Page 29 of June: Jess' Story

Can’t blame the abuse or the rape on his addictions, because those didn’t come till later. He was just that shit of a human being.

After that day, I chose to live with him.

I was six. It was stupid, but in a way I’m grateful I chose that life. It made me who I am. I never had to worry about him hurting my mom or Britain. And all the shit he put me through ended up being the start of my training for my life in special operations.

I was already battle-worn and tough when I showed up to basic. They still broke me, but no one would ever break me to the same level that living with Ray Palomino did.

Britain escaped Ray completely, but got left to be raised as the unwanted byproduct of a night everyone wishes they could forget.

It poses the age-old question: Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I haven’t figured out the answer tothat yet myself. I think maybe I’ve been loved, but I’m not sold that I’ve loved. Except Tally. And Georgia, and Britain and her girls. But that’s a different kind of love. That’s protective love. Lay-my-life-down type of love. Not passionate love. Not sure that’s happened for me. It might have, or maybe it could have, but not yet.Hopefully at least.

That’s another reason I’m here. I’m trying to stick. Trying to see if there’s a chance for the two and a half kids, picket fence, and a dog. Though I’d settle for a warm body right now…Fuck, I didn’t mean it like that. I’d settle for a partner.Is that better?Maybe I don’t need the “normal” shit, but I’d take someone who understands me, a friend, someone to love and be loved in return.That’s not too much to ask, is it?

For people like me, though, it probably is. Not entirely sure I’m deserving of any of it. I’ve done horrible things in my life. I had a chance and I failed. I was a horrible husband, horrible father, and if it wasn’t for me, the two of them might still be here.

My palms get damp and my knee starts bouncing. The itch to go is almost unbearable now. It’d be easy, too. Everything I need is at Georgia’s house. I could just walk into the Sierra Nevada mountains and just…not look back. It’s tempting. So goddamn tempting.

But Brit needs you. Her girls need you.I can’t leave her. Again.

I pull up to my late mother’s house that I inherited when she passed, which is weird because I never even lived here, but Brit did. Yet all Georgia left Brit was a box.

It’s weird and it’s things like that that I resent Georgia for. Like leaving my sister a box filled with notebooks?Really, Mom? But not her childhood home?

Not much makes sense whenever I try to examine my mom’s life choices. And I’ve tried. All I can come up with is she was trying her best given some shit circumstances. Don’t know that I’ll ever agree or be on board with them, though.

I turn on the drip system to water the vegetable garden in the back, then head for the fridge. Should probably eat.

It’s a fucking miracle any of the appliances in here still work. The house is sort of crumbling, but I’m planning to sell it. I’m also just sort of dragging my feet about it because this place works as well as most at the moment.

It’s just a basic ranch house that was thrown together in the 70s. Was probably pretty nice in its heyday, but now it just needs work. The kitchen is a gut job, needs new siding, new roof, new flooring. Walls need to be redone and painted. I could work on it myself, but that’s not really my bread and butter. Doesn’t interest me, and I’ve got real work to do. Which reminds me, I can’t keep holding Blanks off.

I pull up his last message that’s a week old and an empty threat to track my ass down if I don’t respond.

A

Wouldn’t be much of a tracking job…you know where I am.

B

Now you’ll text me back!? Pick up your phone asshole!

Nah, don’t feel like it.

We owe Axe Corp an answer yesterday. If you don’t want to do it, just say so.

I don’t want to do it.

You fucking prick.

Sorry.

I’m not. I knew you’d want to stop doing this shit eventually, take a break. Just tell me sooner next time, ass clown.

Also, when do I get to come visit? Your hot sister single yet?

Not single for you. Also she’s sort of dating someone. I think.

The fuck, man? She moved on fast.