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“I want momma.”
“I know, baby.” I slid my hands under her arms and tugged her out from under the covers. Once she was tucked into my side, I held her close, rubbing my hand up and down her back. Her sobs broke my fucking heart, and it hit like this out of nowhere. We’d be fine, and then she’d just break down in tears. I didn’t know how to help her or make it better. I wasn’t cut out for mending broken hearts.
I rocked with her for a good forty-five minutes before she finally fell asleep. Slowly, I laid her down, careful not to wake her. The nightlight was on, casting a Disney image on the ceiling that would hopefully make her happy if she woke up in the middle of the night.
By the time I cleaned up the bathroom and headed downstairs, it was after nine o’clock and I was exhausted. I had no fucking clue that having a kid was so tiring.
“Going to bed already?” Johnny asked, scaring the shit out of me.
“Jesus,” I snapped, holding my hand over my chest. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I walked over to the fridge and yanked it open, grabbing a beer.
He caught the one I tossed him and popped the lid. “Just thought I’d check on you. Make sure you weren’t ready to kill yourself.”
“And why would I do that?” I slid onto a stool across from him, taking a drink of my beer.
“I still can’t believe you have a fucking kid.” His eyes widened as he shook his head. “I can’t believe Tahlia knew about it and didn’t say a goddamn thing. She knows that kid. She has a relationship with her.”
“I’m aware,” I bit out.
“I should turn her ass black and blue for that.”
That just made me laugh. “What would be the point? She’d enjoy it too much.”
“Probably,” he muttered. “I contacted Cash. Jack and I are going to retrieve Leah’s body tomorrow.”
And just like that, the whole world came crashing down. I was doing everything possible to keep her at the back of my mind where her death couldn’t hurt me. It was hard enough with Carli as a constant reminder of my utter failure. But now she was coming home. Her body would be here. I would have to bury her— to see the evidence of her damaged body.
I squeezed the neck of the bottle, forcing the rage and anguish down to the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t afford to lose my shit right now. Carli was upstairs and she needed me to hold it together.
“Did he say who killed her?”
He shook his head. “It’s like he’s Rafe. No answers, no talking. He’s just…dead inside.”
“He told me to forget it, to walk away. How the hell am I supposed to do that?” I looked up at him as I fisted my hands.Carli’s upstairs. Keep it together.“How the hell am I supposed to walk away when my child is crying herself to sleep every night?”
“You have to. For her sake.”
“You didn’t see her,” I said, shaking my head. “You didn’t see her in that chair. Her head tipped back and her hair…” I choked back the anguish, swallowing hard. “There was so much fucking blood. I can’t walk away from that.”
“So, you’re gonna go on a killing spree with Cash, is that it?”
I glowered at him for how he spoke to me.
“You’re going to decide that taking your revenge is more important than that little girl upstairs.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It really fucking is,” he snapped. “She’s already lost one parent. What the fuck is it gonna take for you to realize she can’t lose another one? You think crying herself to sleep now is bad? Wait to see how she reacts when you’re gone, too. Oh, but that’s alright. Tahlia will be around, right? I’m sure she’ll be a good substitute for a parent. What was I thinking?”
“I get it,” I snapped.
“Or maybe you want to abandon your whole family like Cash did. Maybe it’ll make you feel better to be that fucking selfish. At least you won’t have to deal with the shit at home. All that crap like dealing with a crying child can be difficult. It’s better to shove it off on someone else. Just like Cash is shoving his wife and kids off on all of us—along with his company.”
“I said I fucking got it!” I shouted, immediately cringing, hoping I didn’t wake Carli.
When we didn’t hear any movement upstairs after a minute, Johnny continued in a quiet voice. “I know it’s hard, and I know you want to do something, but this is one of those times when you need to set all that shit aside and take care of your family. You’re all that little girl has, and she’s counting on you to be there for her.”
I ducked my head, knowing he was right. “Yeah.”