Page 109 of June: Jess' Story

I shrug. “It’s not like it was real. He was just doing it to help me win custody of Eden.” Damian looks like he just found out Santa isn’t real. “But listen,” I put my head back on his shoulder because the full weight of my head on my body hurts. “I don’t want to argue over whose dick is bigger here.” It’s his. Damian has a big dick.Eww, stop.Should not be thinking about his dick.

I stand up hurriedly at the intrusive thought, but Damian grabs my hand and pulls me back to sitting.

“It wasn’t real?” he asks, disbelief still written all over him.

“Nope. I mean maybe it was at some point, but it’s certainly not now.”

“Huh,” he says, staring at me intently. My face flames and I’m not sure if it’s from the hangover or the discomfort growing in the bottom of my stomach. (Which could also be the hangover.)

“I’m too hungover to chat. Can you take me home?”Home. Hate that word.

“Yeah, let’s go,” he says, but he doesn’t release my hand or make any move to stand.

“Do you ever wonder…” I see him visibly swallow.The answer is yes,but I can’t do this right now.

“Wonder what?” I ask, playing dumb.

He gives me that one-dimpled half smile and says, “Never mind, buttercup.” And I laugh then wince.

“Oh no, none of that.” My hand holds my forehead. “No laughing or I might puke.”

“Well, if you do, aim for the sweater.” He picks Rudolph up off the bed.

“I’m gonna burn that thing.”

“Really? I was thinking about framing it.”

“So you can memorialize the worst day of my life?”

“Your worst, my best.”Huh?

“What?” I ask because I didn’t hear him.

“Nothing,” a single dimple pops. “Are we heading straight home or do you need a little more time?”

I hesitate because the way he says home makes me feel funny. Hate that word. “Back to Brit’s,” is what I settle on, but that feels weird, too.Huh.

“How do you do it?” I ask Damian who’s sitting on the couch beside me.

“How do I do what?” he asks.

“How do you be around someone you love? How do you watch that person move on and be happy and be fine with it?” I’m not even around Alex, and I can barely stomach the thought. Christmas at Britain’s house has been challenging. And even though Alex didn’t show for family dinner, thank god, Caleb did. And somehow that was worse. If Caleb’s here, Alex is probably still there, too. Just a half mile away sitting in his dream house with his wife.

“Well…” he stares at the ceiling, “The truth is I haven’t really been happy or finewith it. But I’ve gotten good at pretending.”

“Not there yet.”

“You’ll get there,” he says and I take another sip. The ice cubes clink against the glass and I listen to the squeals of Eden as Jamie blows raspberries on her belly. I listen to Carly scolding Luna for eating food off the table. I listen to the chatter of the family that surrounds my best friend. There’s grandparents and kids, big kids and little, and there’s laughing, and Christmas music is playing softly in the background.

“I just always wanted this.” It comes out without my consent.

Damian silently wipes a tear off my face. “And you’ll have it, someday.” He places a soft kiss on my cheek and as he leans away, he says, “Merry Christmas, Jess.” And then he leaves, and I’m once again all alone. But now it’s also Christmas.Perfect.

I don’t leave my spot for the rest of the night, not until it’s time for Eden to go to bed and Tommy and I take her to the apartment for the nighttime routine.

“It’s nice having you guys around…” Tommy practically beams under my praise. “To help with Eden. She needs you guys.” I’m not sure that’s how he anticipated that going.

“I’m back in two months, and…”