Page 48 of Obligation and Redemption
So they are no longer two but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.
The afternoon had become quite cold by the time Darcy and his bride left for London. Darcy had planned on spending the following month in town, so that they could spend Christmas near his sister, who would be staying with their aunt and uncle Fitzwilliam who lived within a mile of Darcy House.
Elizabeth had no opinion on where their first days of married life would be spent.
Of course, Miss Bingley had raised her curiosity about Pemberley, and she anticipated seeing the estate and its surroundings for the first time, but nothing could stir her to think joyously on the prospect while her spirits were so marred by the elusive, upcoming events that would take place as a married woman.
Elizabeth sat across from her new husband in the well-appointed carriage as it swayed to and fro with the blowing of the wind.
She was truly exhausted after a night of dancing at the ball with little sleep to recover, and closed her eyes for a rest. Her new husband sat staring out of the window in silent contemplation.
She could only imagine what he was thinking.
She reviewed the past eight hours. Can it truly have been so short a time thus far?
Having tossed and turned the previous night, she had finally dozed off three hours before time to rise again.
Jane had retired with her, making very little movement as she dreamt of the handsome and amiable Mr. Bingley.
Elizabeth had finally calmed while reflecting upon her dear sister’s being so happy.
Although Elizabeth was not made for gloomy thoughts, she was incapable of pulling herself out of the foreboding that she felt as the upcoming day had approached.
Her life would change in ways that she could not even fathom.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet would no longer exist, and she felt as though that woman were being shackled and chained to a drowning ship.
She was determined to go down into the deep with calm and poise, to be resurrected as a new and formidable creature to serve as mistress of the great Pemberley.
But during the night, she had remained unwillingly insecure and distressed about the day ahead.
ELIZABETH HAD PREPARED FOR THE WEDDING, donning her new gown made of ivory silk, simple yet elegant in its design.
The local modiste had fashioned the gown based on Elizabeth’s restrained specifications.
Her hair was pulled up into an intricate style that took most of an hour to prepare.
Sarah, the young abigail to Elizabeth and her four sisters, had a great deal of experience in fashioning styles to complement each of the Bennets and did not fail to impress on this occasion.
Even though her hair would be mostly hidden by the wedding bonnet, her curls were tamed to frame her face beautifully.
In front of her, upon the vanity, sat her bouquet of white roses, newly arrived from the hothouses of Darcy’s home in London.
Elizabeth had arranged the small token using the flowers her fiancé had delivered to her the previous day, but added her own favourite wild flowers and herbs that were still in bloom along the lanes of her father’s estate.
Except for the dark circles under her heavy eyes, she felt that she looked the part of expectant bride.
Since an exhausted Elizabeth had slept late, her sisters were dressed first, leaving Elizabeth and Jane to prepare last.
Planning to summon her aunt Gardiner to come to her room and hopefully alleviate the apprehension that threatened to bring her to tears yet again, she had turned to Sarah to make the request, but then her mother came in the room to “explain your duties as a married woman.” Elizabeth groaned inwardly.
This was the exact thing she had been attempting to avoid these past two weeks.
“Now, my dear, I have been meaning to talk to you about what you can expect once you are married. I think it a shame that a young girl cannot be warned about her duties before she has made an understanding with a man, for I believe many with means would choose a different path if that were the case. But this is our lot. First I must tell you that men are all very different from women.”
“Mama, really….”
“Shush, child. Do not interrupt me. This is hard enough without your attempting to divert me as you are wont to do.
“ Taking a deep breath, she continued, “Now, as I was saying, men are different. They have needs that women do not have, but it is your duty to meet those needs, at least until an heir is conceived.” Mrs. Bennet began fanning herself with her handkerchief as a blush crept up her neck and onto her face.
Elizabeth remained quiet. “Now, tonight Mr. Darcy will come to you. I suggest you have some wine before he arrives to calm your nerves. It is best to have as little light as possible, so that he will not be prone to want to look at you. Men like to look at women in a state of undress if at all possible, but you can resist this by dressing modestly.” Elizabeth began feeling sick.
“When he comes, you need not do anything unless he asks something particular of you. Just lie still and he will do all of the work. There will be some pain; it is just the way of it, but it will soon be over, and he will leave you to clean up.”
Elizabeth felt more confusion than she had before her mother had entered her room, and as she had a habit of expressing her feelings upon her countenance, her mother noticed the uncertainty. “Do you have any questions, Lizzy?”
“Mama, what exactly will he do to me?” Elizabeth felt like she could experience some relief to her agitation if she could just know what would happen to her. The anxiety related to her ignorance was hard for the usually controlled Elizabeth to bear.
Her mother looked at her wide-eyed trying to determine how exactly to explain something so personal, yet disagreeable, to herself.
“Well, he will lie atop of you and spread your legs apart, so he can place himself betwixt them. Do not scream out in pain the first time. I learnt that men do not like that. Really, Lizzy, you live on a farm with animals. Surely you have seen what they do!” In her mortification, Elizabeth decided to ask no more questions.
“The good news is that men of means are prone to obtain a mistress to satisfy their carnal appetites; he likely already has one, so you need only be available when attempting to conceive children. You must do better than I did and give Mr. Darcy an heir. I have heard it told that different positions can help determine whether you have a boy or girl, but I would never be so bold as to suggest a thing with your father, despite needing an heir!” The blush on both women’s faces intensified.
“Mama, I see this is as difficult for you as it is for me. Thank you for attempting to alleviate my concerns.” Elizabeth desired that her mother leave and meant to send her out and obtain counsel from her aunt.
As her mother left, she pulled the cord for Sarah to return and ask Mrs. Gardiner to come to her room.
As Sarah had moved on to Jane’s toilette, it took several minutes before she could arrive. Instead, Mrs. Hill made a showing. “Oh, Miss Lizzy, you are a picture! Sarah has really come along, has she not?”
“Thank you, Mrs. Hill.” With melancholy, Elizabeth reached out to hug the housekeeper who had once turned her over her knee when she had gotten into some trouble or another growing up.
“You have always been so good to me, I will miss you dearly.” Elizabeth had a wave of despondency come over her as tears again threatened to spill over and ruin the impression of the eager bride she was trying hard to maintain.
“Miss Lizzy, you were always the strong one. I know that you will do well. Just remember to continue to be kind towards your inferiors, and you will earn their devotion. And keep that confidence that has always guided you, so as not to let those in high positions perceive you are vulnerable. In other words, stay true to yourself.”
“But what if Mr. Darcy insists I not. I fear Miss Elizabeth Bennet will no longer endure after today, that I will become but a vestige of my former self.” Elizabeth despised being so vulnerable and needed the comfort of the mother figure found in Mrs. Hill that her own mother could not provide.
But she could not speak with Mrs. Hill of the anxieties that most plagued her.
“Mrs. Hill, could you possibly send for my aunt to join me in my room?”
“Of course, she had been asking about you earlier. I believe she was concerned about your not yet coming down for some tea.”
“Oh, yes, could you have some tea sent up please? I do not think I could eat a thing, but tea would be nice.”
“In a jiffy, miss.” At that Mrs. Hill quit the room to complete Elizabeth’s requests.
However, she could not find Mrs. Gardiner, for Mrs. Bennet had sent her on to the church to make sure everything was made ready for the wedding.
The message to this effect had been sent up to Elizabeth, whose agitation increased in the extreme.
What if I am unable to speak with Aunt Gardiner before the wedding?