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She didn’t seem upset. In fact, when I looked at her, she had a grin on her face. “Um…well, because of what I’m implying.”
“You’re not wrong, and I don’t take offense that easily.” She glanced off to the right with a whimsical smile on her face. “I prefer to think of them as suitors as opposed to lovers. Lovers implies that there’s some form of connection between us.”
“And there’s not?”
The smile on her face dimmed slightly. “There was once.”
“What happened?”
“Well, in order to be happy, you have to actually take a chance on someone. I’ve never been very good at that.”
I didn’t want to pry, but…”What was his name?”
Her eyes flicked to mine and her smile returned. “Sean. He’s a cop.”
That really surprised me, and it showed on my face.
“Wow, don’t look so shocked,” she laughed.
“I’m sorry. It’s just…you’re so…”
“Loose? Morally reprehensible? I think that’s what he liked about me. He just didn’t realize it wasn’t a phase and I wouldn’t change.”
That confused the heck out of me. “He liked you loose?”
“He liked that I was fun and always looking for a good time.”
She trailed her finger along the rim of her mug in thought. She looked like something was on her mind, so I stayed quiet as she worked it out.
“You know, it’s funny how little we know people. We all wear masks to protect us.”
When her eyes slowly rose to meet mine, I had a feeling she was talking about me. Nerves shot through me, making me want to flee the room, but I forced myself to sit with her as I did whenever Ebarardo got this way.
“What mask do you wear?” I hedged, hoping that would get me off the hook.
“One of indifference. I pretend that I don’t care that my life has been flipped upside down. I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me that my father tossed me away so easily. Most of all, I pretend I’m not a pawn in a game.”
“And where does Sean fit into all this?”
Her lips twitched as she stared at me. “I pretend that I could have ever been good enough for a man like him. I like to tell myself that it was my choice not to give him all of me because if I didn’t, I could never be used. But mostly, I tell myself that he was never good enough for me. My standards are too high, and he didn’t meet them.”
“Is any of that true?”
“Not one,” she smiled. “But like I said, it’s a mask I wear, and it makes me feel better.” After a moment, she cocked her head at me. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“What masks do you wear?”
I had the best mask of all, one that no one could ever break through because I kept my secrets hidden so deep inside. I wanted to believe that Vira would understand my secrets and keep them for me, but I didn’t know her well enough. Not even this conversation was enough to make me trust her. I’d been burned before, and I knew all too well how that turned out. I still had the scars to prove it.
“I have no mask. It was torn off me long ago.”When Ebarardo saved my life.
I didn’t tell her that part. Or that I wore one yet again after he died. Like so many others, she would never understand. I saw the flicker of disappointment when I didn’t confess to her, but she didn’t push.
“Well, I’m going to take a shower and get on with my day,” she grinned. “It’s so very busy for us, you know.”
I smiled at her teasing. Vira and I probably had the most boring lives of anyone on the compound. But while she craved excitement, I delighted in the silence that surrounded me throughout the day. It was the nights that nearly killed me.