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All things I couldn’t tell her. All things that had been eating me alive inside since he took the job. I knew he had done it because he wanted to save us from what would happen. Jack had seen shit neither of us had. At least, he liked to think so. Hell, maybe he just wanted to prevent us from seeing the worst of it. I really didn’t know his reasoning. But whatever it was, he was in the worst fucking place possible, and we were out here—missing one of our own.
“A friend.”
She didn’t bring up my omission or try to drag any more facts out of me about the situation with Jack. Instead, she pushed on about the woman she so desperately wanted answers about.
“What did she do?”
My eyes slipped closed as I remembered the cutting betrayal—the look on her face when I realized it was all a setup, that she had led me into a trap. And I had fallen for it. I hadn’t even thought twice about it because I was so sure of who she was. The guys had tried to warn me, but I knew better. I swore she was just an innocent bystander.
And then she stabbed me in the back, quite literally.
“Doesn’t matter,” I said, rolling to my back and tossing my arm over my head. “It’s over.”
It was quiet for so long that I thought she drifted off to sleep, but then she spoke, breaking through the deafening silence in my head. “She made you lose faith in yourself.”
Her words cut through me like a knife—not because it hurt, but because I had been hiding from the truth for so long. I liked to think of myself as unbreakable, but her words made it clear that, yes, she had shaken something deep in my core. I might never be the same, and it was all because I refused to trust my instincts.
“You won’t ever trust another woman again, will you?”
We laid there in the dark as she slipped her hand in mine. It was the last night we were together, the last time I allowed myself to feel anything for another woman. She knew what I couldn’t tell her, that I would never give myself to her because I couldn’t trust that I could keep a clear head. Maybe that was the coward’s way out. Maybe I was being a selfish prick, but when the sun rose, Leah didn’t seem mad at me.
She looked at me with understanding, then kissed me one last time. “It’s okay, Jason.”
“What is?” I asked, my voice gruff as I watched her walk away.
“I can’t let anyone in either.”
* * *
“Daddy?”
I blinked away the memory as the summer rain dripped down my nose. It took me a minute to remember where I was, but as I felt Carli squeeze my hand again, I cast my eyes down on her in her pretty black dress.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Is momma gonna be cold?” I frowned, not understanding the question. “Should I give her my blankie?” She held up her hand, showing me her favorite blanket that she slept with every night.
My eyes drifted back to the casket—to my new family at OPS—who all stood around, waiting for me to do something. My memories of Leah had completely pulled me out of the service. I forgot where I was and what I was doing. I had zoned out from taking care of my daughter. What kind of father did that?
I shouldn’t have even let Carli come, considering what happened at the last funeral OPS attended. But everyone here was on high alert. We’d swept the surrounding area and cleared everything within sniper range before the funeral. It was the best we could do for Leah and Carli, and I had to pray it was enough. Carli deserved this closure.
I bent down on my haunches and smiled at her. “I think that’s really sweet, but I think your momma would want you to keep that.”
She pinched her lips together, staring down at her blanket. “Are you sure?”
“It’s your favorite blanket, right?”
She nodded slightly.
“Your momma would want you to have it.”
“But… I don’t want her to be lonely.”
Her eyes drifted up to meet mine, and the unshed tears in her eyes tore me to shreds. Christ, this girl was breaking my heart. “She won’t be lonely, baby. I told you, she’s always with you. Right in here,” I said, pressing my hand to her heart.
“Is she with you?”
I nodded. “Always.”