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Again, my gaze flicked to Carli. Now was not the time to hash out our issues.
“We could go to the playground,” he suggested.
The guys had all gotten together recently and installed a playground for the kids so they wouldn’t have to go into town to swing and climb on the monkey bars. I didn’t think that was the best place either for this conversation, but he had his daughter to think about.
“Sure.”
The silence was awkward as we walked across the property. Not even Carli spoke. It was like she knew this was some pivotal moment in our relationship and she didn’t want to spoil it. But as soon as the playground came into view, she took off, forgetting the fact that her dad was sad.
“How have you been?” he asked as we stopped by a picnic bench.
“Good. No slicing and dicing if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He ignored the biting tone of my voice and slid his fingers through mine. “I wasn’t,” he said softly. His eyes remained focused on our joined hands. “I wasn’t really worried about you. I know you don’t believe me, but…you asked if I was worried about whether or not you would relapse.” His eyes rose to meet mine. “I worry about it all the time, but not because I think you’re incapable of moving past what happened to you.”
“That’s not the way you made it seem.”
“Because I couldn’t find the words.”
“And you can now?”
I didn’t want to be a bitch to him, but he hurt me. His lack of faith killed something inside me that was starting to grow back.
Sighing, he turned and watched his daughter playing on the swings. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened. Not just with you, but with Leah. I’m not scared you’re going to hurt yourself, but I’m terrified of something happening to you.”
“That’s not what you said,” I snapped.
He huffed out a laugh. “I didn’t say a lot of things. Yeah, it does scare me that you might relapse. That asshole had a strong hold over you, and I witnessed that first hand. I worry that he’ll find a way to worm inside your head again when I least expect it and that I won’t be able to help you. But I also know you worked hard to break free from his hold.” He turned to face me again. “I saw the difference when you came back, and I knew it would be a long road for you. But I saw how you changed, how you started to become your own person again. Watching you taste ice cream for the first time in years, getting to see you choose furniture, the sheer fucking joy on your face when you came home with your car…those are things I got to witness, and he can’t take any of that joy from you. And after seeing you change so much, I don’t think he’ll ever be able to take control of you again.”
I softened at his words, but I still had so many questions. “Then what are you afraid of?”
“That I won’t be there for you.”
“Jason, you didn’t do anything to Leah.”
He shook his head. “It’s not just Leah. I have a tough job. Things happen. Look at Knight. But it’s not just me anymore. I have Carli to think about.”
I waited for him to say that he didn’t trust me with his daughter, but the words never came.
“She’s already lost one mother. It’s not fair of me to ask you for more than you’re ready to give.”
“Again, that’s my decision,” I argued.
“It is, but it’s also my responsibility. I won’t let her get attached to you if you’re going to move on without us. But I also can’t stay away and pretend that I’m not in love with you—that my heart wasn’t breaking since you walked out the door.”
“You didn’t come after me,” I whispered.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to.” He shoved his fingers through his hair and stood, staring down at me with an intensity I knew all too well. “Izzy, I’ve never had a relationship before. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, and I don’t know what you need to move past the thirteen years you were trapped on that island. But I want to be there for anything you’ll let me be part of…even if that means I have to step aside.”
“That’s not what I want,” I said immediately. I pushed to my feet and slid my hands around his neck, tangling my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. “Jason, I hardly think my experience with men is anything to go off of. I probably know just as much as you. And I’m not a mother, but I’m falling in love with your daughter, and I hate being away from her.”
His lips twitched. “More than me?”
“I prefer not to say. I would hate for you to think you come in second.”
“Lie to me,” he whispered.
“I love you, and I don’t know how long it will take us to find out who and where we are, but I know I’m happier with you and Carli than I ever have been in my life.”