Page 50 of Obligation and Redemption
It was not as though she had never considered what her wedding night might be like, for she had.
Of course, she did not know exactly what it was she should be imagining, for she was gently bred and gently bred ladies did not talk of nor learn of such things until married.
However, she had always imagined marrying a man for love, one whom she could trust to provide solace and comfort to soothe her uneasiness.
Her lone musings caused a new blush to cover her face, of which she was unaware.
She, Elizabeth Darcy, née Bennet, afraid!
She was determined to put her annoying cowardice behind her.
Every woman who has been married has gone through this; surely she can too without giving in to panic.
Mr. Darcy was a handsome man and when he smiled on rare occasions, he did draw her in.
What woman would not want a husband such as he?
Elizabeth recalled how he appeared in the cabin when she had begun to undress him – his strong, masculine frame – but then recollected how this same man had insulted her and found her unable to tempt him into a simple dance.
DARCY SAT ACROSS FROM HIS brIDE, his occupation varying between staring out at the countryside and gazing upon his new wife.
As expected, it began to rain within an hour of leaving Longbourn.
He had desired to leave earlier, but understood that his new mother-in-law had gone to a great deal of trouble to provide a wedding breakfast fit for a lord.
He had to do his one last duty in Hertfordshire and patiently wait for an appropriate time to depart that would allow them to arrive in London before dark.
He glanced at Elizabeth who appeared to be sleeping except for the occasional change in mien.
Her expressions transformed from smiles, to frowns, to blushes, to pallor, but most commonly alighted upon sadness.
A time or two, a tear escaped from her eyes.
The darkness of the day made her countenance difficult at times to discern, but he appreciated this occasion to study her without the obstacle of being noticed.
He knew very little about the woman in front of him, but he did perceive that she wore her emotions openly, at least so it would seem.
He had been able to tell from across a room if Elizabeth were happy, indignant, embarrassed, frustrated or forlorn.
Yet he also remembered occasions when he was unable to decide if she were sincere in her words or just teasing him.
Darcy had noticed that she held good qualities that would certainly be beneficial once their life together began in earnest. Elizabeth was able to dance gracefully, as he had witnessed the evening before, and she seemed to be comfortable in company, even with those whom she had never before met.
He remembered her engaging conversation with Fitzwilliam as she danced.
Darcy could not know at the time of what they were speaking, but she did so with animation and vigour.
And she certainly did not back down from Lady Catherine, a rarity in any social class, which showed great fortitude.
She had a pleasing figure, which he had observed on that fateful day of the storm.
How could he not have been aware of her form when she was wearing so little clothing?
He had always suspected that she knew what she was about and had designed to tempt him into a compromise.
But how he could have taken advantage of her in his condition, thereby sealing the deal, was beyond him to comprehend.
Although he would never admit it, her captivating shape had haunted him since the storm, and on this journey, the thunder in the distance kept bringing him back to that fateful day with whatever memories he had been able to retain.
He wondered, not for the first time, if she were indeed a maiden.
There was no rumour to suggest otherwise; however, the town folk who had known her the entirety of her life, seemed quick to judge her as having lost her virtue with a stranger.
Tonight would reveal the truth one way or another.
Of the whole business, being intimate with an appealing woman held the most promise.
She did not have the figure most fashionable women strived for; she was rather slender and of diminutive stature, but she still had the curves where they counted to please a man.
He supposed that he could be doing worse.
His cousin’s remarks about marrying a pretty woman did have some merit, but he did not think he could go so far as to call her pretty, for as Miss Bingley had so rightly articulated in the past, she had little style and would likely raise children to run wild.
He would have to keep her and any progeny under stern governance.
This led him to meditate upon his dear sister, Georgiana, whom he loved with all of his heart.
He had thought he was being scrupulous and disciplinary in her upbringing, but then she attempted an elopement with a blackguard.
His failure in protecting her worked knots in him whenever he considered it.
Darcy knew how the general populace of men were, but he deemed Wickham an especially profane cad.
Darcy would need to be forever vigilant and endeavour to keep both of the ladies in his life under regulation.
At least his sister respected him and would obey his strictures; his wife was another matter altogether.
She would have to learn the propriety that is expected as mistress of Pemberley.
He would have many social requirements during which Mrs. Darcy must act the part of dutiful and respectful wife.
Elizabeth would have much to learn and little time in which to master his instructions.
Darcy could only imagine the stack of invitations awaiting them at home from supposed friends who desired to scrutinise her every fault.
He took in a deep breath, slowly releasing it as he sought to dispel his dread.
A headache was coming on. I should go back to more pleasant thoughts, and so he did.
According to the standards of his contemporaries, Darcy lived an uncommonly priggish life.
His father had warned him repeatedly of the dangers related to gaming and women.
Darcy’s family name came with no small measure of pride.
All of his actions bore witness to his familial responsibilities.
He valued temperance and attempted to live within the bounds of propriety that his father had instilled within him.
Losing money at the gaming tables put his estate and holdings at risk, and sacrificing his health just to gratify his lust could also reap significant liabilities.
Darcy already had to deal with Wickham’s known offspring and in so doing risked censure to himself, for there would always be people who considered him to be the responsible party, no matter his own innocence, just for providing aid.
However, despite his restrained exterior, inside he was like any other man of lascivious inclinations.
He was proud of his self-control despite his inner struggles, but now that he was married, he could enjoy all of the benefits that lie therein.
He considered the night ahead and smiled to himself.
He had considered at one point taking a mistress to satisfy the desires that all men face, but he reflected upon what his father would think and then the possibilities of what could happen to this woman when he married.
Would he keep her on or set her up somewhere with all of his illegitimate children born through her?
And how would a history with one woman affect his future wife?
This was a common enough practice for his fellow peers, but he had higher standards for himself.
And what if he somehow developed feelings for the woman?
Of course he could never marry her. No, he could not have taken a mistress, and deep down inside he had known this to be the case.
But all of those struggles were now unnecessary.
The new Mrs. Darcy would do well enough for meeting his needs and providing an heir.
She was healthy with a strong constitution as evidenced throughout the past month, and she had the form to mollify his carnal pursuits.
While his mind remained preoccupied with satisfying thoughts, a niggling idea came into his mind.
He considered again that she might not have had sexual relations with a man before, which certainly was his hope, but if that were the case, how would she respond to his advances this night?
They, of course, must consummate their marriage tonight.
Not only was it the custom to do so, but he also wanted to.
Add to that, the servants would bear witness to the evidence on the sheets that would confirm that he did not ruin her in the cabin or in some secluded folly, as was the popular belief.
Breaking her maidenhead would be the proof of his own innocence, and that proof had value to him, and it should to her as well.
Yes, she would not want to wait either if she is innocent of past indiscretions.
He would explain this to her at the proper time and make sure that she knew to expect him.
ELIZABETH WAS AWAKENED by Mr. Darcy’s baritone voice.
“Mrs. Darcy, we will be pulling up to Darcy House in about five minutes.” She had been in a deep slumber, her exhaustion finally consuming her.
How strange to have been in close quarters with Mr. Darcy for a full three hours with no other interaction than this.
Elizabeth attempted in vain to stifle a yawn.
The carriage held little light due to the dark clouds of the storm and the late hour of the waning day, so she could not see Mr. Darcy’s amused look upon his face.