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“Because I don’t care.”
“How can you not care? What did you like to sleep on before?”
I shrugged. “Whatever was given to me. I’ve never—” I stopped myself before saying too much. It was strange to talk about these things with anyone but my therapist. With her, I didn’t get the judgmental looks, but would anyone else understand?
“You’ve never what?” Eva asked, glancing over at me.
“Nothing.”
The tires squealed as she hit the brakes and jerked the wheel, taking us to the side of the road as the car behind us laid on the horn. “What are you doing?” I screeched.
“Listen here,” Eva said, yanking her glasses off. “I have no clue what you went through on that island, and I will never know if you don’t tell me. I’m not going to pressure you or force you to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to me, but I am your family, and you can talk to me without judgment. So…yeah.”
“Yeah?” I asked, my lips twitching slightly. The less-than-confident ending actually made this a little easier on me. I was near tears when she practically started yelling at me. But I understood where she was coming from.
“Well, I couldn’t think of a really good ending to that awesome speech. If Cash were here, he’d know exactly what to say.”
“I’m sorry he’s not,” I said sincerely.
“Nope,” she shook her head. “We’re not talking about my pathetic marriage right now. Today is about you and what you need. So, if you need to tell us something, get it off your chest.”
My gaze shifted to Vira in the backseat. “Are you going to yell at me, too?”
“Nope. I think that pretty much covered it.”
It seemed like I didn’t really have a choice.
No. I did have a choice, and I was choosing to let them in. This was important. If I was going to move forward with my life, I couldn’t keep everything bottled up inside.
“Fine, but you have to drive. I don’t need you staring at me the whole time.”
“Fair enough.”
She slid her sunglasses back on and shifted into drive. Once we were back on the road, I finally let go.
“I’ve never had the option of picking anything out for myself.”
“Anything?” Vira asked, her brows furrowed.
I shook my head slowly. “Clothes, bedding, shoes…”
“What about a razor?”
Again, I shook my head. “Everything was chosen by—” Suddenly, it felt like saying his name would make him appear. Before, I stopped saying it as a way to gain control, but now, it was like saying his name would call him back.
“He dictated every single piece of my life. Every second was devoted to him. Even when I had free time, I was only allowed to do things that were approved by him. What I ate, where I went, when I slept…it was all planned by him…” I drifted off, thinking about all those years that I had to be perfect for him.
And the consequences when I wasn’t.
“So, the last time you really made choices for yourself—” Eva started, her eyes growing wide.
“I had just graduated college.” That seemed like a lifetime ago.
“That’s why it was so hard for you to leave the house,” Vira surmised.
I nodded. “Surprisingly, today didn’t feel as hard,” I chuckled. “But I think that was because I’d already been at the nut house.”
When they didn’t laugh, I sighed heavily. “Don’t go stiff on me now.”