Page 105 of June: Jess' Story

“I’m sorry, Jess. I just wanted you to hear it from me.”

“Uh huh.” I walk back into my crappy apartment (it’s not actually crappy, but I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself right now) and I make a bottle for my daughter.

“When is it too much?” I lean against the counter, hoping it will help keep me standing.

“When is what too much?” Brit asks, worrying her hands together.

“When do you hit your threshold and you know you can’t take anything more and that the only next logical thing is death? Because I don’t think I can take anything more. I’m maxed out on life, Brit.” There’s no tears which is oddly reassuring, but then again it’s a knife deep in the kidneys knowing that it was really, officially, and forever done for him and me.

“Okay, give me Eden.” She takes the bottle and the baby from me. “It only feels like the end right now. It will get better. You have us.”

“You have your own family, Brit. I have to find my own.”Do villains get their happy endings?

“No, you don’t. Youareour family. Not him, don’t count him.”

I shake my head at her. “Don’t say that, he’s your brother.”

“After today...” she trails off.

“He is. And he wanted this. Clearly. We would have been miserable together anyways.” Brit rests her head on my shoulder as I stare out into the abyss, wearing my thrifted ugly Christmas sweater and that same pair of $6 leggings.

TWENTY-NINE

Alex

Jess is a cancer.

I love you, Alex.

She’s not a parasite like I thought she used to be. No, she’s a disease. That infects you. She ruins you. She consumes you from the inside out. You have to cut out the disease so that you have a chance at living. You sacrifice the limb to save the body.

Well, I’m the one diseased.

And that’s what I’ve done. For me and for her.

I love you, Alex.

She said stay away, but I can’t.

So I gave myself a reason to. It came in the form of a gold band now circling my ring finger. I broke our contract so Jess can finally be free. She can take her trust, and her and Eden can live comfortably.

And Emma is nice. I can learn to care for her. I can make her happy.Money makes most people happy.And I’ll stay away from Jess because I’m married.

And if the wedding bandwasn’ta deterrent, how badly this hurts her is going to be.

I love you, Alex.

She’ll hate me now.Good.

I need her to. I need her to know that we are dead in the water, and now she can be happy with someone else because she was right. I’m never gonna get over it. So I need her to get over me.

She’s not going to be happy like we could be, no one could. But happy enough. Happier than me.

Men like me only get the amount of happiness they think they deserve. And I’d imagine I don't deserve shit.

“So, that was your sister?” The woman sitting in the passenger seat asks me quietly.

I nod. “Yeah.”