Page 40 of June: Jess' Story
“Not from you,” I finally manage to get out. As if I wasn't already confused as shit by what’s happening here, Alex looks at me. I meanlooksat me. Not in the eyes. He checks out my breasts, my ass, the v between my legs that’s spread wide open in my squatted position. It’s quick, but I see it. It makes me irrationally happy for the briefest of seconds. No clue if he liked what he saw, but he saw me. (Also glad I opted for the coral bikini, LSpace, with the low cut bottoms. It makes my olive skin and dark hair pop.)
Dropping the cereal in the trash, I wash my hands, throw my hair up in a claw clip and get ready to leave. But he stops me.
“So, where’s Tommy?” He’s looking right at me now and my heart stops in my chest. Alex asking about Tommy makes me feel queasy.
“Asia.” That’s all I say, staring back at him.
“With Jamie?”
The color drains from my face. This fucking dick. He knows. He saw my text.
“Yeah, with Jamie.” I stop looking at him. “Thank you for the reminder.” I dry my hands off, then head for the mudroom where I slip on the first sweatshirt I find. I suddenly feel exposed and I hate it.
“Sorry, boutthat.” He says, going back to reading his newspaper.
I scoff, “I’m sure you aren’t.” I roll my eyes and shake my head.
“And how would you know?” he asks back, tone even, not invested in this conversation at all.
“Because I know you, Alex. Why are you even talking to me if not to hurt me?”
“Not true,” he says nonchalantly.
“Sure it is. But why? Why doyouget to hurt me? Why would you want to? Why do you care, huh?” He pulls his head back slightly like he’s surprised.
And then he gives me the most I’ve gotten from him in six fucking years. “Because you hurt me first.”
No. I shake my head. He has it all fucking wrong.
“Not possible.” I’m vehemently shaking my head back and forth.In order to hurt someone they have to care.“You,” I accuse trying to solidify my tone, “called me a distraction, a no-body.” He shrugs. Heshrugsand it deflates me like a three day-old balloon. “You made me feel so stupid,” I say, sounding (and feeling) about six inches tall. Just like I did when I overheard him talking about me.
He doesn’t say a word back. Not one fucking word.
“You know what, you were right, though. I am a distraction, just a ‘bump in the road,’ for a lot of people. So thank you for reminding me exactly who I am to everyone here.” I turn away, hiding my watery eyes, and march out the door with a baby on one arm, and the tote and Pack ‘n Play on my other.
In hindsight, sending that text to “Amy” may have been a mistake. Because now that I know Alex knows, I have to tell Brit. And then maybe it’s time for me to stop being a supporting cast member, and just pack up our things and go.
Alex
She overheard me?I try not to think about that night. Mostly successfully. I think abouther. A lot. Too much. But not that night.
I might have called her a distraction. I think I used the exact words calling her ‘a bump in the road.’ I think I said something worse, too, but it’s fuzzy. Whenever I think about that night, I think about other things, and all I see is red, so yeah. I don’t remember exactly what I said. Jess does, though.Fuck.
Soon to be in my new nightmare rotation will be Jess in that little bikini telling me I made her feel stupid. Right on cue, there it is again, that fucking pain in my chest I felt when she just told me that.
I’m practically living the nightmare now. I can see it. Jess and Eden playing on the beach, laughing together, having not a care in the world. And then it’ll be fucking slow-motion torture watching her bounce up the deck stairs. I’ll have to rush to the kitchen island before she spots me, and then pretend like I don’t see her. Which is fucking impossible.
She’s this leggy little thing with an ass that’s too round, full as fuck breasts, and tan skin that doesn’t come from a bottle. And that hair. That hair has haunted me from the moment I saw it. That long Disney princess-type hair that she almost never wears entirely up. It’s always down and around her shoulders, a special kind of torture for someone like me.
That would be someone who’s dreamed about wrapping her hair around my fist while she moves over me.I’m so fucked.
It’s been six fucking years. And hating her, it’s been fucking miserable.
But maybe, for the first time I’m seeing it like I fucked her up first.Fuck!This doesn’t make shit better, though. It’s just the sixth circle of hell. Just another way this whole situation gets even more fucked.
I walk into the great room and stand at an angle from the large picture windows so no one can see me. And I watch her struggle. To set up the Pack ‘n Play with one hand. I should go down there. I’m actually itching to go because it’s painful to watch. And then she drops the Pack ‘n Play in defeat and uses her one free hand to wipe away tears from underneath her sunglasses.Fucckkkk. Alright, this might be worse than the chest pain earlier.
“Alex!” My niece Elodie exclaims from the front door.