Page 65 of June: Jess' Story

A weird feeling starts to settle over me. It’s loneliness and guilt and a longing. It’s all the things weighing me down. It’s loving people who’ll always love someone else more. It’s about keeping secrets from your best friend. It’s about keeping secrets from everyone. With a sigh, I open my messages back up.

Jess

Eden and I made it. Just wanted to let you know.

Tom

Okay. Have a good holiday.

Wasn’t really expecting more, but I’d hoped. I just want someone to talk to…

Jess

Hey, are you going to be at Brit’s for Thanksgiving?

Damian

Nope, you’re on your own. Well, I guess not anymore, huh? Your fiancé will be there… ??

Right.

How come you didn’t say anything?

Did you think I’d be mad?

No

Just didn’t feel right to tell anyone until Brit knew.

Don’t love the direction that’s going. I slip my phone in my pocket, grab my daughter, and head downstairs to figure out what the hell there is to eat here.

EIGHTEEN

Alex

You know when you get that new toy/bike/expensive gadget for Christmas, and it’s the one thing you’ve had on your list for like five years? And you finally get it? And you’re just fucking obsessed with it? You don’t want to put it down. You want to be with/around/doing the thing just constantly, right?

Right.

I can’t fucking keep my hands to myself. I think it’s confusing her. I know I’m confused. She practically sticks her tongue down my throat, but then ices me out on the drive home. She leans into me when I wrap an arm around her waist, but then she avoids me while we eat dinner. Which, to be fair, she’s busy feeding E…

Her phone starts vibrating against the kitchen counter, and I look down to see new texts from Damian.What the fuck?

“Hey, your phone,” I point down at it when she looks over at me from the eat-in table.

She walks over to get it, and when she looks at the messages she sort of gets this weird look.Here we go again.I drop my plate in the sink, grab a beer and walk away.

I don’t really drink, to be honest. At least not tojustdrink. Which I guess I’m not really just drinking to drink right now. I’m drinking because I’m pissed. Probably not healthy.

I walk out to the back deck, down the nearly 50 stairs to the lake and just stand at the edge of the empty dock looking at the dark water. It’s cold. Not snow cold, but cold enough I’m regretting not grabbing a jacket.

A strong gust kicks up along the lake, blowing loose pine needles out and swirling into the water.Georgia.

Whenever it gets windy now, I think of my mom. Spread her ashes in Spearhead Lake this past summer. I can still see her ashes slip into the breeze and blow away. A life half lived, just dust in the wind. That’d be me, too.

Half lived.

When it’s Jess, though…nothing feels half measured. I feel like I’m all in. I feel like…I need to just tell her the truth and how I feel, and see if she still wants to stick around. But maybe she won’t, and maybe that’s what I deserve. Maybethis, living in my dream home with my dream woman who’s not really mine and is texting my best friend, is all I deserve.