Page 54 of Obligation and Redemption
When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.
Victor Hugo
Elizabeth awoke to the stirring of the fire occasioned by her maid adding some logs to the hearth.
She had slept little, yet again, after her traumatic evening on the first night of her already bleak marriage.
With little sleep, many tears and a fair amount of wine, she felt poorly and uninspired to arise for the day.
Elizabeth watched without moving as Laura quietly replaced the poker to the rack.
She could not motivate herself to get up, so she lay there despondently reflecting upon the previous night’s events.
Emotions warred within her, each trying to take dominance over the others: shame for her lack of fortitude in such a common-place event, for all women who married had undergone the same ordeal; sorrow for her former life to which she could never return; despair for her loss of hope in ever being loved as she had so longed; and fear for their next encounter.
How can I ever look him in the eye? He has managed to single-handedly knock all of the whimsical impertinence off my face.
Elizabeth kept her eyes closed hoping her maid would not notice that she had awakened.
Laura finished her task that was usually reserved for the housemaid, and departed into the dressing room, allowing her mistress to continue to sleep in privacy.
On the previous night the maid had been on alert for the mistress to summon her after Mr. Darcy’s departure.
She could tell that Mrs. Darcy was frightened about the events to come, no matter how secure she tried to appear.
As soon as she had heard the bell, she hastened to the mistress’s chamber.
She was disheartened to see the look of anguish on Mrs. Darcy’s countenance.
Laura rushed over to her mistress who was kneeling on the floor by the bell pull, concerned about her distress.
“Mrs. Darcy, are you well? Let me get you something to drink. Wine, may I get you some?”
Elizabeth leaned into this woman who in so short a time had become her sole source of comfort.
Laura was about ten years Elizabeth’s senior and quite lovely.
She had a compassionate countenance about her that reminded her of Jane, and Elizabeth felt that she could become a loyal servant if not confidante.
Due to the difference in circumstances, they could never become close companions, but they could establish a relationship built on mutual respect.
Whatever the future felicity between the two might bring, on this night Elizabeth needed a friend.
She did not immediately respond to her maid’s questions as she allowed the woman to embrace her, providing soothing words of comfort.
Elizabeth could not betray her vows to her new husband so quickly into their marriage by dishonouring him with expressions of her dismay concerning the momentous event that had just taken place, the event that stripped her of her innocence.
Elizabeth must make certain that the woman before her would only consider Elizabeth to be experiencing the physical pains that losing one’s chastity would inflict .
“Forgive me for my weaknesses. I am well.” She continued to lean into the maid. “Perhaps a little wine.”
“Of course, ma’am.” Laura departed to poor a glass and handing it to her said, “I have some wet cloths to clean you up a bit. Allow me to get them for you.” Elizabeth then looked down to where the maid’s eyes had veered and saw that she had blood on her gown.
She could not disguise her look of horror.
Elizabeth stood and hobbled to the dressing room, “No, I will come in there.” As Elizabeth stood, she glanced to the bed where the soft glow of the single candle illuminated where she had lain.
In dismay, she saw the evidence of Mr. Darcy’s visit; blood stained the sheets as if she had begun her courses during the night.
She could no longer wonder at the physical discomfort as she bore witness to the evidence of her affliction.
Her face turned crimson when she glanced to the woman before her.
“Mrs. Darcy, you are now a married woman. The consummation of your marriage is perhaps a burdensome undertaking, but you have no need to feel shame or embarrassment with me. I am here to help you to recover. It is not just my duty, but also my pleasure. Please allow me to help you without feeling unease.”
“You must think me a silly creature,” Elizabeth said with an unsuccessful lightness, then continued in earnest, “I thank you for your solicitude.” Elizabeth slowly followed her maid into the dressing room.
“You remind me of my sister, Jane. You have her kind eyes.” Laura looked to her with a small smile and nod.
