Page 113 of June: Jess' Story

“Can I ask about Alex?” he asks in the gentle voice he uses with me. That voice has become my safety net over the last year.

“Sure.”

“Do you love him?” he asks, hand at my back moving again.

“I thought I did.”

“Why didn’t it work out?”

“Because of you.”

“Me?” He sounds surprised.

I shrug against Damian’s warm body. “He thought you and I were…fucking.” (The irony, I know.) “And he just couldn’t get over that night.”

“I’m sorry.” He says it like he means it.

“It’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it is.”

“Well, it’s not.” It's really not. Alex is his own worst enemy, even if he thinks it’s me or Damian. “Tell me what happened with Summer. Please?”

“We’re just in different phases of life.”

“You sound like you’re being polite.” I chide him for giving me a politically correct answer when I gave him the actual messy answer.

He takes a deep inhale like he might tell me the truth, but instead says, “Maybe I’m feeling gracious at the moment.” I look up at him, and he looks down at me and smiles.

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” I ask, maybe teasing, but he is truly so beautiful. From his blue eyes and auburn hair, to the light dusting of hair on his chest, to his soul. We’ve all made mistakes, but I don’t hold his against him.

“Go to sleep, Jess.”

I laugh and go to roll over, but he doesn’t let me. He keeps me pulled into his side, the same hand that was on my back is now in my hair, sweeping against my scalp. Back and forth, lulling me away from the day, away from this week, away from this year.

In a whisper he says, “I won’t be here when you wake up. I just don’t want you to be surprised, okay?”

“Mmkay,” I say as the last bit of consciousness leaves me. It’s like my body knew what was coming and insulated my heart, pulling me into a deep slumber. It knew if it didn’t, my heart would be hurting.

He told me and yet, I’m still surprised. And disappointed. But it was just sex, right?Right. I take a quick shower so I don’t smell like my best friend's ex-husband and head upstairs.

I’m tempted to knock on Damian’s door, but it was just sex. So I don’t.

“Morning sunshine,” I greet Caroline already at the island with a cup of coffee. “You’re up early,” I note before opening the fridge to grab the creamer.

“Dad woke me up early to say goodbye.”Oh. My hands fumble the plastic bottle, sending it crashing to the floor. A literal representation of the ride my heart and stomach just took.

It was just sex.You’re not acting like it was just sex, Jessica.

Maybe when you reach a certain age, sex isn’t just sex. Or maybe when it’s one of your closest friends. Or maybe when it’s your best friend’s ex-husband it isn’t just sex. But that’s it, right? He’s ashamed, and doesn't want to tell Brit, so he left instead.Got it.

“Fuck,” I lean down to pick up the bottle that thankfully didn’t crack open. “Did you know he was planning to leave this morning?” I ask nonchalantly. (I’m coming to terms with the fact that I am actuallyverychalant.)

“No, we were supposed to go snowboarding for New Years, but he said something came up at work.” Definitely ashamed.

I plaster my fake smile on and tell Caroline I’m sorry her Dad left. “It’s okay, I think this whole Summer dumping him thing is getting to him.”

“Hmm,” I hum and nod my head while the inside of my body revolts. We were using each other then. “Maybe.”