Page 104 of Obligation and Redemption
“That was Elizabeth?” Darcy said more to himself than Bingley.
He stood up and walked around slowly as he tried to recall the scene described by his friend.
He now remembered saying those words and in truth meant to be heard by the lady to whom Bingley referred.
He made a habit of saying such things to avoid raising a lady’s expectations, but hearing these words from his friend made him sound like an insolent fool.
But of course it was Elizabeth. He remembered now how she had laughed at him rather than showing offence.
She was making fun of me… as she does all of the follies of the world.
Only Elizabeth would find amusement at such a slight.
“No wonder she wanted to leave me in the woods. She said so, you know.”
“That’s not all, Darcy. I’m afraid my sister may have given further offence at the ball, the one at Tromwell House on New Years Eve.”
“Go on,” Darcy said, a foreboding feeling coming over him.
“Caroline could not quite get past losing you to one of the Bennets. I’m afraid she may have – well actually she did – tell Mrs. Darcy some unkind remarks that you had spoken, perhaps in an ill-favoured mood, at Netherfield.
They were voiced prior to your understanding with Mrs. Darcy, of course, and you likely did not even mean them. ”
“What did I say?” Darcy asked, not quite certain he wished to know.
“You will recall that the Bennets and the Lucases had been dining at Netherfield, and after they left, we were all in the drawing room having a beverage. I believe you were in need of something stronger than was served while our guests were in attendance,” Bingley said with a smile.
“Anyway, we were speaking on the reputed beauty of the Bennet ladies when your wife’s name came up, then Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
You openly disagreed with the assessment.
Unfortunately, my sister remembered your unkind words and shared them with Mrs. Darcy. ”
Darcy sat there, mouth agape, until he thought to close it. “I hardly remember speaking them. Surely what I said was not so dreadful.”
“If her reaction was any indication, I would say that they were, but Darcy, her sister has a forgiving nature. Maybe she does as well. She has likely moved on and has forgotten the imprudent slights.”
“No, I think not.” Both men sat in silence that was interrupted by the footman bringing in the tea. “Would you like to join me at Angelo’s today?”
“And suffer the humiliation of being soundly thrashed?”
“I promise to check my exuberance. Come, let’s go. You and I will both feel better, and I will be happy to have some company.”
THE DURATION OF HIS STAY put Darcy in contact with many acquaintances, but certainly few bold enough to question him about his wife’s whereabouts.
However, one evening not quite a fortnight into his stay, he saw Lord Wexley with his father, Lord Cunningham, dining at the club.
As Darcy entered the establishment, the two gentlemen invited him to join them.
Although Darcy felt somewhat awkward at the thought, he acquiesced and sat at their table.
The conversation started on general topics of mutual interest, politics, new trends in farming, but then ventured on to the less comfortable.
Lord Cunningham had never spoken to Darcy about the outcome of his interest in Lady Annette and so brought up the point.
“Darcy, my son tells me that you went off and married a pretty country girl. Now I know you never asked for the honour of Annette’s hand, but we all know, including Annette, that you were well on your way to doing so.
I own that I was astonished when I heard about your engagement and subsequent hasty marriage.
Tell me honestly, did you find yourself in a position of having to save her from an indiscreet moment of weakness? ”
Darcy was nonplussed at such a question, from a lord no less.
Not wanting to give offence but equally not wanting to give any more information than had already been revealed to Lord Wexley, Darcy simply stated, “Neither Mrs. Darcy nor I did anything for which we should feel ashamed. Unfortunately, a woman’s virtue can decide her future, and if that virtue is brought into question, she is at risk of losing all hope of stability, both for herself and her family.
Due to the situation, rumours began to spread that she had been alone with me over the course of an entire day.
No one cared that I was physically incapable of causing her ruin; they just enjoyed destroying the reputation of a local gentleman’s family.
I could not in good conscience let that happen.
I do not regret my decision to do what was right. ”
“You know you did not have to marry the girl. Robert here says that she is tolerable looking. You could have married her off to some farmer, setting him up nicely; then her family would have been saved and your own future salvaged as well.”
Darcy’s irritation was growing the longer he listened to the lord daring to suppose his way of handling the dilemma was superior to Darcy’s own.
“Any speculation on alternative solutions is a waste of time. Elizabeth is now my wife and I cannot feel remorse for honouring my duty to her. As I told Wexley, I deeply regret having hurt Lady Annette, if indeed that is the case. She is a beautiful and accomplished woman of untarnished character. She will have many suitors this Season, as she did last year.”
“She wasted an entire year with you, and that’s all you can say?” said the older man, obviously unhappy at the outcome.
“I will not defend my actions; I was honour-bound to Elizabeth. What’s done is done.” Darcy paused, looking at both men in the eye. “Now can we speak of something else?”
“Don’t get all testy, Darcy. To show you we have no hard feelings, why don’t you come to our place for dinner on Saturday instead of eating at the club?
You and Wexley can catch up on old times.
You were always friends, were you not?” As Darcy had no viable excuse to refuse, he accepted the invitation, then after a few moments more, excused himself attributing to fatigue.
That night Darcy considered his conversation with the earl and viscount.
Do I truly feel no remorse for marrying Elizabeth?
This past month had been the most difficult of his life, even more so than when his father died, leaving him as master of Pemberley and guardian of his then ten-year old sister.
The difference was that when his father died, everyone had faith in him to meet the challenge.
Yes, he mourned his father, but he had been trained all of his life for the eventuality of one day taking over his father’s duties.
He had felt insecure in many ways, but was able to prove to himself, his staff and his peers that he could perform.
But now as a husband, he felt the full weight of his inadequacies.
Elizabeth seemed to fight him at every turn, and indeed Darcy did not meet his own expectations of what a good husband should be.
He had learnt to respect women, to show them the courtesies and protection due the fairer sex and to be a gentleman at all times.
Darcy failed at all of these. How did I go astray to that extent in so short a time?
He began to understand why Elizabeth despised him.
The same day he made marriage vows, he dishonoured her.
He failed to show her love. Of course he did not love her, but he could have shown her love at some level, or at the very least, kindness.
Elizabeth must have been terribly frightened that first night; she had nearly told him so, but he insisted on her welcoming him to her bed.
Darcy’s rationale for his expectations seemed so weak in hindsight.
The memory of her weeping after he had departed troubled him, but he had soon forgotten, too busy anticipating their next encounter.
Was I really so callous? But that was not the only time.
I became even more demanding. My God, at Longbourn I practically violated her – I forced myself on her.
At the time I felt justified – she’s my wife, and I thought she had given herself to another – the very worst of men.
But there can be no grounds for my barbaric behaviour.
She said she forgave me, but she did not mean it.
Elizabeth felt obligated to accept my apology.
I can’t even say if I forgive myself. How could I expect her to forgive me?
Then Darcy considered her treachery: Elizabeth welcomed Wickham into her life; she defended him.
And he could not forget that she might have planned the whole scandal.
If he were completely honest with himself as he sat reflecting, he would have discounted the idea, but Darcy was trying desperately to absolve himself of the overwhelming sense of guilt that had been increasing steadily each day.