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“ I know this can be hard but adoption is the best option for the baby. There are plenty of families out there that want children but can't have them. In the back of your mind you’re thinking about all the bad things but for just a second think about the positive. Your child will end up going into a loving home. There is no need to feel bad about your decision.”

I took my sister's advice after crying for a week straight and got a therapist. It was the hardest shit I ever did. Sitting here being vulnerable to a stranger wasn’t something I was used to doing. If I couldn’t talk to my sister about anything, then I would just keep it in.

“It’s just that I don’t want this to come back and bite me in the ass.

What if one day the child wants to know who their real mother and father is.

How am I supposed to explain to that child if they find me that they are a product of rape and I couldn’t stand to look at them, so I gave them away? That’s a low blow even for me.”

“Again, you’re looking at the negative. What if the child never finds out? Most people that adopt don’t even mention the biological parent. I think you’re giving yourself some anxiety here thinking about that. Are you doing your exercises I told you about?”

“I know you into the whole holistic thing but it doesn’t work for me.”

“Have you really tried, or you just don’t care?”

“What makes you think I don’t care?”

“Merci, this is our fifth session, and you still haven’t given me anything but this adoption talk. I want to talk about you and see where your mind is.”

“I don’t think you’re ready to talk about me. I’m a complex muthafucka and I don’t like too vulnerable.”

“Why are you afraid?”

“’ Cause every time I’m vulnerable, I get hurt.”

“Exactly. You’re already vulnerable so let’s talk about it.”

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

I was falling apart sitting in this damn chair.

Piece by piece this woman was breaking down the wall.

Deep down I wanted to scream and let it all out, but no one would understand.

I hid a lot behind my party girl's demeanor.

All my hurt and shit went into making money and making niggas pay for playing with girls' emotions and shit. Perc was the only guy that was able to make me have feelings for him. He treated me better than any other man could, yet I still couldn’t settle down with him until now.

After a near death experience. He was still right by my side.

The therapist handed me a tissue, “Next session. I understand when it’s too much too soon. Can I see you back next week?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Stop by and get an appointment. Take care of yourself.”

My day was busy. After therapy, I had enough time to grab something to eat before I went to my next appointment with the adoption agency.

Perc wanted to accompany me, but I felt like I needed to do this alone.

Him being with me was only going to make me feel worse.

He never brought up the fact of me being pregnant from another nigga.

This was the most attentive he had been since we started fucking with each other.

We hadn’t argued or anything since I had been back home.

I had changed for the better too and I think that helped.

I no longer had a social media page and when I did decide to come back, it wasn’t going to be on no IG model shit.

I sat in my car for a minute before getting out of the car wiping my eyes.

Pulling the glass door open, I made my way to the desk to let them know I was here for my appointment.

I was now a little over five months. Perc knew what I was having but I didn’t want to know.

I never paid attention at the doctor’s office.

Perc hated it but I didn’t give a fuck. I took a seat and waited for them to call my name.

This was my second meeting, and they were about to talk to me about the expectation of me after the birth of the baby.

“You been there for me, so I decided to bring my ass out of the house to support you.”

I looked up to see Blessyn standing over me. My face turned red because I hadn’t talked to her about adoption. I was still hiding it from her, so she had to get this information from Perc. Since she miscarried two weeks ago, I made sure I was there to support her.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Perc was at the house, and I overheard him telling Lucky, so I imposed and he told me you were here. Why do you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about this?”

“Because you are judgmental as fuck. You may don’t think you are, but you are. I didn’t need you telling me that it wasn’t a good idea. You don’t know how I feel about it.”

Blessyn reached out for my hand and squeezed it. We didn’t say anything else to one another. They called my name ten minutes later and Blessyn walked with me to the back.

“I’m only here to support. I have nothing to say. I’m with whatever you with. You went through something traumatic, and I can’t tell you what to do with your baby. Just know as your big sister, I support your decision.”

“Thank you,” I flashed her a weak smiled.

So far, I had two families looking for a newborn baby.

All I wanted was a better opportunity for my child.

Someone to love them like I would if I didn’t make a bad decision.

Both families looked like they would be great.

I placed the pictures back down on the table and listen to what the lady was saying.

Honestly, I was sitting here but I wasn’t listening.

Blessyn was into it more than me. My palms were sweating and my chest was tight as fuck.

The meeting was over before I was able to pass out.

“Are you okay?” Blessyn wiped my forehead.

“I’m sick. I really need to rest.”

“Will you be able to drive?”

“Yeah, I should be fine. It’s only about a ten-minute drive.”

Blessyn waited until I pulled off before she went to get in her car.

I wasn’t good and I knew it. This was taking everything out of me, and I was about to break the fuck down, but I didn’t want to tell anyone.

I didn’t want to appear weak when all this shit was my fault.

The support that everyone was giving me was out of sympathy.

I knew they wanted to tell me how fucking stupid I was to take my ass to Cali with a nigga I barely knew outside of the bedroom.

I knew all this shit because I beat myself about it all the time.

I pulled up to my house and rushed into the house to throw up.

Every night that I went to sleep, I envisioned Jaydee.

His name came to me when I deleted my Instagram.

All our DMs were still in place and I knew everything that happened that night.

The party, the drugs, and me trying to run away from him to get to safety.

I was fucked up and was too afraid to say anything about it.

Perc was paying for counseling sessions that were supposed to be helping but it was only starting to pull out emotions in me that I didn’t want to deal with.