Page 37 of June: Jess' Story
“Of course.”
Britain picks up a groggy Eden from her nap, changes her diaper and totes her upstairs to her primary suite. Setting herself and Eden up on the bed with a set of play car keys, she tosses me a phone off her bedside table.
“Read the messages from Liam,” her only instructions. So I do. I read each one, and with each one, I feel more and more angry and…jealous. She has this guy by the fucking balls.
Just like Damian would jump off a cliff, Liam would buy her an island.Thenhe’d build a grandstand on the edge of said cliff, on said island, so she could sit and watch him push every one of her enemies over the edge before falling on his own sword if it might make her happy.
“So, what do you want to do about it?” I ask her once I’m finished.
“I don’t know, Jess,” she says, sounding completely uncertain.
“I think after today,” (Liam, showing up in Spearhead. And him begging for forgiveness), “and allthis, it’s pretty clear that he loves you. And it’s pretty clear to me that you still love him, too.”
“I don’t disagree,” she says, sort of trailing off.
“So?” It’s so fucking obvious.
“So…I’m seeing someone else. And it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes trust and communication, two things Liam has proven to me to be lacking.”
My blood is boiling. “You do remember yesterday, when I could barely get you to admit you liked Matthias, right?” She literally could have lived without the guy yesterday.
“I like Matthias, there’s something there.” Her voice is quiet. I know she thinks she’s being honest, but she’s not.
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” It comes out a bit saltier than I mean it to. I can see it the moment it leaves my lips because her little mouth turns down in a frown.
“Are you mad at me right now?” She treads gently. I’ve never actually been mad at her. I’m not mad at her now. I’m just…mad.
“I’m not mad at you, but I am frustrated. You love Liam. Liam loves you.” (Only someone blind and deaf could miss it.) “From what I can tell, it’s the end-all-be-all type of love. The mythical kind of love you read about, but don’t experience. And you’re just going to mess with some other guy’s emotions because you have something to prove to Liam? Yourself? It’s wrong. Sit and think on it, and if afterwards you can honestly tell me you are over Liam or don’t love him anymore, then you should go out with Matthias. But if you can’t do that, let him go. Don’t make him a pawn in your game because if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want that either.” (Clearly I’m projecting and not in a good way.) My friend looks like I’ve just struck her.
“This morning you were pumped about me going out with Matthias, though,” she defends herself. I want to roll my eyes at her, but I can’t do it. I'm misdirecting all my negative thoughts and feelings towards her. It’s incredibly unfair of me.
“I think these text messages and Liam coming back make a difference. I know you’re smart enough to see that whether you want it to or not, Liam being here changes things. If you feel strongly about Matthias, then wait. Wait till you’re sure you can get over Liam. Otherwise you run the risk of doing things you’ll regret and hurting people who don’t deserve it along the way.”
I sigh before continuing, “I am grumpy, so I’m sorry this is all coming out in a bitchy tone. I will always be Team Britain, so if you want to date Matthias, I will root you on. I just don’t want you to make the same mistake as…someone I know. That’s all.” (Almost said Tommy, fuck.) I hope she hears me though, because I will always be Team B. Period. Till the end of time.
“Someone you know?” She questions me, one light brown eyebrow popping up. (Don’t want to deal with this right now, can’t actually.)
“Want to go swimming?” I ask, popping up from my spot on the bed like I’ve just had the greatest desire to throw myself under water for a little while. (Maybe even a long while.)
“What?” She shakes her head, not missing my act of deflection. “No, I want my best friend to talk to me about what’s going on.”
“I’m not ready. Not yet.” That’s all I can give without becoming an emotional wrecking ball.
“I can respect that. Honestly, I can. But not forever, okay?” She tries and succeeds at making eye contact with me.
“Okay.” This is where things get difficult. Sometimes I want to be an open book and tell her everything. About me. About her brother. But then…I clam up. I never want to lose her friendship.
“You know, I’m Team Jess, too, right?” She reminds me. I sort of half smile, and like word vomit, I push down all the things I’d love to talk to her about, but can’t yet. Instead I nod. She reaches over, pushing a piece of my dark brown hair out of my eyes to make sure I can see how sincere she’s being and I nod again.
“So then I guess I should make a decision about Matthias, right? Do you think I should cancel our date?” This poor babe, she’s so conflicted, and all I’ve done is made things more convoluted for her. My role here is support, get her to the other side. It’s not my job to tell her what side that is.
“I don’t know, Brit,” I sigh, feeling like maybe I’m about to say the wrong thing, but perhaps it’s the right thing for Brit. “Maybe go on the date and get your answer that way. Maybe you go, and if it doesn’t feel good, you’ll know it’s not what you want. Or maybe you go, and it’s better than you expected, and the feelings deepen, and you realize it’s worth it to move forward with Matthias.” Felt wrong saying it.
“Right…yeah, I think I’m going to go. But after that I have to make a decision one way or the other. Hold me to it, please?” A part of me wants to yell at her, that she has two amazing men that aren’t Matthias willing to go to bat for her, and that she should abandon this ship. But it’s not my place, so I hold my tongue.
“I will,” I say, then imagine how my life could have been if someone had had this talk with Tommy.
“Wanna start Queen Charlotte before dinner gets here? I’ll make you amargaritaaaa…'' She asks in the most ridiculous voice, and it makes me smile.