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“It’s not bad, but I saw the look on your face. You’re upset I didn’t ask you to stay with Carli.”
“It’s okay.” She shot me a forced smile. “You don’t trust me yet.”
“It’s not that.”
“Right.”
The devastation in her eyes told me all I needed to know, but that wouldn’t change my mind. “Izzy, you’ve come a long way and I’m so proud of you, but it would be asking too much.”
She shoved to her feet, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “Isn’t that for me to decide?”
“No. Because I’m Carli’s father and it’s my job to look out for her best interests. And before you get all pissed off, I know how that sounds, but the reality is, it hasn’t been that long since you ended up in the hospital.”
“It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?” she sighed. “I’ll have that hanging over my head for the rest of my life.”
“You won’t. And this isn’t about whether or not I trust you. This is about the fact that you went through a lot of shit, and you need time to be yourself without me thrusting the responsibility of my daughter on you.”
“It’s fine, Jason. You don’t have to explain it to me?—”
I stood, grabbing her by the arm before she could walk away. “Clearly, I do because you’re already making up stories in your head. Izzy, that bastard tormented you for thirteen fucking years. You only realized how strong his hold was on you a little while ago. It’s okay to take a fucking break and put yourself first. It’s okay to tell me or anyone else who asks that you’re still adjusting and that you need time. Hell, I’m not fucking okay!”
She flinched at my words, taking a step away from me. “Because of what I did.”
“No, not because of that. Because…” My eyes flicked to the stairs to make sure Carli wasn’t listening. “Because I have my own fucking issues. I saw Carli’s mom after she’d been tortured and brutally killed. I was going to see her, to ask her to give me another chance, and when I walked through the door…” I closed my eyes, still fucking remembering the metallic scent of blood. “I was too late, and Carli paid the price for that. I have to find a way to get past all the shit in my head, and the only things keeping me together are Carli and you. So, no. I’m not fucking okay. I’m terrified that I failed one woman, and I’ll do it again. I’m scared that as much as you’re healing, I’ll ask too much of you before you’re ready, and it’ll send you back to what I walked in on?—”
I cut myself off and turned away. Fuck, I didn’t want either of us going back in time to that day.
Her hand curled around my arm and she tugged me back into her embrace. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“I didn’t want you to,” I admitted. “I want to take care of you. I want to make you feel safe. And telling you that I’m fucked up…how does that help?”
“Well…it makes me feel like I’m not alone in the fucked up department,” she teased.
I turned around and pulled her into my arms. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that.”
“It’s okay. I get it. I don’t exactly like admitting that I’m screwed up either.”
“So, you’re okay with Carli staying with Tahlia?”
A soft smile graced her lips, and it wasn’t one of those fake ones I’d seen her plaster on her face too many times before. “Yeah, I’m good with it.”
I brushed my thumb over her cheek, kissing her hard. “Then I’ll be back soon, and when I do, I want you in my bed again.”
“What about Carli?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
34
CASH
So much time had passed, but I had yet to make any progress with the assholes behind the attacks. Michael was holding out on me, refusing to get me what I needed. It was time for me to take things into my own hands. There was only one way to end this shit, and that was by getting on the inside.
I stared down at the photos on my phone and swallowed hard. My kids…Eva…every fucking piece of their lives was on display for these fuckers. They hacked OPS’s system and followed my wife. How much longer until they took it a step further and did real damage? It could have been her in that chair in Wisconsin, bleeding all over the floor as they gutted her like a fish.
Leah had not been lucky.
I glanced discreetly at Knight, remembering the story he told me the other night about Kate—about how he’d watched her take a bullet to the head on video. She wasn’t dead, but he didn’t know that. It all looked so fucking realistic. He’d gone on a fucking killing spree, taking out anyone involved in her “death”. And when he found out she wasn’t dead, it nearly destroyed him for a second time.