Page 100 of June: Jess' Story

And that’s how I know it’s not real. He’s just doing this out of some weird guilt-fueled obligation. No, thanks.

Eden babbling aimlessly wakes me up. This is how it goes most mornings. Like clockwork, really. At 7:00 A.M. it’s either whimpering, babbling, or all-out screeching.

Before I pick her up from the crib, I double check the living room. Cracking the bedroom door the slightest amount, I peer into the small area and find it empty. Yeah, I mean, I knew it would be. (But hoped it wasn’t because I’m a fucking psychopath, too.)

I let the door open entirely, then pick Eden up out of the crib for her diaper change. She gets a morning bottle in bed while I shower and throw on a light dusting of makeup. I foolishly put the same clothes I was wearing yesterday back on. I’m being superstitious. And silly. If I dress up and try to look good, I will absolutely not see him. But…if I don’t, the odds increase that I will. Plus, no one here gives a fuck what I look like. It’s one of my favorite perks of living here that I never anticipated.

Next up, it’s Eden’s turn to get dressed. We grab a quick breakfast, just yogurt and bananas, because today is Wednesday and that means it’s sticky bun day at The Grounds.

“Do you wanna go see Miss Sandy?” Eden now knows Miss Sandy by name and by face. She might actually be her second favorite person.

Eden makes a little squeal and says, “Go!”

“That’s right, we go!” I echo. “Up!” I say to her and she lifts her arms for me to carry her down the outside steps.

Diaper bag, Eden, yep, that’s all I need. I open the front door and freeze because Brit’s old car is just gone.Oh. In its place is the Volvo. That’s not helpful. My shoulders drop slightly. I go to shut the front door, but notice the keys Alex placed on my entryway table last night are still there. The keys to the Volvo.

No. We are not doing this. We just won’t get sticky buns today. Eden will most likely have a meltdown when we don’t go see Sandy this morning, but what else is new? It’s always something.

She knows it when we walk past the car.

“Go!” Eden says in between her paci.

“Yes, we’re going to see Brit and Liam!” I try to impart enthusiasm into my tone in hopes she’ll get excited about that.

“No.” She knows three words now. Hi, no, and go. No is my favorite. (Not really.)

“Yes!” I say, readjusting her weight on my hip as she squirms.

I open the front door to Brit’s house, and call out, “Hello!” like I always do. It only took walking in on Brit and Liam once, and now, never again.

I slip off my knockoff Boston clogs in the entryway, drop the diaper bag, then set Eden down where Luna immediately finds us. Then Eden andthe dog are off toddling after one another.

“Hey.”Fuck!A sleep-worn Alex sits up from the couch as I walk through the great room to the kitchen. He startles me and I jump back.

“Hi!” Eden bounds over to Alex without permission and climbs on to the couch, very slowly albeit, to sit beside him.

“Hi, E,” Alex says to her, leaning back on the sofa. Weird. This is weird.

“What are you doing here?” I ask blatantly.

“Waiting for you.” I shake my head and go to the kitchen for coffee.

I don’t wantthiscoffee. I wantmycoffee from The Grounds. The one Sandy makes me with pistachios. And I want him to go away. And I want you to be honest with yourself, Jess, because do you really want him to go away? Yes!

I know he’s in the kitchen with me. I can feel it.

“You’re messing up my routine,” I say to the Nespresso machine warming up in front of me.

“Sorry,” he says.

“On Wednesdays we get sticky buns and Eden gets to see Sandy.”

“Then let’s go get sticky buns and see Sandy.” He’s closer now. Too close.

“I don’t have a car to drive anymore,” I say through a tight jaw. And then his hand is on my hip.No. No, thank you.

“Jess,” my name comes out whisper soft. The hair on the back of my neck rises. I’m wishing I had worn panties today because suddenly it feels like I wet my damn pants.