Page 155 of Obligation and Redemption
“Elizabeth, we have both been mistaken about so many things. We have each thought the worse of the other. Can we please learn to forgive one another and start fresh, again? I can assure you that I did not want to believe him. I have never been a vulnerable man. I have kept people at a distance, never showing my weaknesses, but with you, my dear, I have found myself to be susceptible in so many ways. I knew at one point that you did not care for me, much less like me. It is natural that I would consider the validity in his claims.”
“The great Mr. Darcy has been foolish, vulnerable, prideful, weak and perverse. I seem to have a negative effect upon you. Are you certain you wish to forgive me?”
He smiled at her ability to disarm him. “I am certain that I need you in my life, and as forgiveness will make it all the sweeter, I suppose that is exactly what I wish.” They stared at one another for some minutes, the firelight playing off their features as each became mesmerised by the other.
He wanted to kiss her, to replace the feelings of distress with those of affection, and had been leaning forward, hoping she wished the same, when without warning, a loud knock sounded at the door, startling them both.
Darcy reached his hand out to caress her face and said, “It looks like we may have been found. Here, let me help cover you.” Then, after wrapping the blanket around her shoulders, he stood and walked to the door, taking one last glance back to her before opening it.
“Mr. Darcy, thank God! We have been looking for you for two days. We thought for sure you were injured somewhere in the wilds of the estate.”
“I am well. Come inside where it is warm.” He led the two stable hands into the room. “My wife is also here. I had expected that someone might have found us yesterday.”
“We were looking in the wrong part of the estate apparently. Also the rain has not let up since you went missing. We saw the smoke from the chimney as we came up, but the mist and rain kept us from seeing it before now. When Hermes came to the stable without you, it was too late to begin a search. The men had been coming in from their own searches for Mrs. Darcy and said that they had not seen you since morning. We searched all day yesterday for you and Mrs. Darcy and then picked back up this morning. ”
“I was just about to head out walking, so your timing is perfect. Instead, I will send you for provisions and a cart to transport my wife since her injuries keep her from walking.”
“We are supposed to send out two shots if we found you, so I’ll just do that now.”
The man who had been talking walked outside and a few moments later two loud shots were heard. He re-entered with food and wine. “I brought some food for you, knowing you would be hungry.”
“Thank you, Parker.” Darcy took the food from the man’s hands and walked over to his wife who had been watching the interactions.
“Elizabeth, here, I want you to eat something.” He opened the sack and took out the provisions, making certain that she had begun to take in some nourishment before returning to the men.
“I would like for you to make haste to the house and let everyone know that Mrs. Darcy and I are both well. Bring back some more food with the cart, and have my wife’s maid pack some warm clothes for her to change into. ”
“Shall we bring the maid with us, sir?”
Darcy turned back to his wife who was listening intently to the conversation. “Yes, thank you for your suggestion. Oh, and tell my man to have bath water drawn for each of us when we return. One more thing; send someone for the doctor. I would like him to see my wife today.”
“Yes, sir,” the man said before walking back out the door.
“Darcy, please, come sit down and have something to eat as well,” said his wife.
“No, I want you to get what you need first.”
“But there is more than enough for the two of us.”
“As you are eating for two , I think that what you have there should be about right. Truly, I am fine waiting. What’s a couple of more hours?”
“Well, I can assure you that I am incapable of eating this much! So, when I have had all I can possibly consume, you will eat what is left. I know you are hungry, for I heard your stomach telling you, not ten minutes ago.”
“It seems that we are both rather stubborn. Clark wanted to call you stubborn when he told me that you insisted most firmly that he teach you means of defence, but I believe he thought better of such strong language; however, I have no qualms. You are stubborn, and I wouldn’t change a thing about you,” he said smiling.
“Nothing, sir? Are you certain? My impertinence must give you grief, I believe.”
“Impertinence? — No, rather your lively nature. I have never had to wonder what your true feelings have been towards me. I believe that you are the only person, outside of James perhaps, who would have the strength of purpose to tell me that I am a liar and without honour.”
“But I was wrong to say that,” Elizabeth said, alarmed to have her cruel words repeated to her.
“You may have been mistaken in your assumption, but your audacity was no less magnificent to behold.”
“You are making fun of me. ”
“I can assure you that I am not. Elizabeth, everyone venerates me. I can never truly know a person’s true impressions.
I am a man with a great deal of financial power and as such, I have few true friends.
My status and money have always affected my relationships, keeping me from knowing for certain if people speak from their heart or their purses.
Not with you, my dear. You have never once, since the Meryton Assembly, treated me with obeisance. ”
“But surely a wife should hold her husband in esteem.”
“Obeisance and esteem are two different things, though. I would not have you fawning over me like a rapacious upstart.”
“I do, you know.”
“You do what?”
“Esteem you,” answered she, almost shy to say such a thing to her husband.
“That is part of why it hurt me so, to think that you had....” Here she stopped as tears came back to her eyes.
She wiped them away with the blanket. “I had come to see you as an admirable man, and to have your character called into question, … I could not bear it.”
Darcy reached over to hold her hand, gently caressing it within his own.
“Elizabeth, we both know that I am not perfect, but I can promise you that I have every intention of remaining faithful to my marriage vows, and would even if I had not grown to cherish you as I now do.” He looked into her eyes still moist from verbalising her fears.
