Page 48 of June: Jess' Story

Tommy drops his head, clearly distraught.

“What if we paid you?”We?Eww. No. Even more of a no than it was before.

“That’s a hard no.” I’m mentally patting myself on the back for not getting up and screaming,“Fuck you!”

“Okay…”

“I want a divorce.” It just comes out.

“Okay…” he says again, not entirely surprised.

“I don’t want anything, I won’t contest the prenup, I just want primary custody of Eden. You can come visit her whenever you want. But I can’t move to Taiwan and I have to stop prioritizing other people’s lives, including yours.” When he doesn’t immediately say anything, I add, “I deserve to be happy, too.”

He eventually nods, maybe gets misty eyed, but surprisingly, I don’t. The sense of relief is almost immediate. I guess I’ve moved into bargaining. Before you know it, Tommy will just be a memory I sometimes look back on. It feels good. Better than good.

I’m ready for my fresh start.

September 22, 2023

It’s been ten years since the first time I came here. (Seven years since the last time.) But since we’re moving to New York (today), I thought we’d say goodbye.

Eden and I would have picked up flowers if our SUV wasn’t filled to the brim with suitcases and clothes. Since I didn’t want to pay for movers, all we’re taking is what fits in the car. Eventually I’ll go back for the rest of our stuff, but since Tommy isn’t there, it’ll keep for a little.

In an effort to avoid being on the road too late today, Eden and I arrive at the cemetery early morning. (Definitely want to be in New York before rush hour.) So it’s only a quarter past nine when we reach Amy and Tally’s gravestones. (And okay, maybe I wanted to come early so there wasn’t a chance of running into Alex. I’m sure he still comes here. And I’m sure the sight of him kneeling over his wife’s grave would completely annihilate me.)

The weather’s mild today, just a slight breeze with cool air behind it on this sunny morning. I sit down criss-cross applesauce and place Eden in my lap, hoping I've got maybe three minutes before she gets bored of sitting still.

Hey, Ames…moving back to NYC today…

I haven’t had this issue before, but I’m at a loss for what to say. What to share or talk about. My mind can only think one thing, and it’s like if I can’t say it, I should just leave and not say anything at all.

I think I might have fallen in love with your husband.The tears form in my eyes and I don’t do anything to stop them. I didn’t say it out loud. (Obviously.) But I feel like I may as well have with how surprised I am at the spoken thought.

I think I might have loved him.(Past tense. I don’t let myself love people who can’t love me back the same way anymore.)

Even though it’s only been a minute, at most, I hoist Eden back up, standing with her on my hip.

I don’t think I’ll come back again. I just hope wherever the two of you are, you’re together and happy, or at least at peace. Goodbye, Amy. Bye, Tally.

As we walk back to the car, Eden places a hand against my damp cheek and I move her hand to my mouth and place a big kiss on her open palm.

“Just you and me, baby.”

If you think moving back into your childhood bedroom after college is depressing, just wait till you're a soon-to-be divorcée in your 30s…moving back into your childhood bedroomwithyour child.

It’s demoralizing.

“Oh, stop it already. It’s not the end of the world. You just moved back to the greatest city on earth!” May comes in, toting Eden with her and just like she found me last time, I’m laid out on my bed staring at the ceiling where there’s still tape from my Lance Bass poster.

I’ve never dated anyone with blonde hair before.(I never dated Alex. I think I just fell in love with him.)

Dating.Holy shit. I might have to dothat…again.No, actually. I don’t think I will. There’s comfort in that thought.

“May, I need a job,” I say, rolling over and propping my head up.

“Okay. Go get a job.” I laugh at her overly simplistic answer. I’ve worked for Britain for so long, I’m worried I’m not cut out for the real workforce anymore.

“Okay. I will. Any suggestions?”