Page 46 of June: Jess' Story

Jess

“I wish you’d stay…” Brit says as she helps me fold and pack for our flight this afternoon. I look at her and give a soft smile, but she can’t talk me into staying. It doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore. I’m in the way.

My departure seems to have taken her by surprise. I think Brit planned for me to move into the apartment at Liam’s house as soon as we had “the talk.” The one where I told her that Tommy was in love with someone else. She’d mentally already planned out the next six months of my life, tacking me alongside hers. Just another afterthought. Side character.Supporting cast.

“I should really start figuring my life out, you know, post-Tommy?” I exhale, “It’s kind of hard when everyday's a vacation here...” I might mean that as a dig, because for all the drama Brit goes through, her life is a fucking cake walk.Now. It’s a cake walknow. I know it wasn’t always like this, but I’m jealous. (Okay? Yeah, I can fucking admit it.)

I put a stack of Eden’s pjs in the suitcase, then take a seat beside her on the bed. “Brit, green’s not my color.” (Not entirely true, I’ve rocked emerald before.) She looks up at me, every emotion right there on her face. Sad for me. Embarrassed. A splash of pity. Don’t love that, and that’s why I'm leaving. Right there. That splash of pity.

“If it helps…I’ve been jealous of you for years. And years. Probably from the moment I met you,” she says. That surprises me.

“Stahhhpp it.” I bump her shoulder with mine.

“No really, Jess. You have no idea.” I feel a pang of anxiety for the briefest of moments, then it subsides. “You’re fucking swimsuit-model gorgeous, you’re smart and stylish. Confident and witty. You don’t take people’s bullshit, and yet everyone still wants to be friends with you. And don’t even get me started on how good of a mom you are. Sometimes I worry you’re a better mom to my own kids than I am!” She’s not really looking at me anymore. This, right here, is why I could never be fully honest with her.

“How about this, let’s just accept that we’re both equally amazing, sometimes in different ways, okay?” I don’t want to sit here going back and forth about who’s dick is prettier.

She nods with a smile. Good.

“Now get out of here. I don’t need help packing, I’m sure your fiancé is probably wandering around like a lost puppy looking for you.” She blushes, gives me a quick hug and heads out.

I probably should have left a couple days ago, but when Liam asked for help pulling off an epic proposal that would be worthy ofBritain, there was no way I could say no. He knew he botched it the first time, so the second time had to be one for the books. (His words, not mine.) I’m positive we succeeded. They’re sickeningly happy. And I’m happyforher. Not even begrudgingly, I’m just happy for her. I can be jealous and mad and disappointed while still being happy for Brit.

Jess

Just letting you know Eden and I are flying back to DC today.

Tommy

Okay. How is she doing? Sleeping okay for you?

Aside from one measly text a couple days ago, I haven’t spoken to Tommy since I’ve been here. Which was probably for the best. I needed a cool-down period. And to start coming to terms with what will be my new normal. The second part of that, is that as much as I’m dreading going back to DC and dealing with custody and divorce attorneys, I actually have to go do it. I need to know what my life is going to look like once we separate.

I’m definitely not feeling as sad about Tommy as I was. Now it’s just like sadnesslite. Last night with Alex might have had something to do with it…

Last night was…like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It was need and desperation and it was like I’d been parched and I didn’t even know I was thirsty…until him. And I wanted more, but you know the saying, “One is too many and 1000 is never enough?” That wasthis.

So I was honest with myself and with him. I’ve done the casual sex bit before. (It’s great, no shade there.) Just, it wouldn’t have been casual for me and I’m done playing second fiddle. Done being a seat warmer. I’m no longer competing with dead wives and true loves. I probably could have been content with Alex at some point. (Yeah. Okay. Happy.) I could have been happy with him, but it would have been a lie just like it is with Tommy.

Jess

Yeah, she’s been good. Sleeping okay most nights. Had to bring her in the bed a few times.

Tommy

And how are you?

Fine.

How’s Brit?

Happy.

And Damian?

I don’t know. I assume also fine?

You do know that Summer is here. With him. Right?