“But I must tell you that my feelings of sincere regard inspire me to speak plainly. There is no other woman in all of England whom I esteem more than you. Having you as my wife is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I say happened to me, because, I had no choice in the matter. It has been as if someone other than myself has been directing my life for the past six months, with my being dragged kicking and screaming to a paradise, for which I have always longed, but in which I never dreamt of sharing.”
Then he declared softly but with feeling, “Elizabeth, in vain I have struggled. It will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
Elizabeth’s astonishment was softened by the great joy that she felt upon hearing such a heartfelt declaration from her husband.
She had not dared to hope that he could ever express such romantic sentiments, or that she should be the receiver of his declarations of love.
She blushed prettily, unable to immediately speak.
At first, he had assumed in his modest and vulnerable state that she had been distressed by his heartfelt words, but then he saw a smile overspread her face, which could not conceal her joy.
She looked away, embarrassed. “Darcy, you have made me the happiest of all creatures. Could I be na?vely lost in another dream, only to awaken to a cruel reality of despair, or did you really confess your affection for me – I, who have done nothing but cause you grief and pain?”
“No, my love, you know not of what you speak. You are the only one I have known in the entirety of my life who has been able to use the grief and pain, which came by my own hand, to transform me, to bring me to a joy beyond measure. For how can one be truly satisfied in this life without a true understanding of oneself, without the lessons learnt by the gentle reproach of another?”
“Sir, you can hardly call my reproaches gentle!” Elizabeth replied with a slight smile. “Truly, I do not deserve your love, I who have done nothing but cause you trouble since the first of our acquaintance.” Then laughingly she continued, “But by all means turn my faults into virtues.”
“Elizabeth, you are the most virtuous woman I know. I am the one who has antagonised you; I wanted to believe the worst in you, to vilify your conduct, despite all of the evidence contrariwise. You have represented yourself admirably well. I know of no other, man or woman, who would have stood up to me with such courage and conviction. I, on the other hand, have deserved every reproof that you have sent my way. When you were hurting, I salted your wounds. I cannot think about my actions towards you during those first months of our marriage without abhorrence.”
“Think no more of our past words and actions. The feelings of the people who married are so widely different from what they are now, that even unpleasant circumstances attending it ought to be forgotten. You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as the remembrance gives you pleasure.”
“I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your retrospections must be so totally void of reproach that the contentment arising from them is not of philosophy, but what is much better, of ignorance. But with me, it is not so. Painful recollections will intrude, which cannot – which ought not – to be repelled. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt by my parents, who though good themselves (my father particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing, to care for none beyond my own family circle, to think meanly of all the rest of the world, to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came into the marriage certain that you were the one to receive the advantage, that you should be grateful of my condescension, for saving you and your family, when all along, I was the one unworthy. But I know that you discerned this, for I held it before you like a trophy throughout our time in London and Hertfordshire.”
“Sir, please. You must not speak this way, for it pains me. My feelings forbid it.” With a blush, Elizabeth spoke her heart, and his name, for the first time.
“William, I love you. I honour you with my mind and cherish you with my heart. I did not at first understand why Providence brought us together in such an unconventional manner, but I now know that we were meant for one another. Could we have found our way together without God’s intervention in our lives, I who despised your hauteur and you who found me intolerable? ”
With her declaration of love, Darcy’s heart soared, but was tempered by the realisation that had they not met on that path on that stormy morning, they likely would not have reached an understanding.
He had longed to hear his name upon her lips.
Few called him by this name; even his sister called him Brother as a rule.
This simple, yet powerful evidence of their changed understanding and the thought that they might never have found love if not for Providence, spurred him to lean in closer to her, so that their faces were mere inches apart.
“Well, William, if you don’t kiss me, I will have to kiss you. And I would hate to instigate another scandal within a secluded building.”
He needed no other invitation. Too elated to smile, or do anything other than comply, he leaned in to touch her lips with his own.
They tasted of wine and cheese, thus reminding him of her need for sustenance.
He pulled away regrettably and said, “My love, I will have to consider the best means of beginning a scandal later, for I absolutely insist you continue your breakfast. But don’t mind me, for I can happily sit here and watch you.
In fact, I will do more than that.” Thus saying, Darcy grabbed an orange that had been sitting on the napkin on which her food lay.
He peeled the rind away and then separated a segment from the rest, bringing it up to her mouth.
She laughed at his gallant show and dutifully ate. “Mm. I’ve never tasted food so delicious. Tell me, are you always so good at feeding others?”
“I cannot say I have ever fed anyone else before, excepting Georgiana when she was an infant. I used to enjoy feeding her and doting on her. I suppose that I am a natural, for we see that she grew up to be a healthy, young lady.” Elizabeth continued to eat in contemplative silence, considering Darcy’s sister and her obvious, vehement dislike.
“How is your sister? Did you see her in town?”
“I forgot that you were unaware when I told you. Georgiana has joined me and is even now at Pemberley. She must have been overwhelmed with fear when I did not return two days ago.”
“Is that how long we have been in the cottage?” At his affirmative nod, she continued, “You must be starving! And I cannot eat another bite. Here you take the rest. I confess that I am feeling very sleepy all of a sudden. Although much better than before, I need to lie down again.” And so she did.
Darcy saw the fatigue in her eyes and posture and so allowed her to suspend her eating for a little while. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, “You rest, but when we get home, I expect you to eat a veritable feast.”
“I will do my best; I promise.” She closed her eyes, initially in contemplation of how the reunion with her new sister might play out, but then she drifted off into a quiet slumber.