried to move past my reticence, to somehow be the wife you need me to be. Recently I thought that perhaps I would finally be able to find contentment in our time alone, but your cousin – I just don’t know if I can.

What if I never desire what you want? That is not fair to you.

I was so afraid you had taken a mistress or had a paramour, but surely if you did, it would be my fault. ”

“No! You have never been the one deserving blame, and I will not hear of it again.” He gazed in her eyes as he said, “My dear girl, you have been nothing but courageous and blameless in every way. I will forever spend my life making up for all of the sufferings my family and I have inflicted upon you.”

“Please, don’t say such things. I should have been more welcoming to you from the beginning, but I followed my own inclinations rather than my obligation to you, as your wife.

Perhaps we could have found some kind of truce earlier if I had only trusted you.

” Elizabeth reached her hand up to his face and said, “You are an upright man; I see that now, and I have no doubt that you will do whatever is best for my welfare, as my protector. ”

“You call me upright. But how can you say that after how I treated you? —After hearing of my weaknesses in London?”

“I am disturbed by your confession, but a truly immoral man would have continued to hide his guilt, I believe. And I am guilty of taking other men’s words over my own husband’s based on nothing but comments meant to stoke my vanity or bring me fear.

For months I held onto feelings of righteous indignation about Mr. Wickham when your only faults were to withhold your side of the story and to refrain from feeding my own self-importance.

” She looked down to her hands, away from his gaze.

“It is true, that I did admire Mr. Wickham. I coveted his compliments and words of appreciation – and at your expense. I let him manipulate me into hurting you. I even gave him reason to suppose that I would accept an on-going correspondence from him. I am so ashamed of myself, so you see we each had our temptations.”

“Elizabeth, …”

“And Langston’s ignominy was ever before me, and yet I took his word over my trust in you. I regret my lack of faith. You would have every reason to be offended by my unjustified judgements.”

“I gave you no reason to think otherwise. Wickham told me on that awful day at Longbourn that you cared more for him because he flattered you, while I despised you. I would not say that that was my intention, but he was right in that I did nothing to gain your approval.” Darcy reached up to her face and then looked away as he said, “So he has been writing to you? Elizabeth, when I arrived at Pemberley, there was an unopened letter from Wickham with your name on it. It must have come while you were missing. I broke the seal and read it.”

“Oh, my. I have received letters from him through Lydia.

But I can assure you that I have not read nor answered them.

When I opened the first letter, I did not know who had written it, and as soon as I discovered who had, I burnt it.

I received one other, which I also burnt before opening it.

I do not even know what the letters said, but I wrote to my papa and told Lydia to desist from helping him. “

“Did the first one arrive with the letter from your sister – the one that had you upset that day in the music room?”

She nodded. “I was afraid to tell you – afraid that I would damage our marriage even further than I already had. Now I see that I was wrong. I should have confided in you.” Her eyes grew wide as she looked at him.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“The baby! I feel the baby, right here.” Then she rubbed her midsection where she felt the baby move. She gave her first true smile for him in weeks. “I feel him, or her .”

“Do you think I could feel it?”

“No, I cannot feel with my hand, only on the inside right now.”

“What does it feel like? I would like to know.”

“Well, I suppose it feels like a tickle from the inside, but not the kind that makes you laugh, rather the kind that makes you sigh.” She smiled up at him .

“Elizabeth, I am so pleased that we are to have a baby. I could not say it earlier, not with the fear of disappointment, but truly…” He looked away. “I thought that, — I was told that the baby might not be mine.”

“What? Who would say such a thing? You never told me how you knew I was with child. Tell me now.”

“Wickham.”

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“He informed me the baby might be his. That you loved him and had been with him, and that you continued to despise me.”

How did Wickham know about the baby? Elizabeth searched her mind for some recollection to enlighten her. Mama! She must have said something. I knew Jane should not have told her. “You believed him.”