Page 152 of Obligation and Redemption
“If that is what you wish, but I only mean to help you.” Then he took a deep breath before continuing, “Elizabeth, you can tell me about Langston.” He awaited her response, giving her time to compose herself and to consider her words.
As she was obviously alarmed and unwilling – or unable – to share any part of her distressing ordeal, Darcy pressed on, “I know that he has hurt you somehow, and I am willing to listen, but you seem angry at me . You cannot compare us, do you?”
“I do. You are no different,” Elizabeth said before turning away, her tears saying as much as her words. Her hands trembled as she reached up to wipe her eyes.
“I don’t know what he did to you, but Elizabeth, does my recent abstention not prove to you that I have changed, that I have only your interests at heart? I hope that I have somehow redeemed myself in your eyes, if even just a little. I thought that you had forgiven me.”
Elizabeth became provoked as she considered his activities during his abstention . “You are both made from the same mould. I speak not just based on my own experiences, but also based on others’ recitals of you.”
“I would have you tell me, for I cannot at all account for what you say. I have tried my best to become a husband who shows you esteem and forbearance, but I suppose that may not be good enough for you,” said Darcy, becoming exasperated at the direction of the conversation .
“Your form of esteem puzzles me exceedingly, and as for forbearance, it comes at a high price.”
“How can you say that? I spent the entire day looking for you, and since, I have dedicated my complete attention to your care.” As Darcy tried to calm down, he continued more gently, “Elizabeth, I have a deep regard for you not just as my wife, but as a dear friend.”
She looked at him afflicted. She wanted to believe in his regard, but the evidence to the contrary was too great.
In the past he treated her like a possession, and since then had given himself over to other women.
He was manipulating her into believing he cared when he did not.
“You have no honour. You may perhaps be trying to convince yourself, but you will not convince me.”
She could not have caused more physical pain if she had smacked him across the face.
“Madam, I demand that you speak plainly with me. I would have you tell me whatever it is that troubles you, so that I might defend myself. I cannot believe you are saying this based on what happened months ago. I had assumed that we had moved past that, but perhaps I was mistaken.”
“I speak of you and your despicable cousin, and of all of your allegedly illustrious peers, for your standards of righteousness have no merit with me.” She was obviously agitated, but he would not respond, rather he sat there staring at her, indignant at her unmerited attack.
“Tell me, how many women have you lain with since our marriage began?”
That question brought Darcy unmitigated shock. “Pardon me. What are you talking about? Elizabeth, you offend me and my honour.” He looked away, clearly shaken, and then turning back to her said, “I demand an apology for that question, Elizabeth. You have insulted me completely and utterly.”
“But you do not deny it.”
“I have been with no other. I would add since our marriage vows , but I could speak of much longer than that.”
“You lie.”
“I demand you tell me what you think you know.”
“Is Aphrodite a friend of yours? Or perhaps you make it a habit of visiting whorehouses in order to obtain intellectual stimulation?” If he had been shocked before, it was nothing compared to now, and his expression could not hide his distress. “You cannot deny your knowledge of her.”
“How...? Elizabeth, please let me explain….”
“There is nothing you can say that can absolve you of your iniquity, so please save your breath to cool your porridge.” Tears of ire and of heartache began their descent anew, as she looked away to hide her vulnerability.
“I am sorry if I have hurt you with my actions, but please listen while I explain, I beg you.” He reached over to touch her arm, and she pulled away with a jerk that belied her weakened state.
“When I left here in January, I was exceedingly despondent and not at all hopeful. While in town, I took time considering what needed to be done. I admit that I had reached a low point in my expectations of our marriage. One night, while at my club, I was speaking with some acquaintances, including Langston.” He stopped here and looked at her, knowing that his cousin’s name would cause her grief.
She made no movement, still facing away from him.
“Well, the group alighted upon the topic of Madame Karina’s, a bordello that caters to the elite.
The group decided to go, and I went with them.
” Elizabeth then became noticeably agitated; her hands trembled as she continued to wipe her eyes.
He wanted to reach out to her, for his own sake if not hers.
He would not have said this much, but he needed to be completely honest with her.
She knew of his visit to the establishment, but she did not know all.
“I spent the whole of the short journey there telling myself why going was a good idea. I had convinced myself that the scheme was perfectly acceptable, even respectable. Aphrodite was the woman to whom I was assigned.”
“Stop! I beg you to stop!” she cried covering her ears.
“Elizabeth, while in the holding room, I began to have second thoughts and had resolved to leave the place altogether, but then the proprietor came to get me and take me to the room.
I told her that I needed to leave, but she led me on, and I obediently followed.
“ Darcy was speaking quickly now, trying to get out his story before causing greater distress.
“When the door opened to the room, a woman, no a girl, was there who greatly resembled you. I felt like I had been in a trance, but when I laid eyes on her, I knew I had to leave, but I must confess that I did not want to.” She looked at him horrified, wet faced.
“I asked God to deliver me, for on my father’s grave, I wanted to stay and would have, I am certain, if not by some kind of divine intervention.
“Elizabeth, I am thankful beyond my own understanding that I did not linger, but it was not by my strength, for I had never felt weaker. Please believe me when I say that I had never in my life visited a brothel before. I have always thought them to be beneath me, but I was disenchanted with our marriage and had begun to think, like many others of my peers, that given our circumstances it was the only possible way to contentment. Now I know that it would have been the path to destruction and to the ruination of our marriage.”
“Do you expect me to find comfort in your desire to hire a whore only after being married to me? Am I so disgusting to you that you would be driven to a trespass you had never considered before – if what you say is indeed the truth?”
Darcy could not stop the tears that came to his own eyes as he saw the hurt in hers.
“I am not the same man, Elizabeth. Something happened to me while in town, even that night. I know this sounds odd, but it was as though Providence was showing me that I had nothing to offer anyone, that even my best intentions were based on a vicious pride. I learnt that in truth I was no better than any other profligate. It was a lesson that I needed, I must have.” He tried to reach over to her, but she pulled away yet again.
“I am so very sorry for hurting you. When I got home, I thanked God again and again for delivering me from my weaknesses, from my perversity. I would never hurt you purposely, and I would not hurt you now. I had hoped you would not learn of my transgression, since nothing came of it. But Elizabeth, you need to know that it was never about you or any deficiencies on your part. I was the one lacking. You are a beautiful and very desirable woman; you must know that I feel that way. I even then came to the conclusion that I could not – I would not – come to your room without your invitation and willingness, and I had begun to lose heart, fearing that you would never want me, so I gave in to my vulnerabilities – but no, I have never once found you lacking.”
“And what about your mistress?” Elizabeth said in anger and heartache.
“My what?”
“Miss Wainwright.”
At this he looked utterly puzzled. “Miss Wainwright is not my mistress.”
“Your aunt seems to think she is for she told Mary, and that you and she share a son. Can you expect me to believe that she would spread such rumours about her own family if they were not true?”
“I cannot tell you what my aunt might do, but I can assure you that Miss Wainwright is not my mistress. I barely know the woman.”
“Then how do you explain going to see her, an unmarried woman, with a child who favours you? How do you explain supporting them financially?”