Page 116 of Obligation and Redemption
After a few moments of reflection, Elizabeth began, “Jane was always my mother’s favourite.
For years Mama has praised her excessive beauty, but my mother cannot see what truly makes her special.
Jane always thinks the best of everyone, eager to forgive and quick to help, even when doing so causes herself pain or discomfort.
” Then Elizabeth chuckled as she said, “Having me as a younger sister left her with the task of managing a most unruly, little girl. She many times took the blame for my own mishaps, knowing that my mother would never punish her as she would me. When I would get physically hurt, as often happened while playing, she would be the one to provide solace. And when I was pained by someone’s cruel remarks – usually my mother’s,” Elizabeth said looking down with a blush, “she would soothe my sorrow.
My bruised pride oftentimes found healing through her natural compassion.
“Once we came of age, I began to see my role in helping her. Jane’s trusting nature makes her vulnerable to others, you see.
Men have long admired her – always the loveliest in any room – vying for her attention.
Although Jane has ever been the model of propriety, I soon became aware of the need to watch over her, as my father was rarely moved to give his role as protector justice.
I feared that a gentleman might appreciate her charms, but because of her lack of fortune, would instead seek to engage her heart for his own pleasure without a commitment. ”
Elizabeth unwittingly glanced up to her husband’s knit brow before continuing, “She has such a gentleness of spirit, I worry about how she will survive the cruelties of this world should something happen to Papa. Jane’s physical attractions will become a liability for her, I am sure.
But you must know, Mr. Darcy, that I will do everything in my power to protect her.
She is worth more than any treasure to me. ”
“She sounds like a remarkable woman. I have met few so genuine in their innocence.”
“Remarkable. Yes, I always wanted to be Jane, to have her beauty and kindness.”
“But you are beautiful, Elizabeth. And I know none kinder.”
Elizabeth laughed. “Please, Mr. Darcy, don’t. False words do not become you. ”
“It is true that your sister is a great beauty. And I can tell that she is a sweet, mild-tempered girl, but you, Elizabeth, are equally lovely, and if not mild-tempered, you are always sincere and generous.”
“I cannot believe that you honestly give credit to what you now say. You mean to manipulate me into accepting your pretty words, but I know your true thoughts. I have heard you say otherwise more than once. I cannot blame you for feeling that way, but for my sake, please keep your false declarations to yourself.”
Darcy listened to her open up to him as she had never before and saw at once all of her vulnerabilities that she kept so safely hidden from the world to see.
Can she actually think that she is not beautiful?
Did I not say that she wasn’t and did she not also hear me?
Her mother apparently gives her no credit.
Could Elizabeth Bennet Darcy deep down be insecure and uncertain of her admirable qualities?
Here she is, a woman of good understanding and profound feminine appeal, who does not see her true worth.
“Elizabeth, when I first arrived in Meryton, I had come with my friend’s welfare in mind.
He was to lease an estate and I was to help him in his new role.
My sister had a difficult summer, which still greatly troubled me, and I was in no humour for any social obligations.
But Bingley insisted I go to an assembly to be held that night in town.
” Darcy had been looking at his hands as he was talking, but here he stopped and looked up to Elizabeth’s eyes.
She had a puzzled look upon her face. “While at the assembly, Bingley danced with many ladies, while I stood on the outside of the room, trying to be as inconspicuous as a man of my wealth can be.
I still heard the quickly spreading report of my income.
I can never escape the rumours that follow me wherever I go, and I would not have anyone suppose that I meant to find an attachment in such a remote location.
“Bingley then came up to me and tried to get me to dance with his new neighbours. He hoped to make a good impression, but I wanted none of it. So, when he pointed out a beautiful, young woman who was sitting alone and told me he could introduce me to dance with her, I very rudely – and with the purpose of being heard – said that she was tolerable but not tempting enough to dance with.”
Tears had come to Elizabeth’s eyes as she struggled to keep a cool head.
For months she had dismissed his words as arrogant, peevish, prideful, misplaced, comical, anything to keep them from touching her, but here Mr. Darcy was repeating what he had said, and she could no longer fight her true feelings on the matter.
He had offended her greatly that day, and the truth was that it still stung.
“I never gave the young woman any notice, for if I had, I would have discovered that she was in truth the loveliest woman in the room, and even now is the most beautiful woman of my acquaintance.” Elizabeth looked away and began shaking her head.
Darcy instinctively reached over to take hold of her hand.
“Elizabeth, I am ashamed of myself for such a speech. I was wrong on two accounts. Firstly, it was the height of selfish arrogance to say such a thing, and secondly, it simply was not true. ”
Elizabeth wanted to disappear. She did not know what to believe or how to respond. How did the conversation about her sister turn into one about herself? “Mr. Darcy, please. I do not want to talk about that night.”
“But I need to. I need to apologise to you for my rude behaviour at your expense.
No wonder you thought to leave me in the woods to suffer the storm.
You would have been justified. Elizabeth, my parents raised me to honour women, to take care of them, but in my pride, I began to believe that the only women to whom that applied were the ones of my choosing.
Can you conceive of my arrogance? But of course you can; you have seen it too many times to believe otherwise.
“If it makes you feel any better, you were not alone as the target of my pretension. I have turned away more than one woman by the same pompous method. But you, my dear, were the only one who turned around and laughed at me.” She looked at him with furrowed brows.
“Up until recently, I had not remembered that you were the woman that night whom I offended, but when I recently recalled the truth, that you, my wife, were then the target of my uncivil remarks, I recollected your making sport with me. No one had ever laughed at me before, but you did. You threw my insult back at me in ridicule. I deserved it, but no one had been brave enough until you. I did not know whether to applaud or scorn you, so I suppose I chose the latter, but conveniently forgot who had made the impression, probably to salvage my pride.”
“That was many months ago and much has happened since then. Can we just forget about it?”
“Say you forgive me. I need to know that you do.”
Elizabeth nodded that she did, and then said, “I can forgive you for your ill-favoured words that night, but truly, you must stop saying such things to me. You and I both know that I am not the most beautiful woman of your acquaintance. You know many attractive women.”
“None so lovely.”
“What about Lady Annette?” It pained Elizabeth to speak of Lady Annette, but she wanted some sign to confirm or deny the validity of Lord Langston’s claims.
Darcy was startled by the question, but soon recovered. “What about Lady Annette?”
“She is certainly beautiful. In fact, I would have said her loveliness matched Jane’s, but she lacks Jane’s overwhelming goodness, so could never be as beautiful in my eyes.”
“Lady Annette is, of course, an attractive woman. I cannot deny the fact. There are many beautiful women of my acquaintance, but that does not negate your being the loveliest.”
“How am I to trust you when you say such things?” His words gave her comfort, but did not appease her.
“Elizabeth, deception is my abhorrence. I would not lie to you. I admit that it has taken me some time to recognise my admiration for you, but now that I see your attractive qualities, I am certain I know my mind. You are very beautiful.” He reached up and gently touched a curl framing her face.
Then seeming to recall himself, he pulled back his hand and said, “Sometime soon I will share your many qualities that I find enchanting, but not now, not over breakfast, but soon.”
Elizabeth then excused herself, without having consumed anything but her tea, to read Jane’s letter again and to make a response. She had also taken her letter from Lydia, expressing a wish to read the remainder of her mail in the privacy of her own room.