No other words were spoken while the maid helped wash away the evidence of her former virginity that Mr. Darcy had valued so highly.
After cleansing Mrs. Darcy, Laura stripped the bed of the sheets.
A replacement set was waiting in the dressing room.
Laura performed the task quickly and efficiently, for her usual duties included that of a housemaid.
As an intelligent, educated woman, Laura was being groomed to one day follow in the housekeeper’s footsteps.
As such, she had been given a variety of duties that would train her to supervise all aspects of managing a household, including lady’s maid.
About an hour after Laura had been summoned, she turned to leave Mrs. Darcy to her own ruminations.
“Mrs. Darcy, if you have want of anything during the night, you need only ring the bell.” At that she left.
After hearing nothing from her mistress the following morning, she attended the room, trying hard not to wake Elizabeth, who had been up most of the night, unable to sleep after her emotional and physical trauma.
Without consent, Elizabeth’s mind kept replaying the scene.
She felt like she could never face the man again.
The mortifying truth, however, was that she would have to face him each day of her life, and that he would likely repeat the heinous act before she could recover from this one.
Elizabeth was not fashioned to give in to despondency, but she had rarely, if ever, felt this degree of hopelessness – to be married to a man whom she could not respect, giving him her body in a most humiliating manner – it was too much.
She attempted sleep without success and finally fell into a fitful slumber after having heard a distant clock strike four.
Two nights of fretful sleep had given her a languor that kept her fixed to her bed.
She could not think of one reason to rise except for nature’s call, which would not be silenced, so she sat up and stumbled her way to the dressing room.
Laura offered assistance, but Elizabeth expressed that she only wished to return to the bed.
“I will have some water brought up for a bath when you feel that you are ready to start the day. I can have a tray brought to your room as well.”
“Perhaps later.”
DARCY HAD ARISEN AT HIS USUAL TIME, which was early for being in town, and entered the small dining room where they had eaten the evening before, and where he usually broke his fast. He did not expect his new wife to be there so early; he had informed her where breakfast would be served and thought that she would eventually make her way down.
After drinking some coffee and reading the paper, he began to wonder if she would come down at all.
He suspected she was an early riser based on their initial encounter, but perhaps he had judged incorrectly.
Darcy was hungry but did not want to begin his meal without her, so he sent a footman to enquire as to when Mrs. Darcy might make a showing.
The footman returned to inform him that his wife was still asleep and likely not to make it down for breakfast, so he ate alone and then went to his study to continue sifting through his pile of correspondence and invitations.
When she did not appear for a light luncheon, Darcy had a message delivered to her to ensure she would make a showing for tea in the afternoon. Darcy could not know that his request would cause such anxiety for his wife.
She had received the summons while she sat at her writing desk in her room.
Elizabeth felt unequal to facing Mr. Darcy and cowardly kept to her own chamber, hoping he would not venture there.
She had eaten not a thing since waking up despite her maid bringing in trays for breakfast and luncheon.
The only thing she could accomplish was a bath in which she lingered until the water became tepid.
She had felt a need to soak and clean. How does one go from feeling shame when confronted with physical attentions from a gentleman to acceptance after a thirty-minute marriage service and a name change?
No, it would take her time to get past her feelings of defilement, no matter their lack of justification.
When it was time for tea, Laura approached her yet again as Elizabeth gazed into the fireplace. “Ma’am, I thought you might want to know that ‘tis tea time, and as you are aware, the master requested your attendance. May I help you prepare?”
After a cursory look of panic, Elizabeth quickly took control of her expression and smiled at her maid’s continued kindness.
“Can you wait a moment?” The maid nodded and Elizabeth sat at her desk and penned a short note informing Mr. Darcy of her inability to attend him at tea, but that she would join him for dinner.
She handed the note to Laura who was not privy to its contents.
“I will not be going down to tea but will try to make dinner. Can you come to assist me thirty minutes before it is time to go down? ”