Page 104 of June: Jess' Story

And I scream because it’s final.

I only stop screaming when my voice breaks. So I sit on the dock, knees into my chest, and rock back and forth until eventually Liam drapes a blanket across my shoulders. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t stay. But there’s a solidarity there. An understanding when you feel like you might have given it your all and still missed the mark.

I sit out on the dock looking at the gray morning sky. No sun (it’s fitting). And I promise myself, for myself and for my daughter, that the next time the sun comes out, I’ll be fine.

I won’t be over it. I won’t be better, but I’ll be fine.

It’s the Friday before Christmasand the sun has decided to grace us with its presence. So I shower, blow dry my hair, put on some concealer to hide the bags, and throw a merry-fucking-smile on my face. To top it all off, I’ve got on my ugly Christmas sweater, too.

With the dads arriving today, I take a deep breath in and out and repeat mentally:I will be fine.I am not good. I am not better, but I am fine.I will be fine.

Liam offered to pick them up from the airport, but I said I’d do it. It’ll give me a chance to tell them they’re actually staying at Brit’s and not, well, not…mine and Alex’s house.Alex. I don’t really let myself think about him. Not since the day at the dock, really. (The holidays are good for helping you stay busy like that.)

I’d asked May to come as an added buffer around the dads, but her and Ellen had already made plans to visitherkids. It stung, but I got over it because I’ve maybe been a shit daughter lately, and May deserves to be happy, too.

You deserve to be happy also.I do. I will. (Just get comfortable. It might be a couple years.)

I’m leaving Eden with Brit and the girls because the dad’s flight gets in right at naptime, and it just doesn’t make sense to rock that kind of boat today. So as soon as Eden wakes up, I’ll change her, make a bottle and head next door.

I throw a piece of sourdough in the toaster and wait.Jam or just butter?I open the fridge and get lost in what feels like the biggest question I’ll face today.Strawberry jam or blackberry jam?(Second biggest question I’ll face today.)

Shrill-sounding yelling has my stomach twisting with nervousness. It’s Brit.

I slam the fridge shut and run to the front door, pulling it open.

“How could you!?” she yells. Alex says something in return, but it’s too quiet and I can’t hear. I look at the driveway to see a Maybach idling.Huh,that’s not really his speed.And because I can’t help myself (and because I think I already know), I slowly step down the stairs. The whole time, I’m willing there to be a different outcome, but it’s like I already know.

When I get to the foot of the apartment stairs, I can see the whole car now and in the passenger seat, sitting like a princess, is some cute blonde. She sees me so I give her a polite wave. And she smiles and waves right back.

I turn back to look at my best friend and her brother because they’ve stopped arguing now and are both just staring at me. And I don’t know what my face must look like, but I’m going to go with horrified. At best. Terrified at a minimum. However I must look, it’s being reflected back at me by those two.

I loved you,flits through my mind lightning fast.

This is how the story goes, right? I always knew I wasn’t the princess in the tower. I guess I didn’t fully realize I was the wicked witch, or maybe the evil step sister. But as it turns out, I was just the supporting cast all along.

My mom senses kick in and I know I have to go. Eden’s probably up by now. So I try to moderate my steps back upstairs. Not too fast, not too slow. (Look at me, I’m normal. I’m fine!) As soon as I open the door, I hear Eden crying.Yup. I pick her up, hold her tight to my chest, and I rock her, soothing myself probably more than I’m soothing her.

“We’re okay. We are going to be just fine,” I tell her in the softest voice I canmuster. And then I tell her again. And again.

A gentle knock at the front door sends my heart racing and my thoughts spiraling.It’s not him, is it?It’s Brit. That gentle knock belongs to Brit.

Eden and I walk to the door, and I’d be lying if I said my hand didn’t shake the whole way there. I open the door and my stomach rolls because it’s not Alex.It was supposed to be Alex.I know I told myself it was Brit, but that was me trying to temper my expectations. But it’s Brit with a completely shit look on her face.

I shake my head, begging her not to tell me.

“He got married.” Of course he did. “I’m so sorry, Jess.”

Still in an oversized robe (probably Liam’s), Brit ushers me away from the door, but I step around her to see the Mercedes that cost more than most people’s homes pull out of the driveway.

You knew it was over, Jess. You knew it was final.I guess I’m still somehow shocked that was true…

The cold stings my bare feet on the top stair, but I can’t bring myself to step away. To lose sight of his car.

“W-why did he get married?” I ask, again dazed.Thunderstruck.Ravaged.

“Said he was wasted in Vegas and decided to take the plunge.” That’s fucking stupid. Men are fucking stupid. And Alex would never do something that wasn’t calculated or strategic. No. I bet he wasn’t even drunk.

“I’m sure they’ll be wildly happy, won’t they?” I say. Not to Brit, just more so to the universe. The universe will confirm it for me. (I don’t doubt it because this is someone else’s fairytale, remember?)