Page 22 of June: Jess' Story

It’s miserable, this feeling. Being the outsider looking in.

They’re talking softly to one another and it reminds me of times I’ve seen them similar to this before. Times when I thought they just shared a tight bond, but now every time I’ll look back on the memories, I’ll wonder. I’ll question. I’ll grow sick with envy and jealousy.No, thank you. Unsubscribe.

I walk into the kitchen avoiding making eye contact with either of them and work on brewing coffee and putting together Eden’s morning bottle.

It’s only a minute before Jamie joins me in the kitchen.Fucker.

“I’m sorry, Jess.” I nod, putting my back to him as I measure out formula. I want to ask:Sorry for what???I want to scream, but I’m holding my cards (and feelings) a little bit tighter to my chest now and won’t be giving them the satisfaction of an outburst.

When I turn around to put the bottle in the warmer, I find Jamie staring at my nightgown, where it’s been ripped at the hem. It’s weird to see him jealous, but even weirder to know I’ve seen him like this before. Hundreds of times. I thought Jamie just wasn’t very fond of me. And well, I suppose he wasn’t. He was jealous.

“He told me the two of you had sex last night. You didn’t need to come down here in a ripped nightgown to prove a point. Or make me jealous.”

I rear back at the tone and the accusation, like he’s slapped me.Those are fighting words.“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Jamie?” I clap back and he shakes his head. Not because he’s saying no, but because he’s shaking out of whatever just came over him.

“Jess, I’m sorry. That was way out of line…” he trails off, probably thinking of all the things he wants to say to me, but doesn’t know how to.Same.I’m thinking of questions, I’m thinking of accusations, I’m thinking of hurtful words. But does any of it matter?Not. At. All.

I know it’s over, regardless of what Tommy wants. Because, honestly, I’m not sure Tommy is being completely honest with himself when he says he still wants me. It wouldn’t take much for him to choose, and I’m almost positive he’d choose Jamie.

I imagine a car barreling down the street towards the three of us, Jamie and I unaware, and Tommy’s the only one with the power to save us. With one on either side of him, he can’t save both. Who does he push to safety?It’s not me.

I give Jamie a sad look and he knows, like I know. One random night of sex, one ripped nightgown is nothing to whatever they have.

He opens his arms, offering me a hug with a question on his face, but I shake my head.Not yet. I’m not ready yet.I think he understands because he drops his arms and works on making me a cup of coffee instead. Kudos to him (read: fuck all the way off, Jamie) because it’s even the right shade of brown. He passes it tome, a peace offering, andthisI’ll accept.

Tommy and Eden come find us. She’s a graspy little thing right now, squirming, hungry for her breakfast.

I watch, like an outsider, as Jamie takes his goddaughter (daughter?) from Tommy and sits at the kitchen island to feed her. He does it with ease. He’s done it before, he’ll do it again, but I think this is the first time I’m seeing him do it…as her dad.Don’t love it.This feeling, it’s a big nope. He gets to have Tommy…and my daughter? That’s bullshit. I look at Tommy and he sees the fight or flight rising in me.

He pulls me to his office on the first floor, closing the door softly and I wait. No clue what he’s planning to do or say.

“Jamie didn’t come here this morning to see me.” I scoff and give a roll of the eyes. Like hell he didn’t. “He was dropping off files I need to review,” he pauses, “because they want me on the Chen case…in Taiwan.” Normally I get bummed when he has to go to Asia for work. But not this time. Weird, but I guess that’s the new normal.

“I want you and Eden to come with us.”US. Come with Tommy and Jamie. Third wheel for real. I can see it: We’re walking in the airport, the two of them cuddled together, laughing with a giggling Eden. And then there’s me, trailing behind with a diaper bag and stroller. Title of that snapshot would read:“Gorgeous Family…and Their Nanny.”(Cute, right?)

My face is completely void when I shake my head back and forth. My eyes are glazed over because I can see how this is going to go down in the future. I can see another name for a different snapshot:“Two Successful Lawyers with a Beautiful House in Capitol Hill Want Full Custody.”Who wouldn’t give it to them?

I’m just me. Part-time assistant to my best friend. No real assets, thanks to Tommy’s lock-tight prenup and a lot of paychecks I’ve foolishly spent on shoes and vacations. Maybe I should have planned for this, but silly me for thinking when I got married, what does a prenup matter when I plan on staying married forever? When Tommy told me not to worry about retirement plans and credit card bills because he was taking care of me, I trusted him.

Now here we are…well, hereIam. (There’s no “we” here.)

I can see the resignation in Tommy. I can see the line in the sand. My refusal to go, him unable to force me (for now). The writing is on the wall, plain as day.

“I have to go, Jess.”

“I know. But Eden and I aren’t coming with you.” He’s never asked us to go before. Well, he’s never asked me before. It used to just be me. This will be his first international trip since Eden was born.

He nods, but it’s not a nod that says,“I’m backing down.”This is a nod that says,“I know I won’t win this battle, but don’t worry, I’ll win the war.”

“When do you leave?” I ask.

“This weekend.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?” He questions my nonchalance.

I shrug. “We can talk about it, or bide our time in this false sense of peace. It’s entirely up to you.” And it is. I’m fine either way.