Page 35 of June: Jess' Story

“What?” she asks when no one says anything.

I laugh to break the moment and say, “Girrlll, if you don’t want him, I do.” Damian immediately shoots me a look I can’t entirely discern, but it says something along the lines oftraitor. I feel that pang of guilt in my stomach, but keep up the act of being the excited and supportive friend. For Brit.

Brit immediately gives a lackluster, non-apologetic apology to Damian, “Sorry you had to see that, Damian.” He quickly looks at me where I’m smiling, fakely.

Then turning to Brit he says, “Yeah, I’m sorry, too. Probably could’ve gone the rest of my life without seeing that.” He gives me a disappointed look, avoiding eye contact with Brit, then stalks away, straight to the back porch.

The pang in my gut turns to a full piercing. Even when I brush Damian off and tell Brit not to worry about him, I’m still feeling like shit. And I’m not quite sure why. I can’t tell if it’s because he’s so hurt and pissed at Brit…or at me.

NINE

Jess

After another drama-filled morning between Liam and Brit, I’m desperate for a minute of solitude. He showed up at The Grounds this morning (where we picked up Caroline and Elodie from their sleepover) and a confrontation ensued.

Being here for her is the right thing. She fucking needs it, but at the same time, it’s hard. Because I just want to scream,“I’m not okay either! I need someone, too!”

When I finally get Eden settled down for a nap, for the first time since I’ve found out about Tommy (and Jamie), I’m truly alone. I’m grateful for a moment, until I curl into a ball on my bed and check my messages.

There’s one from May and one from our house cleaner. Then there’s one from Jamie. (Eyeroll.)

Jamie

I don’t know what just happened, but Tommy is beside himself. I’ve never seen him like this. I know you’re not trying to hurt him on purpose, are you?

Gag.He’s worried about me? Hurting Tommy? That’s fucking laughable. I may have let Tommy think there’s something more between Damian and I because fuck him. But there isn’t. (You and I both know that.)

I ignore Jamie’s text.

Tommy

I’m leaving. Hopefully I’ll be back in a couple weeks. If you change your mind, I’ve emailed you all the information you need. Addresses, offices, my assistant there. Reach out any time.

And I don’t know what you’re doing with Damian, but I’m going to hope it’s not what I think, Jess. I’m still hopeful. Okay? I still love you. Do you want me to not stay at Jamie's? Just tell me.

My stomach drops out. My chest hurts. Right, of course he’d stay with Jamie. That’s where he lives most of the time. He works at the Taiwan office, and I wonder: Would this have happened sooner if there weren't thousands of miles between them?

Jess

Stay with Jamie. Stay as long as you’d like. I likely won’t change my mind, but thank you for the information. If anything happens while you’re gone, I’ll do my best to let you know.

Dig, dig,little dig. I try, but if anything, I think the text reads a bit like one you’d send to your boss when you’ve just declined to take that business trip. Polite and to the point. And that’s exactly what this is, isn’t it? It’s transactional, and in this equation, I’m the superfluous one.

Hurt in my chest turns to a full-blown crack, it’s breaking. Officially. I’ve stopped moving long enough for the pain to erupt, multiply, morph into a beast all its own. And I’ve never felt like this before.

I grab the monitor and my phone and walk into the garage at Britain’s house. It’s the only place to hide now that her girls are home from their sleepover.

I press May’s name and wait, she doesn’t make me wait long though, bless her.

“Hi, JJ.”

“May.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.

“Jessie? What is it?” May asks, all quiet concern.

“Tommy is in love with Jamie.” I hear a gentle “Oh” from her end of the line. “They want to be together.” I can practically see May nodding along. She’ll have pushed her glasses to the top of her head and crossed her arms over her chest by now. She undoubtedly has me on speaker in her office, too.

“Tommy still wants me to be with them, though…but…I can’t.” A slight cry breaks out. But once a small cry breaks out, it leads to bigger crying, because with May, I can be anything. She letsme. And that includes being a small child, and crying like the boys were being mean to me at the park.