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My chin quivered as I looked into his disappointed eyes. I hated when I let him down. “I allowed another man into my home.”
He took a step forward, placing his fingers under my chin. “Not just in your home. He came into your room. Into our room. No man should ever enter our space.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you let him in here?”
I swallowed hard with every step he took. The blade sliced into my hand, but I hardly felt a thing. I knew I had let him down. I never should have invited Carli over here.
“There’s no excuse.”
I gave a tight nod.
“And this,” he pointed to my thigh. “This is for your own pleasure. Put the blade down.”
I did as he said.
“When I said you were supposed to punish yourself, what did I mean?”
I looked past him to the room. I knew what he wanted. He had me do it before, so why did I blatantly ignore his desires?
“Pull up your pants and get it.”
Tears blurred my vision as I bent over and did as he asked. The fabric tore at the cuts on my thigh, but it was nothing compared to the pain I was about to experience. I just had to be brave. The more I cried, the longer I had to go.
“Don’t test me, Isabelle. You know what you have to do. Delaying will only make me angry,” he bit out.
Blinking back the tears, I looked into his eyes as I walked past him. I saw the regret in his eyes, the pain that he needed to do this. He loved me so much, and he hated that these lessons were necessary. But to keep me safe, he did what he had to do. It was my fault. I screwed up. I should have known better.
I walked over to the desk and grabbed the metal ruler in my right hand. I slid the rings from my fingers and placed them on the table. Nausea swirled in my stomach as I put my left hand on the desk. I could still remember the first time I had to do this.
“You never allow a guard to touch you. You should have told me immediately.”
“I’m so sorry, Ebarardo,” I pleaded. “I didn’t want to get him in trouble.”
“He needs to know his place. Do you want him to take liberties with you?”
I shook my head wildly.
“These guards are not your friends. Never mistake their smiles for anything other than a desire to get in your pants.”
I nodded quickly, hoping that was the end of it. “I’m so sorry. It will never happen again.”
“I know it won’t because you’re going to make sure of it.”
I backed up a step, terrified of what he meant. “H—how?”
His lips twisted in a smile. “Take out the ruler, Isabelle.”
“I don’t have all day.”
I sucked in a breath, jerking back to the present. If I took too long, it would only be worse. My whole body trembled as I placed the ruler over my knuckles. Closing my eyes, I lifted the ruler in the air and swung with all my might. The crack of the ruler against my skin elicited the smallest whimper from me, but somehow, I held back the scream that was lodged in my throat.
I tore my eyes open, swallowing the need to vomit as I stared at the angry red mark on my hand. The first time was always the worst.
“Keep going,” he commanded.
I lifted the ruler and zoned out. I could feel each hit of the ruler. I knew my hand was bruising. I saw the cuts and the blood leaking over my knuckles. It would be swollen for a while, but Ebarardo would be satisfied. Over and over, I struck my hand, reminding myself why this was happening.